Attitude Problems and a Walk

You can only imagine how short of time it takes to ruin a day untill you've actually lived it. In about half a second, our plans to hang out today were cancelled. Today we had a half-day. It was nice, except for 12th period. I was actualy excited that McLean wasn't here assuming it would be a free period. Long behold, we have a shitload of work and homework to dooo!! Bleh I got the classwork done (surprising considering my rate of speed) but I still had to. Bring a text book home. After school, he and I left the hs headed for Wendys. It was a half day and I usually have 4th period lunch. Man, was I starving! I was so excited to finally have a day where he and I could hang out. I wouldn't be much time together because he still had to go home and care for Jona, but it was still something. Jacob. Brought his guitar today and we also had to bring instruments home. I feel bad every time he has to carry both, but if your gonna bring something I guess it"s obvious that your going to hav e extra luggage later.
So were walking down Liberty St. and we're talking about our day. Making a few jokes here and there and I've got this smile on my face. I'm excited , y'know? Then, if I'm correct, at the corner of Liberty St. And Jefferson St., I told him that I don't know if I have a ride home because my brother has school. In my mind I thought, "Yeah I guess when we walk back to your house where I drop you off, I'll probably take the bus or something. Oh well." The response I received caught me off guard and I was confused. I was walking over a pile of snow at the corner when he stopped walking behind me. "Babe, really?" He said. I turned around, us divided by the snow, and he stood there just staring at me. "Your not getting a ride so I have to walk home with these?!" Thoughts shot across my mind. I was giving you a ride? Why is he so mad? Are we still going to hang out? God, I was really looking forward to this all week! Looks like I just ruined another day. Outside of my thoughts, actions were so delayed of reason. My felt emotions at the time can only be described as let down.. Not by him, but the day itself. Hello, my name is Stefanellie and I am uninterntionally inconsiderate. Had I known he was bringing the guitar and we'd have to practice over the weekend last night when we made the plans, maybe we wouldn't have been in that situation. It takes time for me to put two and two together in my mind and everything was just a mess. So there we were, just standing there, staring. His stare was that pissed off, I don't want to talk to you because you're so inconciderate kinda of stare. Mine was that confused, hastey kind. I didn't know how to respond or explain myself so I just stepped down to hug him goodbye. He would turn around and walk home and I would do the same. In stead, I told him that I would walk him home. I wanted to make anything out of this half-day opportunity. As we walked the other way, I then tried to explain my jumbled thoughts and attempted to convey reason. Ah, turns out I had an attitude in my voice. I've been told that so often, yet I can't seem to notice it until its pointed out. Gotta fix that. My parents hate it too. He stopped walking and turned to me and said, "Your talking as if you're the one mad. If anything, I should be the one mad!" Once again, hello, my name is Stefanellie and I tend to make others think I'm mad when I'm really not. Ah, I am a master when it comes to digging hold deeper into the ground. He said he wanted to walk home alone. And I already done my damage for today.
So I walked home. I walked the entire way home whih I haven't done in a while. I guess its nice to walk off your emotions because it kept my mind off the journey and I was home in no time. Walking down Franklin St., I had to walk over an huge snow pile at the corner. A car was at the intersection and saw me slip and almost fall over. I caught myself and my hand fell into a pile of snow. The car started beeping and I guess they were laughing. I didn't bother to turn around. All I thought was "Fuck you" I got up shook the snow off my right arm and kept walking. I guess since he had a long way home, it was fair that I should do the same right? Fairness. Photo is of the finish mask!

Changing & Lost Memory

I can't help but feel that I'm changing for the better. Its as if I'm noticing myself, from an out of body state, experiencing the comfortable social progress. The usual situation is that I worry too much and try too hard. But considering how my junior year has been so far, I am talking to people in my class much more comfortably that the usual awkward stuff. I finally feel a bit like I'm part of the junior class..

