Down The Rabbit Hole

This day didn't go right at all. Well, there may have been a slightly good outcome, but just barely. Today was supposed to be our day. The day you and I finally get to chill at the mall, specifically GSP, together. We had a ride and everything. There were no words that could express how excited I was last night. Going to the mall with you is a major thing I want to do one day. It is a day where I get to spend with two things I love: you and the mall. I woke up early this morning to take a shower and was dressed by 10:30AM, ready to go. We were in such good moods, especially after a well-spent 11 months, yesterday. Plans first backfired because my sister wasn't going to leave until she finished cleaning. Leaving at 11AM was now out of the question. Then, the day practically fell apart from there. He gets a phone call from mama forcing him to stay home. The refrigerator broke down and a repair man was coming by later. God really does hate us. Today was our clearest chance and there it went, straight down the drain. I tried to stay hopeful, I really did. I pushed time back so that we wouldn't have to leave for the mall until 2PM. I put my best bet out there that maybe the repair man will come by 2PM , we can get this over this, and still have our day. Time ran out and I had to leave. I was still going to drop off the shirt I made, very grateful that I was going to see him. Then, it's as if a rubber band had snapped. Remarks were made and behaviors were not tolerated; here we were falling down the rabbit hole again. I was caught so off guard with this that I defended myself. When I dropped off his shirt, I didn't want to look him in the eye for more than a few seconds. Hell, it was a damned waste of a short visit. I got out of the car, gave him the shirt, hugged, and turned right around, never looking back. I just wanted to go to the mall already.

The entire plan of feeling better at the mall backfired. The day only dot worse and worse. As I tried to look through stores, nothing caught my eye and I was in some sort of trance. I refused to let him leave the conversation because I strive to get past this. We need to learn how to let go of arguments and move on with life. My parents do it all the time and it seems like a god-given miracle every time. I would have to say it did get better, considering where we are right now, happily talking about the future. Anyways, today consisted of spending dead hours at the mall, going to Bed Bath & Beyond, and back to the mall again with my mother. We tried to go to GSP, but we got lost with strange directions. I ended up getting a new pair of converses, so I'm a bit happier with that. Photo is of mi madre et moi and DJ's bag so far. With my hair down and headband on, we kind of look alike. Repair man didn't come til 5PM, btw.

This Is Why

It was finally such a relief to see your face again today. I feel like its been a month since I've seen your face when in fact, it has only been about a week. With the business of life getting in the way, I haven't been able to see or talk to you as much as I want to. Earlier last week up until now, I would constantly remember today was coming up. Yet, in the midst of responsibilities piling up, it would slip my mind. This morning I didn't forget. I made sure to greet you on our 11th monthary :) I will admit, though; when I saw you this morning it was like greeting a stranger because it had been so long. But overpowering that feeling was a sense of relief and happiness. I thought, I finally pulled through two hard weeks to receive the prize I yearned for the most. Maybe a hug would strike me into reality. No? Maybe a kiss? Eh, just a little. It took a period in the day to have it click in my mind that we were finally together. It would probably have to be the moment where we just sat in front of 7-11, with our separate, large Slurpees of every flavor offered and our Italian foot-long almost finished, that I realized it. We sat there, talking about our lives, laughing at stories, telling corny jokes, plotting our evil plans, and high-fiving them. It was refreshed in my mind why I love you so much - why we click so well. We can comfortably talk to each other about anything and it would warm our hearts the same way a simple kiss can. This is why I'm with you, this is why you're with me. This is why we've hit 11 months, this is why were destined for many, many more. I Love you. :) Later tonight, I finally got your Valdimir Todd shirt done and I can't wait to give it to you! :) Photo is of just that.

There's One In All Of Us

Nothing exciting ever really happens on a Sunday. The most I get out of these days are dressing up really nice for church. Right before I leave, I glance in the mirror and feel proud for picking out a good outfit. I always tell myself that hey, if I can dress really nice on Sunday mornings, I'm definitely going to show off my skill at the next party or event. Yet, when the time comes, I end up rushing or my pick just isn't as good! Anyways, I haven't done much today other than start on Deejay's book bag. I think it could really turn out cool, but I need to get legit silver fabric markers for this! My sharpies are failing me! XD Photo is of his bag so far.

How Nice It Felt

Oh, how nice it felt to finally sleep in! Last night, I knocked out as soon as my body hit the bed, and I didn't wake up until 11AM. There was a car wash today, and I didn't bother to go because I needed to catch up on sleep, after two all-nighters. Sleep was everything I could ask for. When I woke up, I took a well-needed shower. Finally clean, and sporting my Cadets shirt, I went with the sister to Target to pick up a few things before she went to work. Later, I left the house again with the parents to go to Walmart to get lola a few things for her flight on Monday for Germany. Right when we get there, I started to get an allergic reaction in my left eye. It didn't hit me at first, but I realized that it was because I was handling Twix before we left. Ugh, I definitely do it too many times to count and its so irritating. A majority of the time that we were there, I was insecurely covering my face and stopping at every mirror to check it. Before leaving I stopped by the restroom to wash it. It got better after that, as we headed to Kohl's. Apparently it was harder than we thought to find white camisoles. On the way back home, I asked my father if he could drive me to my friends house to chill a little bit. Right off the bat, he gave me this stupid life lesson about how I always go out and that sometimes I just need to "restrain myself".
Yeah. I'm not sure why I need to do so if I want to go out. The way he says it makes it seem as if I force myself to go out all the time. Hey, if I don't want to go out of if I'm too tired to, then I won't go. It's simple as that. I know my limits and I'm nowhere near them. It doesn't make sense to me how he thinks I need someone else to tell me where my limits are. He said I've been out for two weeks, but he can't comprehend the fact that it was ALL work. Going out today would have been my chance to finally relax, but he took that opportunity away from me. I've learned to not insist on things with him because he gets mad easily. Yet, I asked again anyways. He voice shot up, and I just stopped trying. Whatever. Photo is of a funny shirt I saw at Kohl's. :D When I first read it, I kind of perceived it to be dirty, but only I would think that. It was also a scratch n' sniff shirt! @_@

