Halloween At Ends

Happy Halloween! And moreso, Happy end of the longest short season ever!! There was a sandwich of feelings tonight that had me up and down. The morning of a competition day always begins up there. Excitement is always present when it comes to getting ready for what we know to be a big day. I pulled up to the high school with my coffee in hand and inside we began on make-up. The guard couldn't help but bring up last night every now and then, reminiscing on the fun. Last night, I finally bonded with the guard. Loading the buses was still part of the incline of happiness. We were really on our way to All-States and I was so prepared. We were going to dominate and be amazing! I brought my camera today, first time in a long while, to document today. Ana bought a bunch of food for the bus ride which we all munched on. I tried to sleep on the way there, but failure to do so began the decline of emotions. I was now feeling tired and incomplete. I think my hair was done so tightly that I couldn't even relax my tired eyes. The entire way there, even with iPod in hand, my eyes were basically close and I was looking into the back of my eyelids. When we got there, I had no other option but to keep going. Thought I did not have sleep, warm-up was good and I was excited again. I felt that I was performing well and spinning just as nicely. When we started marching to the gate, up that familiar, steep hill that I know too well, I got a bit nervous. This was the typical kind of nervousness mixed with excitement. The guard shared Starbursts and we were off. I ended up swallowing my candy which may have been what affected me later on.. I marched down the 50. We set up our flags. I got ready. I wished everyone good luck. The band was ready. Here we go.

So I had a bad show. It bothers me for the fact that.. I felt so ready and so prepared. But when I began to spin, something felt off and it only got worse and worse. I was disappointed in myself. I was disappointed and confused. How could I let this happen at All-States?!. I wasn't going to let these feeling kill me for the rest of the day, but for now, the feeling was sinking in. In between taking photos, I had my arms crossed and my eyes found their way to the groun

d. I tried to talk to my guard and as it turns out, the majority of us had a bad show. I to

ld them that you are going to have your good shows and your bad ones. I was upset, but after that, getting back to the buses and eat had me happy again. Chilling with everyone after a show is what I

enjoy. We ate our food on the side and just relaxed. I took more pics, too. We marched back to the stands to watch other bands as well as buy merch or food. I went around with Deejay, but later came back for awards. Quickly said, the placement we made at awards was nothing different from what I had expected. It still hurt a little, though, get the tiny participation trophy for 9th place. Everyone was disappointed when we got back, yada-yada. I would rather not continue to repeat something I already know. The bus ride back was muchooo fun!! As planned on Friday, we had a rave :D Fabi and Ana brought out the glow-sticks and once the sun went down, we star

ted waving them around. The incorporation of Halloween masks made it even funnier.. along with the peeing in a Vitamin water bottle done by Deejay ahaha. It was pretty sad to understand that getting off the bus tonight would be the last time for this season, and for the seniors we sat with. Th

e good feelings of today finally continued with the Halloween Party. Ana and I finally got to dress up as Mario and Luigi and tonight in general was just great. We took pictures and Fabi took a pic as Snookie with Raymond's wig. Tonight was so great and I wouldn't change a thing. Thank god the season is over, but so long to these fun nights. .. until next year lol. Photos are from throughout today.

Obxnoxiously Loud Without A Care

Finally getting through today's final rehearsal had me half-way breathing out. I'm half way through the end of this, so all I have to do is end strongly! Today was only 9-3:30 and if we're all going to be honest here, I BSed my way through much of it. This season has been pretty intense and so draining that I have been so ready to let up. I will always enjoy doing competitions, but rehearsals have been suffocating me. I didn't stress over practice today, which ended up making it more enjoyable. At the end of rehearsal, DJ and I created a visual for the end of the show where everyone falls asleep. It was exciting to play around with the band and teach it to them. To me, it looked a little fuzzy, but hey it was something!!