This morning we had an assembly called Project PRIDE . Inmates from NJ state prisons came to talk about how certain choices made in their lives landed them in the same tan jumpsuits. The point proven is to make the right choices like have fun but be carful. I couldn't agree more with the idea and even though I'm not a party animal or a pot head, it still applied to my life as well. after school, I couldn't hang out with him once again. I walked him home and then walked back to the high school. It was pretty freakin cold! I had my laptop and a textbook in hand so it was a bit heavy to walk with. I have walked the distances so many times just to be with him for a walk home. There hasn't really been a time where I have said no to walking. Ugh, tonight I have accidentally wiped out my entire phone memory. odueshfjsnkjsn. While we were BBMing, I admit to falling asleep. Every time I burst back awake, I immediate go to my phone to reply you awaiting BBMs. My phone is password protected and my phone did not read as the usual request for password. Instead, I was asked to "Enter "Blackberry" to continue" I followed the directions. It didn't work. Maybe I typed it wrong. I triend it a few more times and still nothing. What the hell, man?! After so many failed attempts, it automatically began completely resetting my phone as part of a security feature. I am so stressed and upset about this because I have unpublished posts on there! I had the same exact situation when I lost my iPod a few weeks ago. Losing the equipment itself wasn't a big deal, but the one source of of that I needed, my blog posts, were gone! I donn't if I'll be able to sleep nicely tonight. Photo is of my phone :(

Endure the Long Hours

Wow today has been an insanely long day! We finally have a car now. Its the same brand and model as our old one, but ours is the new 2011 style.. Its pretty cool when I think about how I was there when my parents first bought the Toyota Sienna in 2004. Here we are 6 years later, purchasing the same car and I'm here to endure the long hours of a car deal all over again! At first, I was very excited to be with my parents to get the new car. But as time went on and waiting progressed, my patience decreased and I became grouchy. When we last went to the dealer, my brother pointed out that my father is always trying to get sympathy from the employees about his accident. Pa, I'm glad you're alive and everything, but you don't need to keep doing that. Maybe not including one or two people, my father told just about each person he encountered today. Also, he was getting into another man's business, asking what he bought and how much he was getting it for. I didn't confront my father; I just walked away and tried to ignore it. We were out of there by 7PM, which was when we headed over to Willowbrook for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The wait was so long that my father just wanted to leave, but we checked two places before that and I just didn't want to move again. Dinner was good. I had a Cuban Sandwich and actually finished half of it! Considering the portions they serve there and how much I usually eat, this is surprising. Photo is from the dealership.

I Didn't Want Too Look At It Too Long

OH MY GOODNESS MIDTERMS ARE FINALLY OVER. Today I took my last, and final midterm for US History 2. I don't think I did as well as I expected, but I don't care. Testing is ova! We also finally had our bake sale today. For the past day or so, I have been tempted to eat one of the cupcakes because the delicious scent always seemed to linger in the kitchen. Towards the end of the day, I was just feeling miserable. I gave up half way through AP Chem when someone else needed my book. They apologized, but I brushed it off. I told them that it was okay because I wasn't paying attention anyway. For some reason, I get this feeling towards the end of 11th period now. It's a queasy feeling for the fact that I have to walk into English soon. I effed up projects and have received bad grades there and I'm reminded of it all every day. We didn't do much aside from present our projects. Some people had some neat, artistic projects. When I looked back at mine, I didn't want to look at it too long. Egh. Paper mache and a sloppy paint job looked terrible together. My attempt to try something new failed. After school, I had to take care of the bake sale. That was probably the first time I have ever done so and I'm supposedly Capt. haha. When I got home, I found my mask from last night mostly dried. I get excited every time I look at it because I have some big hopes for this! I finally cleaned the cage today. :0 Photo is of the amazing Post-It section at Staples. @___@

Mask Begun

When you wake up in the morning there isn't much to be happy about. But when your mom wakes you to tell you that school is canceled and you have a snow day, it is like music to your ears. Without a second thought, I fell right back to sleep. Later on, I woke up and had breakfast. Then, my family, minus my father, went to the mall. Apparently the snow was extremely high and piled this morning. My brother had to shovel my dad's car out at like 4AM! By this time, though, the streets were plowed just enough for decent driving, but the piles of snow around it were huge! I have no complaints though. Even as I look into my un-shoveled backyard, I still want to just into and lay in the snow. It was nice to have a day to relax at the mall. I didn't buy much. All I got was two cardigans from Love Culture where as my brother bought a whole outfit from Zara. >_> The cupcakes are still waiting to be sold and are still just as tempting. I still haven't got any studying in! This is such a failure. OH. I also started on my first portfolio project!! My first due date for Sarah's "mask assignment" is due tomorrow, but with midterms and all it has been hard. I am very, very pleased with how the result came out so far. The nose looks amazing and accurate! :'D Photo is from the mall. Boy, do I love me some colored assortments!