Band Camp Picnic

Wow, I would have to say that this is the first year I truly, truly enjoyed a band camp picnic. After all of the hard work for two weeks, I was so relieved, but it ended on a positive note. I feel like today, a lot of the rookies and just everyone in general felt the same. With a good attitude in the atmosphere, I could only believe that we can have a really good season. I'm learning to voice my opinions. There was a part in the pay where I made a snappy remark back to the drum major. A lot of things have been going on for the past few days, all for band. Practice ends at 6PM, we had been working on shirts, I was taking care of superlatives, and I just was soo tired. If a remark is made that does not appeal to me, I will be saying something. As the day went on, my positive attitude remained. Unfortunately, I didn't get to go to Ana's house after rehearsal like I have for the past 3 years to chill out before the picnic. Instead, I had to stay at the high school to continue working on shirts. They were never really finished, especially because of my mishap two nights prior. In a way I didn't really care, but we'll do better next year for sure. One girl quit today, and I didn't really stop her. I have already done my part of it and laid out reasons for her staying and how much better it will be for her. She really wanted to stay, but too much drama is going on in her life at home that it's too much for her right now. Anyways, the band picnic was really good! The performance could have been a lot better, but hey, that's how the performance at the end of these two weeks always is. All of the rookies are always nervous, because I know I was my first year! A decent amount of people came. Jae even came with her dog and pretty much everyone else who "graduated". The only face that wasn't around was the one I would've loved to see the most. He couldn't attend because something came up. When I answered the phone call I got after practice, I was hoping to hear how he was on his way or getting ready. Instead, he simply couldn't go. It took me a second to respond back, as I took in the facts. There was nothing more I could do but accept it, but I had been looking forward to seeing him for a while now.

It's crazy to think that this is my 4th year in. I feel like such an oldie! The way things have gone tonight, this year will definitely be fun. I get along well with a lot of people, even rookies. The whole anti-social thing will be out of the bucket! >:D I actually stuck by Ana, DJ and a few others, instead of something reminiscent of my first year: sitting alone. Towards the end of the night, I had to go back into the hs to get my stuff. Terrified to go into the dark auditorium, I begged a few friends to come along. I clutched onto Fetus' book bag as we walked through the auditorium to get to the light switch. Ugh, I have such a faint heart, it's pathetic at times! There is the rumors of two ghosts there, and I didn't want to keep my eyes open for too long. Upon getting home, I changed out of my clothes and went to the room to lay down and text. Instead, I KOd on the bed. :'D Photo is of Ana, Rachel, and I :D lol

Lost Almost Complete Consciousness

This had been day 2 of practically pulling an all-nighter. After practice, I went AC Moore again. I needed to buy more transfer paper to cut out all 120 letters again, which also meant spending the whole night cutting letters. I was so unbelievably tired considering last nights lack of sleep and rehearsal today. I sat here at my computer desk, with a mess of papers and scrap all around me, feeling dirty. Usually I shower right when I get home, but I didn't have the time too. Hrm, maybe the all-nighter didn't have to happen if I started right away, but whatever. This night has been a very weird one. So tired, I lost almost complete consciousness of what was going on. Think around 4:30AM, I took a shower. I'm not sure how long I was in there for. I only remember flashes of hazy moments when my eyes peeked open, only to see the bottom of the tub and the water running from behind me. After finding the energy to get out of the shower, I went straight into my parent's room and threw myself on the bed. I feel asleep immediate, still in my robe and towel. I think I anxiously woke up again around 7, thinking I overslept. Aside from this hectic night, today was good, or better, to say the least. I'm working harder towards being a better captain, and I don't want to stop. Photo is of.. well, I think it's self-explanatory.

One Of The Worst Days

I hate the feeling of not doing my job right. Shit, the rank below me is doing a better job at what I'm supposed to do. She's more assertive and I'm too hesitant to tell the guard to shut up. This annoyance in myself, bothered me today after lunch. It got worse as practice progressed and I just wanted out. Sure that's not how a leader should act, but I am only human. I can do so much better than this, yet I am the only think holding me back. The thing about me is that I am a person who like to keep their public announcements nice and sweet. These lips are not used to being assertive and having that tone of voice that comes along with it. Ugh, I'm going to push myself tomorrow. After practice, I went to AC Moore with DJ, Ana, Emily, and Shianne. It took Shianne and I forever to pick out our shirts because all our needed sizes weren't in stock! We got back to Deejay's and the stress continued from there. Deejay's shirts were not coming out as he would have favored, but it was nice anyway. Ana's shirt was coming out really nice for Audrey. I only started working on cutting out my letters on the iron on sheets. 5 Hours later, at home, with all 120 letters cut out, I try it out and the letters come up transparent. My day hasn't been getting any better, so I can only imagine what God has in store for me now. Photo is of Emily and her awkward hugs.