Later on tonight, we had our annual colorguard get together. At the end of practice, I picked up my balls and asked Beth's ma if she could come along. Typically, this is known as the "Colorguard Sleepover", but not everyone was allowed to sleepover. Better yet, we all had dinner at Applebee's and man, was it one of the best night I've had in a while. Thanks to Jackie, I found myself laughing my butt off for like 95% of the time! God, we were just so loud and obnoxious!! I enjoyed it, therefore I did not even try to hold them back. When we all first met up there, we had to first wait about 25 minutes for our table. During the wait, we talked and I thought to myself,

hey this isn't awkward at all. I'm actually enjoying myself right now. This was the first sighting of what would be the entertainment of the night. There was a very cute host who helps seating customers standing by the front, and as a guard we all agreed on that. I already know that I have a very loving boyfriend whom I love with all of my heart, but this was just fun for the night. When we finally got seated, we could still see the guy and we all said how cute he was. Jackie, being the obnoxious, hilarious person that she is, decided to walk up to the front and ask him his name. The entire table laughed hysterically at how daring she was to actually do so. She did this for much of the night and we were all ready

to pee our pants. We got so many dirty looks from surrounding customers trying to enjoy their dinners, but I didn't give a shit. This was the first time in my life that I let go of the conservative side completely. I was responsible for this whole table, being the oldest, but I did not do a thing. Usually, I would tell my group to not be as loud, but I only said it about once or twice. The guard ended up staying in the restaurant for about 3 hours and my goodness, it was a fun 3 hours. Figuring out the bill was a bitch, too!

At the end of tonight, with All-States to worry about in the morning, I smile at what a fun time I had tonight. The best part about this has to be surpassing my assumptions. I really can't assume how something will turn out until I take the chance to see for myself. Let's go All-States. Photo is from tonight! :D

OH JESUS, I am so tired and cold! We had a football game tonight which no one had been looking forward to. Half the band didn't to go, while others worked for the Talent show. All throughout this afternoon up until the football game, I felt so damned tired. The mindset I was in led me to feel that because the week is over, stresses are gone, marching band ends on Sunday, I could finally relax. Fatigue took over my body and as the lover was in Brigante's office and others were chilling in the chorus room. I couldn't find a group of people I could sit with without spacing out, so I just met my mind be, got my iPod, and laid down on the floor. As it turned out, the rest helped, although I was dead, all right until block. The bus ride was very fun. Because so many people were out, it was only Ana, Fabi, Steph, and myself in a group. We had really chill conversation and even discussed ideas for our last competition on Sunday. Millburn kids are weird.I am so grateful for the end of the season nearing! Photo is of

Zero, Almost

Finally, all of my true stresses are gone and I can finally sleep with a head much clearer than before. With the revised essay out of the way and the week coming to a close, I couldn't be more grateful. In first period, we played a little bit, but because Mrs. B wasn't feeling well, we packed up early. Second period hit me with a realization. The essay that I had been working on all night and only got 3 hours of sleep for was forgotten at home. Luckily we had a substitute for Mr. Orrei and I do kind of feel bad for not doing his work. If we did not hand in our old AND new essay, we would automatically get a zero! Nobody was home that I could call to drop it off. I reverted to BBMing Alo for help. Literally, he came to the hs, I got called down to hand him the keys, he entered my home, [used the bathroom], and found my paper. He brought it back during my lunch and I couldn't help but feel so grateful and happy.We were outside today from 3:30PM-6:30PM and it wasn't all that bad as I had been dreading. As long as you go with the flow of things and just do it, rehearsal tends to sail through. Photo is from period 1.