Cheating the Midterms Like Death

Oh man, we just can't get enough of this snow! I absolutely love it! We got another unexpected half day, due to inclimate weather. Every time I look out the window, the view never changes. It was always snow, snow, snow. Were were only able to get one make-up exam out of the way: pre-cal for me. Even though I had to finish pre-cal after school, I am very happy with today. We didn't have our period 5/6 midterm yet, probably tomorrow, and I still have to study. When I got home, there wasn't much on the agenda besides relax, eat, and clean. I found myself cleaning the living room which is still a total mess. I have only done so much and it's still a mess. Ohh weelllll. I've also been baking tonight for tomorrow's supposed colorguard bake sale. It will suck if it snows, but it will also suck if we do have a delayed opening and we are without baked goods. It would basically be a wasted day in making money for next season and I would hate to go through that. Man, I've been baking from 7PM-11PM. I definitely had all day to study for US History tonight. I also had two other chances to study for this exam, since it was supposed to be on Friday! Geez. I'm very proud of my cupcakes :3 they all look so cute and it smells so good. I'm tempted to take one :0 Photo is of my cupcakes :D

Hi, Can I Get A Taxi to the High School?

Dealing with siblings is a workout, let me tell you! Last night, I asked my brother for a ride to school this morning. He said yes and I had it imprinted in my mind that he said yes and would be ready and on time. He called me at 7:20AM to make sure I was getting dressed. He said he would be here soon. I call him back at 7:30AM and he informed me that he was in Jersey City, stuck in traffic. At 7:40AM, he verified with me that I was better off calling a cab. So thanks, hermano. I was late to school on the first day of midterms. Besides coming to school late, the rest of the day wasn't too bad. I was stuck in Chem for a deathly 4 hours, but we made the best of it (sort of). My lab group got pretty out of hand and started burning things on the Bunsen burner. They were dipping the wood splints in whatever substances we thought would burn. Then, I got a bit nervous because they wouldn't stop! And I'm supposed to be the pyro here! Mr. Doldi got mad a couple of times, but we hid it well. He never figured out where the smoke was coming from and even blamed others. Later on, we did an experiment with a balloon and a big needle. I was picked to imitate it and successfully got the needle through the balloon without popping it! Unfortunately, I couldn't pierce through both sides of the balloon because both balloons could not fit on the needle. Plus, Mr. Doldi popped mine. >_> It was all pretty cool though. Photo is of the experiment.

Due Dates?!

I do believe the agenda for tonight was studying. Eh. That didn't really end up happening. What did get accomplished, though, was stuff for Aberrations. I was able to upload and send artwork to Brian. I haven't done much studying at all. Sarah is actually helping out with my art situation and I can't wait to get rolling on a project that she is making me do! Hopefully it will be something I can add to my portfolio! I want to take these upcoming projects seriously. Oh my, its like she is my teacher! Tonnight kind of ended in a drag and I don't look forward to tomorrow. As it turns out, I suck at cheering people up. Go figure. Photo is of a piece scanned and digitally colored. This is actually the second or third post of my first 365. :)