Mr. Copy Machine

Oh thank goodness tomorrow is Hump Day! Because in the perspective of tomorrow, we only have one more day left of full practice, then Band Camp picnic!! Plus, that day of rehearsal doesn't really count because we might as well BS through it ;)

Today went very well. Emotionally, I felt giddy and happy around lunch. We got an hour and a half lunch break, Shannon wasn't here, and he came by! As Ana and I enjoyed our amazing sandwiches sitting on the stage, I turned around and he walked through the auditorium door. We were finally able to spend some time during band camp and today was well worth it. He came along as Ana, Sison, Rachel, Fabi, Rey, and I tried to get the copier to work for Superlatives! Apparently, drill was printing non-stop even after we removed the paper jam! I curiously checked the print tasks on the screen and long behold, we had 93 pages more to go, 7 more minutes to wait! I actually jammed the printer again myself, following the picture directions on how to open it, mindlessly. I sat there, mimicked the hand motions. As for rehearsal, I felt like the girls caught on much better, moving more confidently, looking so much better. Jae came by after volleyball practice and when she came in, we shared a nice hug. :D It may be a silly feeling, but I really like giving hugs to people, especially those I care about. I used to keep my distance from people, but now things are for the better, I openly express that I love them. Anyways, she came by really quick, and it was really nice seeing her. I miss standing right next to her during rehearsals and doing stupid flag tricks together. Despite her not being here anymore, I really hope we still maintain the amazing friendship we've had for the past three years. Photo is of Rey and the lovely Mr. Copy Machine!

Revived And Inspired

The taste of your lips is still on mine :) It makes me smile to think that 10 minutes ago, they were interlocked. So by some miracle, you found a way to pass by my house and see me twice today! The first was to pick up a batch of cookies I made for you yesterday. The second was just for another 5 minutes for our hearts :) I swear, when I finally get to drive, I will be sneaking out to see you every chance I get! Because those kisses, and the feelings I get from them, are things I would like to feel all the same, years from now.

Rehearsal today went beautifully. Beautifully for the fact that we didn't really start until 9:30AM. Upon arriving early and on time, we also were receiving breakfast this Monday morning. Also, we were going to stay inside all day due to rain. Practice this morning wasn't too bad, and we even got some of our show silks today during lunch break! :) Later, a guy from another guard came to write the flag feature for us. HIS WORK WAS HARDCORE. Okay, maybe not crazy "hardcore", because that may have just been because of the tempo of our third number: FAST. The way he wrote, the way he instructed, left me dumbfounded the second he started spinning. I was so amazed. This is why I want to march summer. I was revived and inspired by all of the energy and performance he spun with and I thought, I want to be that good. So as he wrote, I tried to follow. Mimicking every motion he did, I wanted to learn. I was jumping up and down like a five year old for JC's sake! I was getting it. At one point I could've sworn, when he said something to me, he also mouthed "You're good!". I was so flattered. Whether he said it or not, I feel proud of catching on quickly to what he wrote. Photo is of current tan lines. It's not THAT bad.

A Chain Of Arguments

Sensitive jealously, and territorial insecurities can go a long way, huh? The right within blogging, freedom of speech, can be for better or for worse. We all know that. As a writer, we can express ourself and write however vulgar or emotional we feel needed. That right is in our defense, if anyone has anything to say. But from the other POV, it can just plain hurt. The truth is a beautiful thing, but it's not what we always want to hear or read. I vented to another about my insecurities, about why I'm upset. Then, when he asked how she knew, I froze. This is a person I will never lie to. At the same time, I hate hurting him. I swallow my hesitations and come clean. Ah, of course this will lead into an argument. I never sugar coat the truth, because I will never hide anything from him. Our relationship has been based off of a continuous chain of arguments, and if you're reading this, I'm so sincerely sorry.

This morning I woke up to the miracle of Tag Day being cancelled. I woke up, got the mass text, smiled a little, and went back to sleep. It was nice :D When I woke up again, I got dressed for church. Honestly, Sundays are the days I feel the prettiest. They're the days I feel like my fashion sense is thee best! :)

After church, I walked over to AJ Wright to buy him something he has wanted for about a week now. It's these Marvel Comics themes Munny-like figurines. I literally spent like an hour+ walking all around the store trying to find it. I started to get a little headache, too! When that kicked in, I started looking at the shoes to relax. They weren't all that great, though. Finally, I BBM'd his brother Josh for some help, sending various photos of the walls of toys. Tonight, I was able to give it to him as I made a quick stop by his house. Even though we were arguing on AIM prior to me leaving the house, seeing him made it all the better. He also got me a little bracelet from down the shore, which is a little loose, yet I love it with all of my heart. :) No matter what he gives me, no matter the size, no matter the price, I will always love it unconditionally. Photo is of half the wall of toys I looked through so many times!

Kim Ho's Casa Is Muy CALIENTE

Words do not describe how much I love Kim Ho. We have been best friends since 5th grade, and even though she moved, we still continue to hang out. Even thought we don't hang out every day or talk 24/7, we have always remained close. This afternoon I hung out with her, enjoying my visit very, very much. Though we don't always seem to be doing something productive, there's still a chill aura. I helped her make her guard T-shirt which I messed up a lot on I made with love, talked about life stresses, and just basically had each other's backs. It's really nice to have the friend who you can confide in no matter what, so I'm very grateful for this friendship. She almost saw me tear up, but not from complete sadness. It was more from, stress, anger, annoyance, and jealousy - all mushed together. It was kind of funny. I've been contemplating whether I should act upon my spite, but I know it's out of character. But then again, it's healthy to express yourself, isn't it? Right now, I'm holding back from it and just trying to contain myself. Photo is of the Superlatives form I've been working on fixing.

FRIDAY? THANK GOD.

"Thank God it's Friday" It has definitely been a long week, being awake by 7:30AM everyday. Today I got up at 7:45AM, pushing it towards a day defined by the word "lazy". It's the last day of the week, I've worked my ass off for five days straight, and here I am. "Damn, my right butt cheek hurts," was the thought that followed. And it hurt all throughout the day, even now. Anyways, I'm just glad to think that tomorrow I won't have to wake up early. Today was stressful in a way, but of course hard work doesn't come without it. After lunch, I found myself to have bonded a little better with the rookies. Some of them had problems at home and I sat to listen, even though I didn't have any valuable advice. Then, another almost wanted to quit because she didn't think it was getting any better, when in fact she was really good. When sectionals started again, the rookies were doing much better , emotionally and physically. They were getting work a lot better, and I'm just hoping for the best of this year! Photo is of Sison's questionably gross lunch.