4AM Ran On Caffeine

I am very surprised that I managed to pull an all-nighter tonight. Sleep is something I have been entirely deprived of for the past two weeks, this week being the worst. I always say things will get better and easier, but I always underestimate the situation. I always find myself in this same situation where I feel like dying would feel much nicer than what I'm experiencing at the moment. For some reason, 4pm-7pm practices always land on the most perfect nights. I really needed tonight to work on the essay that I have procrastinated on for weeks. Luckily, the guard stayed inside due to crappy weather. After rehearsal, I knew that I was going to need caffeine to get me through the night. Honestly, I have been running on caffeine for the past week or so. When I got home, I had dinner and tried to work on some homework being the big event. I was starting to fall asleep, at the same time fearing for my unstarted work. Finally, around 9PM, my sister, my mother, and I took a drive to Dunkin Donuts. I actually slept on the way there. The caffeine kicked in late, but as long as I am here, done with the do, it's all good. Photo is of

So Tired, So Confident

Today was a very, very nice day. For some reason, my self-confidence was high throughout the day. During school, I was able to talk to people straight forward with out really pulling away eye contact. He and I also went on a double date with Joriz and Alo. If you are reading this don't be completely convinced my day was amazing.

My school day up until 11th period had this underlying stress that did not mix well with fatigue. Last night, I really tried to work on a massive packet due today. The fact that I really haven't been getting sleep for the past few days, that I have been running on caffeine [though I think I'm immune to it's effects now], had me lack of motivation to work fact today. I ended up copying off entirely from Alison, which I am very grateful for. Now that Ms. McLean is back, we actually have to do work. Bleh. As soon as I walked out of per. 12, I was relieved greatly. The biggest chunk of my problems was gone, even with the essay to fix.

We met up with Alo and Joriz at the courts after school. We really haven't hung out with them at all recently, so I was hesitant on how well or awkward this would turn out. My self-confidence carried through and we had really well-flowing conversations the entire time. Something I was even more grateful for was the opportunity to hold his hand for the entire car ride and back. We ended up going to Hooters after a failed attempt at Smash Burgers. It had something to do with later hours where we could get food for free, but it wasn't the right time. At Hooters we had some buffalo wings and fries which will always taste so good to me! Afterward, we came back to Belleville, talking the whole way back, laughing at whatever stories we had to tell. This afternoon was very successful :) Photo is of the homework I was copying from Ana.

How Badly I Just Wanted To Get Away From The World

Oh, how Mondays can be so stressful. I waslked into school today with my iPod on. I haven't done so in a while and the fact that I did this morning just signifies how tired I was and how badly I just wanted to get away from the world. I walked into the band room with my headphones still on. I sat down with them. It wasn't until I started talking with Joe, Jae, and Ana about some homework that the ear buds slowly came off. The idea of practice on a Monday is something I will always dread. My optimism leads me to feel excited for next Monday. Next Monday, there won't be a 4PM-7PM practice. The season will be over and I will finally be able to relax. I will have a better time procrastinating on homework than I have been during band season.

This afternoon, we watched the DVD for States. I love this part of the evaluation process. For obvious reasons, we never get to see what the show actually looks like. Finally being able to, we can finally see mistakes and show the entire section what needs to be fixed. Likewise, the DVD also shows how well our hard work has paid off. What I also like about watching the DVD is how much time we spend going into rehearsal. We were on the big field by like 4:30 and had to move around 6PM to the little field. As much as I love colorguard and band, I hate rehearsal. I know that we can't be good unless we practice, but many times I just want to lie down and relax. I was hyper at the beginning of rehearsal, but it died down. We didn't really do anything and only did a run through. Even though I whined about the run-through in the darkness, I do prefer doing them in one shot in opposed to doing it at the end of a long practice. Tonight is hell with The Crucible work do tomorrow. At least I watched the movie tonight! Photo is of the beanie I need to give to Ana.

Sing Your Brains Out On The Way Home

I'm going to go ahead and begin this post with our scoring for tonight. We placed 5th out of 18 group 2A bands and COLORGUARD GOT 2nd IN THE STATE, DOWN BY ONLY 2 POINTS! I really, truly couldn't be anymore happier [other than actually winning overall]. I will forever be modest and be grateful for our placement, as long as we had our best show yet. No one dropped, everyone performed, and we marched off that field with smiles - I would like to think we had our best show yet!