A Very Refreshing Way

This early afternoon was the Brunch at Minado For my parents' 25th anniversary. It was very nice to say the least. I mean, my brother was finally back home, our cousins were there, and so was our Tito Randy. It has really been a long time since I've been to Minado and prior to reaching the buffet, I was so excited to taste their delicious food again! When I first sat down with my plate and drink and dug in, I agreed in thought that their food definitely was as good as I remembered. Then, I began to eat more. I also remembered, that it is very hard for me to make a visit to the buffet worth while. I am incapable of eating a buffet's worth! Therefore, taking me to a fancy, $40 per head, Asian buffet is a waste of one's effort. Nah, but this morning was really good though. Everyone had a good time (I would like to hope). I brought my polaroid camera along too. I dropped it. -_- The batteries went flying and when I took pictures, I failed at getting a sharp image. How disappointing. Afterward, we went to the Toyota dealership. While waiting around outside, I walked around and some how spilled my coffee all over my beautiful green coat! I was distraught, but it was a bit comical. If you had been sitting inside by the window and saw the expression on my face, you would understand. Anyway, later on, I was dropped off at Dunkin' Donuts to meet up with Ana and Jaelynn. They swore they were going to smoke weed, but I had by doubt all along. They would mess with me like this and pick at my gullible traits. It was a nice way to end a Saturday night, most definitely. We watched Human Centipede *shiver* which was actually pretty funny, considering how poorly acted and well-shot it was. We had chips and pasta, and I definitely have been pigging out lately! Tonight was a lot of fun though. The three of us haven't hung out like that in a while and it's very refreshing to ..just have a good night. Photo is of my first dish from today.

BRAHDER IS HOME!

What is there to tell about my day? OH! My brother came home today from his weeks away for military events. It was a very exciting thought for every time it came to mind. ANDDD.. what better way to start the day that a delayed opening! I didn't believe it was going to snow a much of the few inches that it actually did. The proposed plan for school was that we would skip our period 3 midterm, but when I got to school, I later found out that all midterm exams were cancelled! WOOT! That definitely pulled back a lot of stress hat may have been exerted this morning. We have really been pretty damn lucky to have had so many days off and second chances when it came school. I personally just would not want to be in school anyways. As a nice Friday, I didn't do much after school, but I did get to walk Jacob home. It was really, really nice. We got to talk about all sorts of things and laugh like hyenas. We are definitely a two of a kind couple. I love you so much :). Photo is of the crazy exclusive-to-newark- blizzrd!

Fluttering Eyes

Not gonna lie, I always feel like I'm the cause of your headaches. Whether it is me or not, I still feel bad. I would like to hope that its not my fault, but there's a part of me that feels obligated to keep you happy. I feel helpless if I can't cheer you up. Ugh, this entire school day was pretty terrible. I really finally understand how it feels to kill yourself, as I pulled an all-nighter last night. I could not, for the life of me, stay awake in my classes. I just wanted to shut my eyes , maybe for just one whole period, and relax. My eyes were fluttering and my vision was blurred. I was fighting my body's greatest urges to sleep. Today's rehearsal was tiring too! It just added on to my crazy day. My legs are actually still pretty sore from yesterday, and I'm sure that I'll wake up tomorrow to only have them feeling worse. Ugh, I need to sleep. I shall be doing that now :'D Photo is of the project I've been working on last night, all night. (before finished)

Free Time? No Way

Surprising enough, I finally got Deejay's pants done today. I received three pairs, back in September, to hem into skinny's. As I had previously warned him, he would not get these back for a while. I surpassed my own expectation of how long that would be, but hey I got it done! It was very nice to wake up on a Saturday morning. This week didn't seem to end until yesterday and I was finally able breathe. Bleh, I'm sure if I'm sleeping on my new contour pillow correctly, but my neck did hurt this morning. The pillow is supposed to support me and allow me to sleep better as a memory foam pillow does, but it has not been accomplishing that. I went to the mall this morning with my sister and her boyfriend. We bought a Coach purse for my parents' 25th anniversary. Of course, the gift only applies to my mother. It is technically a late Christmas present, considering how she thought we bought her one and teased us about it all Christmas morning. The rest of today had me feeling like I finally had some kind of free time. I also got to work on Ana's SUPER last birthday gift. I don't know if she will like it, but I just need to get it to her!! And her card! Photo is from the Apple store. I love colored assortments. :)

3x A Genuine Smile: Progress

I think you latest BBM brought the widest smile I've smiled in a considerably long time.

Ja©ob ®.

Received Mon @ 11:44 PM

○ I love you too sweetie and I feel like I'm slowly getting my stefanellie back :)

This message.. gives me hope that I am in the right direction right now. I should have never tried to change for you because you fell in love with the stefanellie you knew from the start. Your text gives me hope for the both of us, but I don't want to jinx it! Just talking about it now makes me nervous of what may occur tomorrow. We can only hope for the best and for this love to pull through.