A Full Van For Once

It was in a first time in a very long while, tonight, that my entire family went out together. After Day 4 of Band Campo, I got picked up by my father because my parents were at Kohl's. I hated the feeling of being dirty and sticky from practice, especially my hands, but I was more than happy to go. When we got there, I found my ma and lola sitting in the shoe section, chilling out. I went to walk around and my ma mentioned that my sister was around. I found her, and long behold, my brother was here, too! It's such a shocker to me because we each live busy lives and times like this almost never happen anymore. When I was younger, that is all I remember us doing. Every Saturday night we would head over to the mall and just shop. Anyways, after Kohl's we headed to the mall for dinner. I joked with my brother a lot, getting along so well. The idea that we lead busy lives showed so well through what we wore. I was in my practice clothes for marching band, my sister was wearing a Rutgers shirt since she always stresses over school, and my brother was wearing a muscle shirt.. like always. It was nice to sit in a full car and just enjoy life with the family. On a side note, band was good. It still has it's ups and downs with me emotionally, but I'm still pulling through.Photo is of the car ride to the mall.

In A Better, More Reasonable Light

I'm starting to get through these days a little less sore than before.

..oh, wow. That was a nice, uncomfortable, moment in time. I'm shakey with bitterness and anger. Nice. I dislike shaking..

Anyways, practice today wasn't too bad. I was glad at the thought of it ending at 4:30PM. We had lunch from 1-2PM, which was very nice. I think we should get hour lunches more often, especially because we are there until 6PM - EVERY day. After lunch, we had to fix drill because as it turns out, I am no longer the main character. Anna and I have switched. Her being the main character "Alice" and me being the dream who lures her in, gets her lost and whatnot. I was upset and jealous at first. It was piling up on top of other insecurities that love to come back and haunt me. When I got home I finally cooled down and saw the changes in a better, more reasonable light. She's a much better dancer and so the soloist usually does a lot of dancing. As for me, I am a strong flag and these facts line up with our roles in the show. Tomorrow finally leads in towards the weekend. Thank Goodness. Photo is of a truck we passed by. Every time I see these, I can only think of them as big toys. The color caught my eye.. so I took a picture.

In Our Best Intentions

Holy crap, dude. It's only the second day and I can't even bare to sit here and type. My body is so tired and sore, but we did get a lot of progress today. It's a crazy thought of how we've finally put drill to music and work today, and it didn't sound too bad. The rookie girls finally got better at tossing, pulling through a decent pop toss. One girl got a bump on her forehead from trying, but I'm all the more proud of her for that. It's kind of like a battle scar - she got hurt while putting effort into it. The guard earned two laps right before lunch, for talking during sets. That is one thing I need to start controlling. I need to enforce the idea of no talking on the field, for the sake of our guard as a whole. Today we also celebrated one girl's birthday, with a signed card and a little surprise candle atop a box of Asian wafers for her to blow out. It is in our best intentions to bake everyone feel comfortable in the guard and I hope we are accomplishing just that. Photo is of 7-11, from my view in the car, on the way home.

First Day Of A Long Stretch

Oh, how sore my legs are. No matter which way I stretch them, they echo a memory of much standing from today. Today started the first day of band camp, and I could really say that we're doing well this year. During sectionals, the rookies were getting the work better and the run through didn't look too bad. Outside, in the beautiful humidity, we worked hard. Hard being defined by standing between the 35 and 40 yard lines for 6 sets. Most of the time, the rest of the band had been going over and over these sets, so we just sat on the field. When it did come to learning drill, though, the rookies didn't have too much complications. As tired as I am now, I enjoyed today very much. I'm not too excited for waking up by 7:00AM, but I am excited to see what kind of progress we can continue to make! The vibes I felt last week were something like fringe compared to today. It doesn't really matter anymore, so I'm still moving forward. I really like that band is bringing our friendship back together again. I'm really, really glad for that because you were the first friend who I could talk to comfortably and as myself. Photo is of the circle we sat in for introductions. It was more like an oval.

Growth & Confidence

The highlight of my day would have to be finally somewhat getting down the one-handed 45 toss. I actually broke a sweat after church and lunch, tossing outside. I also spent a portion of my day trying to get supplies for band camp, which starts tomorrow. The idea of band camp starting tomorrow excites me in a way where I'm also not excited. It's probably because this is going to be my fourth year in and I already know how things run. I think about how we may sit in a circle on the auditorium stage tomorrow and introduce each of ourselves. I think about how 4 years ago, I couldn't do it without being extremely shy and shelled. Tomorrow, I'm excited to be energetic, confident, and proud. I love the thought of how much I've grown as a person in the past 4 years, thanks to band as a start. Photo is of the slip ons I'm trying to sell!

6 Minute Revival

The first part of my afternoon was alright. I enjoyed going to the mall with my bro, mom and lola. I enjoyed buying a pair of vans and two shirts from UO. When I got home, I ate. The worst, or maybe the best, decision of my day was sleeping right after I ate. I woke up from my nap just feeling the worst, on top of the fact that I still had my contacts in, now dried up. From then on, I just had this uncomfortable, irritated feeling in my stomach and it showed. I was bitter to mama and papa. At times like that, I begin to feel lonely, depressed, and like plain shit. I begin to yearn for those I love more than usual, especially him. I tried to talk to friends online, but there weren't too many people on AIM. The night dragged on and I couldn't get rid of this feeling. That is until this happened. [via Tumblr]

STAPH!: ;( I wish I wud see yuh right now

YACO: I know love :l I’m sure we’ll have time together b4 I leave

STAPH!:I really really hope so >_<

YACO: Get ready STAPH!: PorQue?

YACO: Go outside

STAPH!: @_@ What?