On another note, today seemed to run okay up until period 12. I actually had a minor headache throughout the day as well as yesterday and the day before. Twelfth period, we got ripped apart. No one likes to try to answer questions and well, we got to her. She called us..dense? I wasn't really offended at all because her threats to not recommend anyone for English 4H go according to my plans anyway. I had actually planned on dropping honors next year. I've literally giv

en up on trying for no reason. I want to attend art school and such classes don't matter too much. After school, I had play practice. It was pretty bad, but we got through it. Then, I walked with Deejay on his way home and met up with Jacob. Jacob and I walked Deejay a little further before turning up Jerolemon St. towards Walgreens. hahahahaha What an interesting decision this turned out to be. The walk was great, we got to talk and enjoy our time. Then, as fate always love to defy the chances, we run into Bernadine. Jesus. There's no escape is there? When we were crossing the street by the Rec House, which also hap

pens to be her street, her car is also tries to make the turn onto the street. Jacob and I were already half-way across the street and her father decides to tap on the gas, trying to go by. BITCH, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. We look at him with confusion and shock at what he just did. Then, when we tried to walk again, he repeated his actions and...that bastard was trying to run us over!! As we were getting by, I still pulled whatever manners I had left in me to look back at him and give that pedestrian thank-you wave. Whuuuddaabiitch. Photo is of our sleep substitute taken my the creeper almighty, Jae. haha

Dirty Look

I'm eating cereal at 12:13AM. Boyy, I have not been following my diet! Egh, few excuses here and there have become so often, it's terrible! I can't help but use the excuse that it's the winter and I'm fattening up for warmth. smh. I've really been enjoying the weekend and to have realized that it is ending when I woke up wasn't the greatest feeling. I guess it's not fair that I don't get into depth about church, so here's a short one for you. Today was really annoying. We got to church late and had to stand in the back. We stood right behind the last pew and this kid that I know, who is mentally not there and very flamboyant, sat in front of me. We knew each other since we were younger, and it was just an awkward relation. He kept looking around and his eyes always wandered to me. It became very distracting and irritating. At one point, I was so fed up that I stared him down until he looked at me. It wasn't too long before that happened, as it wasn't too long after that he turned away. I felt so out of character, especially at church, to be giving him a dirty look. I was just so fed up, though! The rest of the day was indifferent. I'm back to my old school ways of slacking on homework. Here we go again. Photo is of my item for my infomercial project item! :D

And Here i Am Again Feeling Like I Messed Up

Now that I think of it, I have not gone out in a while! My papa dropped me off this afternoon to go over Deejay's for a movie day. Jaelynn, Ana, Jacob, and I went over to watch Black Swan and Catfish. I was so excited to see Jacob and cuddle next to him for a few hours. We did just that through the duration of Black Swan [which was mindfuckingly good] and Catfish. Being the fearful, paranoid fiend that I am, I screamed at such minuscule parts. Mind you, neither Catfish nor Black Swan are supposed to be scary. For example, in Black Swan there is a scene where Natalie Portman is walking to the bathroom and the eyes of one of many paintings on the wall move. It wasn't even a motion that was easily spotted by the watcher, but it was more like that you had to catch. Boy, did I catch that. I bugged out so badly that I sort of hit Jacob in the eye. D: Anyway, the hang out overall was just so very successful that it definitely put me in a better mood. Unfortunately Jaelynn left after a while and Jacob had to go right after we finished the movies. We had later post plans to get some food at Applebee's after the movies, so Jacob couldn't come. :( I feel horrible for no being able to give him a proper good night or even a kiss! Oh, how I wanted to kiss him so badly tonight. It is very hard to sit next to your significant other and not share one simple kiss throughout the whole night. Sometimes I get really conscious about everyone around us, so I don't always like kissing in public. I finally had a chance after the movie and I regret waiting. I didn't hear him tell me to hurry, so I was still upstairs. I was going to say goodbye as I wanted to when I gathered all my stuff and went down. [I though we were all walking out together] By the time I got down, he already left. I felt very guilty and I am at fault for that one. Ana, Deejay and I then made our way to the crowded Applebee's where we actually got seated in a matter of seconds! To kill that joy, actually got up again and left because we decided to wait until 10PM for 1/2 off appetizers. The night was pretty laid back though. By a little after 10PM, we got seated and long behold we were chatting away about some interesting topics. It was nice to get out again today because I haven't hung out with friends outside of school in a while. Photo is of our gangster wheels via rental. :D