YACO: Go Outside

STAPH!: Please don’t be pulling my leg >_<

YACO: Go outside


I looked out the window and there he was. He stepped back, looked up and waved. My heart started beating faster and faster, almost as if I had been shocked back to life with a defibrillator.

I ran downstairs, unsure if this was reality or not. I stood behind the closed door and took a breath. I began to unlock and open the door, hoping that he would still be there, proving to not be a figment of my imagination. I opened the door and that was the most I could do. I peeked my head through, and he was still there. “Are you real?” is all that could slip past my lips. He laughed with a yes, opened the screen door, and kissed me. Still in awe, I stood there and he stepped in. I threw my arms around him like my life depended on it and hugged him with every bit of energy I had in me. I pushed us out the door, where we could really hug outside. I squeezed tighter and tighter, him doing the same, cherishing this moment. In my deepest hopes, I didn’t think it was possible for a late night visit to happen like this. I just didn’t think it was possible since he couldn’t just leave the house without reason. Alternating between meaningful kisses and tighter hugs, I indulged in this much needed happiness. I haven’t truly smiled today or felt that great, but in that moment my day was complete. He is my happiness, without a doubt. Okay, maybe I teared up. He laughed a little, to see a pair of watery eyes behind these orange Vogue glasses.

We went over to the front, me now skipping a little, to go thank his brother. While we were texting tonight, I believed that he was at home watching a movie. As it turned out, he was at his uncle’s house, not too far from where I live.

I’ve been pretty much dead ever since I woke up from that nap. Eating beforehand did not settle well in my stomach. But at the sight of him, at the sound of his voice, at the touch of his lips, I was revived. I love you so much. Thank you, thank you, for everything you do. ♥ Photo is of my lifetime supply of Nutella waiting for me at Costco :)

Happy Birthday Ma, I Love You!

You have no idea how stressful it is trying to look for a better place to live in a small town.. for a family of five. Tonight I've been continuing my search online for a rental around town that is cheaper and more reasonable for the price. That is aside from all the goodness in today. this morning, I finally got to see him. We hung out here at my place and the atmosphere was so casual. By the time he came, I had chocolate-chip pancakes ready for him. When we were in the kitchen, everyone started waking up and we all crowded in the kitchen. He gets along well with my family, especially with my brother, which makes me exceptionally happy. I greeted my mom for her birthday and my brother cracked jokes every now and then. Acknowledging religious differences, I didn't want Jacob to feel uncomfortable. We didn't have decor all over the place or anything, so that was a little more settling. It really makes me happy inside that he get's along with my family - even my dad! Pa doesn't say anything bad or negative about him and knowing my dad, it's a sign that he accepts him. For the majority of the morning we watched shows about plastic surgery and fat camp, cuddled on the couch, arm in arm. Goodness, that was hilarious! I'm very comfortable with the idea of spending a casual morning doing nothing with him.

As the day went on and he had left, my mother's celebration continued to grow. Afte

r a nap, I went with the sister to buy a card and candles. For everything that we've been planning

for her birthday, I've been choosing options that would make her feel younger. For example, at the store, I wanted to find a card that said Happy 15th instead of a mature, elegant car

d. Make her smile, yknow? This has been the first year where I really put in effort to give her a great birthday, showing her that I love her. Last night, I made the cake. Today, I had everyone write a little message in the card instead of just signing their name. I really hope she enjoyed how this birthday turned out as I am with this entire day. Photo is from our little celebration!

A Headache For A Day Topped With Coconut Shavings

The stress kicked in today. I'm captain, I really want to see my boyfriend, my boyfriend comes to see me, he leaves upset, and I go home with a headache. Sometimes, the age gap really sticks out to me when I'm with the guard. They're all so young: rookies, freshmen, and 3rd years. Although the age differences aren't too big, I still feel so old. It can somewhat be a lonely feeling, but what can you do, right? I was running practice not too badly up until lunch, clapping pretty much the entire time, resetting work and breaking counts down to their cores. I felt like I was losing the boost of confidence I was having. I caught myself explaining things so poorly too often, not knowing how to get back on track. I felt embarrassed of myself. I don't know what happened today, but my guess was right. Last night, I told you I wouldn't be able to get through today, and I barely made it through. Sitting in the BS'd leadership meeting, I saw you. I was so happy and was dreading the stupid meeting. They were not even talking about anything relevant! Unfortunately, I found out last minute that I had to give someone a ride. You brought your bike. This wasn't going to work out. I didn't even know what was going on yet, but all I knew was that I wanted to see you. If all I got was a hug and small talk, I would have been so happy. As it turns out, you left without notice - without a good bye, without even a hello. It hurt. It hurt more to see your status read something like "Home. What a waste. Now I'm wet double whammy" When I first read it, I couldn't believe my eyes. A Waste? Wet? It was the slightest drizzle and you had concluded on your own that there was no hope left for us to see eachother today. The only option was to go home. What got me furious was that I've been through so much more than just a a drizzle, multiple times. There was practically a blizzard I walked through from your house back to the bus stop, where I waited almost an hour to get on, and then walked the rest of the way home. I was literally ready to just fall over in the snow and close my eyes. There was the countless times where we'd walk to your house after school, but I stayed in a parking lot while you went to check if the coast was clear. Turns out, someone would be home and I would get a phone call basically telling me to walk all the way back alone to go home. There were so many unfortunate times, but never had I referred to them as a "waste". I cherished every minute I got to physically be next to you, so as long as that happened, I wasn't wasting anything. I know we have restrictions, but thats what makes every second worth it. We made up later, as I bit my tongue, just wanting relief. I got home, went into the cellar, got the bike, and began biking towards your house. It began to drizzle. Whatever. I just needed to see you and I was sticking to our word from last night. We ended up sitting in that parking lot under my umbrella until I could get a ride back home with my sister. Tonight I made a cake for my mother. Her 51st birthday is tomorrow. I usually never do anything for her, but over this past year, I've learned to love her more and show it. I made her a red velvet cake - four layers, cream cheese frosting all over, and coconut shavings sprinkled on top. Photo is of that lovely cake and my waiting game.