I Have Changed

Oh sweet Jesus, we had a half day today due to snowwww!! :D It was actually a pretty decent half-day. First period, we didn't have to play unless we were being tested on music - and I already got tested! :D With Jacob, Ana, and Aud, we all relaxed. Second period nothing. Third period, I managed to get out of class with Armando, Gaby, and Taylor to visit Mrs. Hurta's class. Luckily, Jacob has her this period and I couldn't be more excited. In Twelfth period, we watched the Breakfast Club!!!! I was so happy because I never had the opportunity to watch the entire movie from the beginning. I have definitely seen it from the middle to the end, but I never was able to understand every detail. Even though we only got half way through it, I absolutely love that movie! After school, I walked in the snow with Jacob to Ana's house. There was a slightly awkward quietness to the atmosphere when it was just us around. Sure, we watched TV and laughed a few times, but I could differentiate it from when others are over. When DJ finally came over, Ana actually talked more; we all did. The friend who talks more and who is a great conversation starter was finally here. But then, he left with Jacob. And with Ana and I left. it was awkward once again. It made me think how bland of a friendship I allowed this to come down to. After Ana's I came home. Tonight I played Xbox from hours on end, until I started falling asleep, like now. Photos are of Emily and Aud..poor things.

Cry Baby

Upon late notice, we had Jazz Band today. I was brought back with bad memories of a time of great jealously and humongous dislike. Bad memories we fused with present day insecurities. I tried to talk to the trombones who sit next to me, but at times, I didn't like receive any responses. I have problems with socializing, its obvious. When I left with Jacob to Dunking Donuts, I told him about it and he threatened that he would not ruin his sophomore year. I cry too much. Photo is of my planner, drawn while sitting in Jazz Band. Y'know, becaus eI don't have much music.

Good Morning, Headache

There is definitely no pleasure whatsoever in waking up with a headache. My god, after last night, it is the worst combination of a bad morning. My neck hurt, my throat was dry, my throat hurt, I have a headache,.. I felt weak. Considering that I believed that I have 2 tests today along with play rehearsal, I felt obligated to go. If I missed out on a big day like this, then that would just bite me in the butt later on. I found some might to change into my school uniform. I took my sweet time getting to and into the car. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. First period was a literally my living hell. As soon as I got there, I had to sit down and collect myself. How was I going to make it. I felt like I was on the verge of death. Finally, we he came into the room, and I simply rested my head on his stomach [he was standing], I felt the least bit better. for most of the period, I was in his arms, trying to recuperate and find stability with my body. I can definitely say that space within his arms is the safest place I could ever be in bad and the worst times. I was still a little shaky second period, but throughout the day I got better and was finally able to hold my own. A headache came over me again, so when I got home I laid down to relax, ease the pressure, and let alone breathe. Photo is of the project I helped Jacob with.

Like Jello

Ugh, why me?! Why is it that when I get sick, I remain sick for the entire season? about 3 weeks ago, I caught what ever sickness Jacob had, but it got a lot worse that his. Long behold, I am still sick to this day and it got worse tonight. All of a sudden it felt like a fever came over me and and I was having hot/cold flashes. I couldn't walk well because my legs felt weak and cold. I walked around the apartment with a fuzzy blanket draped around me and over my head. If anyone else saw me, I probably looked like the biggest bum ever. I did my best to sleep as early as possible, though I moved so slowly. when I finally got to lay down, I felt like I was laying on my deathbed! Maybe if I just closed my eyes, I may never wake up again. I fell asleep with my limbs each laid out , feeling like jello. Oh, what a day it is to be sick. Photo is of my sadfaceokeasetakecareofthepalesickasian look.