Caught Off Guard

You breathe in, breathe out, and accept. This is the formula to getting out of an argument or preventing it from getting worse. It hurts, but it's needed. Nasty things can be said, but where would that honestly get us? We fell into argument that had me off guard.

Anyways, practice today was pretty great. We're actually almost done with the first number, written, learned, and rehearsed in a few days time! The rookies have been doing well and I've been trying to be the best leader I can be. Smile when things are stressful and just push push push forward. Someone quit today and all I could say was, "See ya." If you don't want to be here, or it is going to be too complicated to keep you here, then you might as well go. Tomorrow is the same rehearsal times. I really hope I get to see him tomorrow. Photo is of practice. We started learning drill today, but the guard wasn't out there for more than 20 minutes. :)

Finally, Pancakes For Two

I can't keep being the perfectionist - not in this relationship, at least. We had a good morning, I can admit that, but an incomplete feeling still settled in my stomach. Maybe I wanted to do something more with you like bake a cake or watch a movie. About 10 minutes ago, he just advised me that I shouldn't have such high expectations. I've always been a perfectionist and sometimes it works out for the better, but right now for the worse. We finally had our chocolate-chip pancakes made for two; it was very sweet and chocolate-y for a breakfast! We ended our day when we biked back to the other side of Belleville and parted ways at the intersection of Joralemon and Franklin St. I know he hates the feeling when I hang out with someone else after him, as if he's being used. I don't mean to make him feel that way, but I'm just trying to keep my life together - every aspect of it. I went down to Ana's house to to chill with her and get food at Burger King. That was definitely a fun, low key hang out. I "almost" ran off the side walk and "almost" ran into a fence. When I say "almost", I kind of mean I actually did. At Burger, we had low key conversation and it was nice. I never had the guts to look someone dead in the eyes when I talked to them - it feels too awkward. Right before we left, I got a call from the realtor who was trying to help me find a better apartment for the family. We laughed at how I picked up her foreign accent and spoke it all the same. Later, we biked to Arianne's house where we chilled with Deejay, Arnelle, and Arianne ofcourse. It was nice, we watched TV and played Wii, but it was a matter of time before I had to bike back home. Photo is of me and him at the intersection before leaving. He didn't want me to take a picture, so I took one :)

Pancakes For One

SO I JUST FINISHED JOSH'S BATMAN BRACELET. It's 4AM, I'm still wearing my contacts, my back hurts, and I need some sleep! Anyways, I really looked forward to having our Monday, but I ended up only making chocolate-chip pancakes for my own breakfast instead of ours. Of course the let down hurt, but I kept my chin up. We still ended up going to Adrian's house together, while he helped Adrian with guitar. Although I just chilled on the computer the entire time, I had a feeling of pride for him. He just started playing guitar about a year ago and aspires to be a music teacher. Today, he plays soo much better than how he did a year ago and he's even teaching someone else what he knows. Hopefully, tomorrow we can share pancakes for two. Photo is of me at Adrian's house via Tumblr!

Greatness Is In My Radius, Always

Today started off with my unwilling motion of going to church.I was so tired that all I wanted to do was turn over, close my eyes, and continue to sleep on the uncomfortable couch I refer to as my bed. After church, I went along a path of terrible foods. I hadn't eaten anything before church, and when I got home I prepared an oatmeal cookie with Nutella. Anything tastes good with Nutella so don't judge! I had a couple of those before actual food and continued to eat poorly after lunch. Then, I laid down on the couch, read, and napped. I woke up with the grossest feeling ever, feeling all the bad foods inside me. Around 5:30PM I headed to Kim's so we could catch the drum corps show in Clifton. It definitely was an amazing show, just watching drum corps perform in general. It inspires me to be just as great as the guards on the field, just as it did when I first saw a drum corps perform two years ago at DMA. It inspires me so much more, though - on a different level. Back then, I didn't know it was possible to be so amazing. Now, I know that it's possible and I've grown closer to being like them. I am aware that it is in my radius or potential to perform on a field along-side a lot more talented people, feeling so confident in myself and what I do. Tonight makes me really want to march a summer season. Money means nothing compared to the heart I have for this. Photos are from tonight.

They Should Be No Different

This day started off early with a car wash. It was something I enjoyed very much, as lazy as I may have been. I remember my greatest efforts being put towards my very first car wash 3 years ago and that was it. Every year, I leave it to the rookies to get the job done, but at the same time making sure somethings actually being done. For the majority of the car wash, I hung with Ana, Deejay, Emily, and Doug. We've determined Doug to be getting Coolest rookie this year! I personally felt very content inside to have spent the morning chilling with people I have been so distant from this entire year. I didn't feel the least bit awkward; I just felt like myself and I liked that feeling. Afterwards, I stuck with Ana because I had no ride. Emily, Ana, and I went to the music store on Washington to buy a capo, where we encountered the weird owner who gave us a bargain without us even bargaining. Dropping off Emily, we went back to Ana's house where we just chilled in the basement as she practiced her performance for Deejay's ma's surprise party. We also tried to play variations of Happy Birthday : acoustic, rap, slow, fast, etc. It was mucho fun :)

Later at 5PM, I headed to Vicky's Sweet 16 Party at her house. At first, I debated whether or not I should go, but I've been really learning to "take initiative" in my life. I was afraid that not knowing anyone would make me feel a bit awkward, but I went anyway, finishing the birthday card along the way. I had a good time tonight. It wasn't all out fun, but I couldn't help but feel good at the thought of how I pulled through. If I hadn't gone tonight, I wouldn't have become more acquianted with people in my grade through many games of Rock Band. I would have been wondering now "what if?". I would be curious if I missed something great. I've come to realize that parties now should be no different than they were in Elementary School. Sure, you didn't know anybody that well there, but you went anyway for the sake of having fun and meeting new people. This weekend's a busy one and I honestly can't wait to see a familiar face on Monday morning. :) Photo is of the Car Wash.

Wiped Out About 5 Times

At the same time, it is funny and tragic when you get washed up by the waves. It is also a scary moment in your life because you don't know where you are, tumbling through crashing waves with eyes closed and breath held. Today was enjoyable to say the least. I headed to Point Pleasant Beach today with my sister and her boyfriend. We've always been some kind of trio hanging out, even when I was just a cockblock, hired my mother dearest. We hit the water which was so FREEZING that after a while, my body didn't adjust as well as it was going numb. Alo called and told me that he was there also, with Joriz. They met up with us and set their stuff next to ours and we all hit the water again. That was pretty fun, too. They even got along with my sister and her boyfriend. Swimming became "trying to survive" and we all just laughed as each of us got wiped out. Unfortunately, when we went to change, we went separate ways, but never met up afterwards. This trio got food and eventually raced back to the car against our expired meter. My body is, sore and my skin is dark. Tomorrow, I will only get sorer and darker at the Band Car Wash. Photo is of the bridge we headed over on the way there.

A Summer Well-Spent

My day was very short lived. I woke up at 11:15AM, only sleeping in because the guy I love urged me to. I'm always willing to wake up early like it's school for him. I took my shower and got dresses. Before leaving, I was looking at property listings online for places around Belleville. I would love to move into a 3 bedroom apartment at a $1,500/month rate rather than what I deal with now. A run down, 2 bed, small apartment ain't worth jack. Around 1PM I got a ride from my brother over to the other side of Belleville to hang out with Jacob. The weird part about my leaving the house was that I didn't lie to my mom and she let me go. I just got dressed and told her I'm going out. Maybe it's the assumption that if I'm getting ready, it means I have to be somewhere. When I ask to go somewhere, though, theres the option to say no.. Yeah, let's not think to hard into that. From the high school, I walked towards his house when I actually met him half way. I was so happy to see him. It is the same feeling every time - whether I'm happy, sad, or mad, I know my heart is better off being with him. We first went to the barber shop on across from the Middle School so he could get his haircut. He previously mentioned it wouldn't be safe for me to go in because the barber familiar with him and a few other JWs. So for about 45 minutes, I wandered through Walgreens looking at makeup, hair dye and other things. I found myself also reading through a "Short Hair" magazine, looking for tips in styling my hair. When he was cleanly cut for his big religion-based gathering this weekend called Assembly, we proceeded on to JPs Dry Cleaners to pick up his suits. Then, we settled at Taco Bell for a while, with a nice, casual meal. We are both broke hoes and spent our last bucks on our meal combined. I look back on today and I should have felt happier. Today was making up for yesterday's distance and it was just the two of us! I did feel happy, but I think my hormones at this time of the month messed with me. At times, I was very cherry with him while at others, I was bleh. The mood swinging was not helpful in feeling how I wanted to feel. Today, it was realized that summer's coming to an end, especially because band camp is just around the corner. That will mean all the less days to spend with him until afterwards. As much as I can grieve at the thought, I can't help but feel happy with the summer I've spent with you. Photo is of the magazine I looked through today.

He Finally Tastes Coldstone's: Like It Birthday Cake Remix

If I think back on today, I would be able to only assume it was a dream. This dream started off with rehearsal. Today, I honestly felt like I was improving as a captain. My voice projects with more assurance and confidence now. Not only that, but I know what I'm saying. :D Before, I would project my voice too much and get lost in thought, stuttering and slurring my words as if I was just another member. Now, here I am talking on AIM to one of the new guard members. She confessed that she actually looks up to me in color guard and here I am giving her advice in becoming better. If she makes competitive, then she will officially crown me as her Yoda. As cheesy at it sounds, it means a lot to me. I used to be the noobie, picking up a flag for the first time ever. Yeah, I looked up to the current captains at the time, but I never expected to be the captain.

The rest of my day was not a fairytale, but it was like something that may lead up to one- the one I want the most..

Rewind. After band, he came by with a guitar because he needed to make a cover with a friend. We were out in the front with DJ, who was ditched by a few people who went with others he doesn't like. We ended up spending the day together, the three of us at Jacob's house and with an interesting trip to Coldstone's. Unfortunately, mother nature said hello today because she had the best timing in the world. At his house, we sat on the deck, with our feet soaking in the pool. With DJ around, it's pretty obvious we can't do anything, but at the same time I wouldn't be there at all if he wasn't. I set my mind to be grateful for the lesser feelings. After a while, his father came home. Then, his brother. Next, his other brother. Last but not least, was mama. We ended up all getting along and we even had tacos for dinner. With the whole family there, I felt like I was getting along with my future second family and this was a good start. I single-handedly embarrassed myself about twice, singing a silly song from my Spanish classes from Elementary School for each parent. Before leaving for Coldstone's, DJ and I said our good-byes to the parents. Again, I look back and think, "This will really benefit us in the future." I'm establishing a good relationship with his family. Maybe we'll be able to do more things. Maybe neither of us will have to make suck life-changing decisions. Maybe God has something waiting for us- something that we'll finally let us be together, without the hurt of others, without the biggest sacrifices.