Haunting Guilt

Today was just an annoying Monday back from vacation, overall. I can't help but admit that PMSing about every little thing only makes matters worse. The school day didn't start off too bad, as I finally was able to see Jacob after a difficult, long vacation. Between the two polaroids I took this morning, the one with him came out the best :). First period, I didn't have to worry too much about being tested on music because we all reviewed the music together. The day, after that, dragged. Twelfth period sucks the most. Even though I am the type of person to make the stupidest comments in the world, I hate that awkward look a group gives you because of it. I know it's stupid to wish, but I wish that people would just laugh along with whatever I say, but not necessarily in a passive way. It bothered me that I found myself sitting by myself because none of my friends bother well enough to approach me. Maybe there is something about me which is unapproachable, who knows. It bothered me that I couldn't even create conversation with Ana and that she doesn't do the same. It still haunts me, the mistakes that I have made last year that destroyed such a solid friendship. Every little irrelevant moment feeds that guilt everyday and I can't seem to find peace. Jacob opened my eyes today, though. It is if I torture myself; I expect and wish too much; my emotions are very unstable now. I need to continue to grow independently. After school, I just wanted to get away from it all. I wanted to vent to my best friend at the side of 7-11, about the day. A time where I was finally opening up to him, considering it had been a problem for a few months, was denied as he pushed me to go to the play rehearsal. It really hurt because I wanted his comfort more than anything. this crybaby was so upset at the hour of 2:45PM. Practice turned out for the better though. I had DJ and Vicky to share my pains with. I never told DJ why I was upset, but it was very comforting to know someone else who was having a terrible day. Vicky was on her period and our pains were shared. haha. Dare I say, I actually had fun at rehearsal. Photo is of the polaroid I took today!

Like It's The Progressive Era

Oh, Happy New Years Day. Now, I gotta admit, that I kind of dislike going to church two days in a row. I sometimes wish I enjoyed my religious customs more than I do now, if at all. I think about Jacob and how he spends his Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays faithfully "active". He really seems to enjoy it and I always wonder if I will ever be able to feel the same. Anyways, not much occured as far as this day is, aside from sitting on my ass for 3 hours playing FFXIII and then superPMSing as soon as I get off the couch and then cramping up in pain and falling asleep with hot compresses on my ohvahrees. Hahah, well yeah, I feel that there is more of a story to tell from last night, earlier this morning. My New Years Eve was, to say the least, horrible. I drank alone like a 35-year-old-man experiencing his mid-life crisis and almost cried myself to sleep. If it wasn't for the boy of my dreams saving me and cheering me up with a well-worth it phone call, I would still be in bed right now. Hrmm, well I think I summed up the whole PMSing scenario a little too quick for you. My apologies. I can't tell you how quick I went from calm and idgaf to HOLY FUCK I WANT TO SHOOT SOMEONE'S BRAINS OUT. Yea, I went to the bathroom and I sat there like a fool, clenching at my stomach. Ovaries are the worst part of the female anatomy, let me tell you. then, my mom came in, with both TV remotes in hand, begging for help because she has no idea how to flip between VIDEO and TV. Jesus. As it turns out, she figures turning off the Xbox on my unsaved game would bring her heavenly TFC back. DA FUQ. About an hour before that when my brother came home, he also turned it off by accident! Hormones made all of these little things worse than they probably were. Ugh. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, my family share the tiniest bathroom imaginable like it's the Progressive Era. Our bathroom measures at a whopping 5x16 ft. Some of you may think, "Oh, well you could fit in that snuggly, right?" yeah, well... a bathroom consists of a toilet, a sink, a shower tub, and a huge wall installation for cabinets and a small vanity. When there's more than one person there, you have to "crab-walk" your way either behind or in front of the person and possibly over the toilet. Whoop. Well anyways, she came in a few other times, bugging me with every possible and impossible reason. UGH. I told Jacob of my trials and tribulations, and laughed, saying what a girl I am! He was right in a way, and I tried to cool off. The rest of the night, I laid in bed trying to text, but completely half asleep. I'm very grateful to have had him for as long as I did last night. :) Photo is of my radical, algebraic toes! :D I did 'em yesterday. :)