Maybe the benefit of today could not come without our initial sacrifice. Unfortunately, we didn't get to spend much time together, keeping a slight distance from each other the entire time. I would choose to hold your hand over keeping distance any day. I'm not sure why not all of our efforts were here today, but I mainly got to hold your hand when we went to Coldstone's. Even then, did I feel awkward because of all the people we were with. I know them all, but I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was mother nature's fault. Anyways, whatever is done is done. We can't say today sucked, because it definitely didn't, but it wasn't our fairytale, either. Ah, hopefully tomorrow brings that. Photo is of my view from lying on his hammock :)

Greatest Efforts On Days I Aspire

It was nice to spend a morning with him, as always. It was hard trying to wake him up at 9:45AM as all I could hear was him breathing on the phone. I feel bad having making him bike here so early and tired, but I also can't go there. If I could, I would - every day of this summer in less than a heartbeat. The days he comes over, I wake up early like it's school. I save enough time for a shower and to clean up. I've put so much more effort in these mornings than those of all my school years combined. Anyways, today was a lot more subtle than yesterday. We were both tired, so we napped together after watching a few episodes of Adventure Time. He didn't want to really fall asleep in fear of waking up too late. Later, we left and I biked with him to JP Cleaners to pick up his orders. I walked back with him to his house and from there, made my way to Deejay's. Right before we parted ways, he stated the directions I should follow to get there over, and over, and over again until it stuck in my mind. I had it down packed, yet I still managed to take a turn too early for the fact that I was on the phone. I was so confident about this, too! At Deejay's we just chilled as the three of them worked on a medley for an upcoming surprise party for his Deejay's mama. Times like this make me wish I was more musically talented so I could be part of projects like so. I also wish I was more open minded to creativity rather than draw without thinking and create something good. I would love to collaborate with other artists one day. Yeah, that would be cool. Photo is of us this morning. :)

Maggots, Reptiles, and A Walk Around The World

From around 9:30AM-3:45PM, I walked allll around town with him. [and into Nutley, too!] Today was unbelievably amazing. I hate there constant ups and downs we go through, but it's all definitely worth it when we have days like today. The day began when I got dropped off at the high school for "band practice"and made my way to your house. Even from the start today, I knew I had worn the wrong shoes: Urban Outfitters cheap, high top sneakers with crappy soles. As I waited for him, I sat behind the chiropractor's office, tried to drown a maggot with iced coffee, and re-laced my shoes. Our first stop was JP's Dry Cleaners. The walk wasn't too bad and like I did for all of today I enjoyed our conversation on the way there. We can literally talk about anything and our conversation always stay alive. The aspect of not bringing bikes today really helped. We were actually able to talk instead of trying to get a few sentences in as we both bike up and down hills, ahead and behind one another. After the cleaners, when walked all the way to Nutley diner. That HAD to be about an hour walk! There we shared some chocolate-chip pancakes, but no Belgian waffle with ice cream and strawberries as I had envisioned. Out waiter was also annoying; it was mainly her high-pitched voice.

Then, I took him to Mandee right next door. It was pretty funny how upset he was that he was actually in the store. He didn't want to, but I convinced him to come in :) I looked around, being a girl, looking at clothes, but also not

forgetting I was broke. I loved the feeling of shopping with him. It made me feel like we were older - a teaser for the future. I know for a fact that I'll be dragging him around shopping, 10 years from now, too! I tried on some sandals that I was considering buying, along with hooker pumps! I have no idea how people wear those. The walking didn't stop there. We had to walk all the way back to the cleaners, but not without a short roam around Franklin Ave. We joked around the Dollar store, which I very much like [the store]. We also stopped by CVS before practically walking around the whole world to JP's. But hey, the exercise was good. Wandering down Washington Ave. , I notice a golden Honda Odyssey dive by. My awesomely-amazing sunglasses prevented me from seeing who was in there, but I turned to him and joked, "Berrrnaaadiiineeeee!!! :D" His reaction was nothing, as he was already standing there in disappointment and anger. It was her. He was angry that we had to see her because he had been doing a great job avoiding her all summer. I noticed we were right by the pet store. Wanting to keep the mood cheery, I grabbed him by the arm and skipped there, claiming we HAD to go in. A walk around in there definitely did the trick. We observed all the reptiles and pets up for sale, along with the food. I found out reptiles make him feel uncomfortable, while showing him the buckets of live meal-worms made things no better. :)

Finally, we headed back to his place where we did something I will always love: just laying there with him. At first, I was simply lying next to him with my head rested on his arm. Then, he suddenly curled up into me. "Usually the girl does this, but you took too long," he said. I laughed, but couldn't deny enjoying the feeling of having him in my arms for that period of time. I reverted back to his first position, and we just laid there again. I laughed and finally spoke, "Am I taking too long?" "A little," he responded. I proceeded to curl into his nook. The relevant part of my day ended when we walked to Dunkin' Donuts, bought my brother a sandwich, and drove Jacob back home. We left much earlier that usual because my nerves would not settle. Someone comes home at 4PM and any minute at the hour of 3PM had me shitting bricks. I'm slightly scarred and fearful to ruin things with his family. Last year, I met his mother on 3 bad occasions, and then I finally got along with her on good terms last month. I didn't want to ruin anything, if she cause me over their house.

Photos are of my pancake and us at Mandee. Look, he likes it there! :D [but don't look, at my messed up left eye]

Accomplishing The Closest Thing

It's healthy for couples to argue things out every now and then. Unfortunately for us, we argue so much that it is at such an unhealthy level. I'm starting to learn to maintain composure, even when I feel like yelling back. It truly saved the day. Even in the midst of healing from yesterday, an older argument resurfaced. Holding down the argument as best I could, I asked him afterwards if we could please just move on and we did. Conversation was still bitterly awkward at first, but we've worked our way to place where we are now. The atmosphere has lightened up a lot more and we're hopefully going to see each other tomorrow. That was probably the first time we have accomplished anything relative to having an argument and making up 5 minutes later. Honestly, I prefer to argue with him and get everything out over the idea of not talking to him for an entire day. It kills me to be alone in that state, sulking and worrying. Khristian told me it's for a cool off period because most guys, including himself, would rather not blow up in a loved one's face. But if this is the best way, then I'll just have to make due. Photo is of the bracelet I've started to work on for myself. I'm really excited to finally start this one, but it's a bitch!