Reporting to the high school early morning at 7:45AM reminded me of my first year. Practicing right before a competition wasn't something we knew of and it was fun waking up early. It isn't as exciting, waking up and reporting early, as it used to be, but nonetheless fun. The fact that we had a 9-5PM rehearsal yesterday just had me tired, is all. We left around 8:45AM with a 2.5 hour ride a head of us. I like and dislike these long rides. I love them for the fact that a lot can happen on the bus and sleep is nice. What sucks about them is the entire wait. When we load the buses, I'm pumped and excited to perform, but when we get off, I'm too tired to care.

Warm-up was interesting. While doing across the floors by the land depression, many of us were slightly going downhill. Many of us were a bit nervous. I even forgot a few sets. WE WERE WARMING UP FOR STATES! OFCOURSE WE ARE A LITTLE NERVOUS! Through my extensive time in marching band, I have learned to feel excitement more than nervousness. I don't think I could have performed anymore than I did. All of us were super happy with how we did. Before we performed, I told the girls, and we all agreed, that no matter what happens at awards, the only thing that matters is our own personal improvement and satisfaction with the show. The band was more down than we were, but that isn't really our problem, is it? We did our part, so the band just needs to push forward as we continue to do. On the ride back, we encountered the creepiness of a guy in the passenger seat of a pick-up truck, wearing a Michael Jackson mask and glove. Every time he passed our bus, he was rocking his head back and forth or waving. Ana, Joe, and I were all reading The Crucible. My personal improvement was getting up to page 20.. from page 6. Ana still tried to read with every bit of life that was left before it was completely dark. She was so close to the end of Act 1 and so determined to finish. I on the other hand, was not. Photo is of Bus 1!

Chili, Oh Chili.. Never Again

Getting through 9-5 today was a bit easier than I had thought. The reason may lie behind the fact that I mostly stood out to watch the guard. I constantly pushed them to perform much more than they already were and motivated them from the sideline. The idea may sound lazy, and I felt guilty for it, but I know that in the long run this will help the entire guard. It is not until we are constantly annoyed with a specific detail that we may finally retain. For lunch, I went to Wendy's with Ana and Emily. I ended up getting a large chili - yum! Okay, it was a great idea at the time, but I later found out otherwise. Ir felt like the beans and meaty chunks were sitting at the top of my stomach, ready to run up and out as soon as the chance arrived. I feared for my digestive system when we set up for a full run through. I got through the first one. Then, we set up for another one. I got through that one, too! Yay :D I survived practice and was just so tired thereafter. Knowing that I have a busy schedule and things to be done, I still decided to go to the mall after practice. I was able to pick up some items for Ana's and my Mario and Luigi Halloween costumes. I saw it as my way of relaxing after a long day of stress. Consequently, I have stayed up until 4AM, doing my hair. I'm pretty excited for States tomorrow! Photo is of la madre's Taco Bell dinner.

"I Just Wanna Sayyyy....I Love You!"

The mall can be a beautiful thing as well as bad. Things can come off annoying at certain times more than others. I never knew how stressful the search for a red friggin' beanie could really be until tonight. It's as if the thing is rare! EVERYONE wears beanies today! ..EVERYONE!! I went to GSP tonight with my mother, sister, and her boyfriend. I had the slight joy of buying a hoodie and the perfume I dropped the other day again. These items brought some satisfaction to my being but it was only short-lived. Here I am now, stressed, not perceiving tomorrow as I had wanted to, and ready to lay down and close my eyes.

There was goodness in my day, though.. a great deal of it. At lunch, something very significant happened. We fell into a bit of hard feelings and disagreement. He said "You should've..." ; I said,"I didn't know." There was a good while of being unhappy. But in a matter of a few minutes, we started back into regular conversation. Not too long after, I thought to myself "Had we really done it? Did we just make up after five minutes?!" I have been really observing a maturity in our relationship after we hit the year mark. After school, he and I spent a little date to 7-11. We didn't realize how cold it was until we sat down in the shade and felt the frequent wind remind us of how we should have worn something thicker. We shared our usuals: a large slushie, 3 taquitos [2 Montery Jack, 1 Buffalo]]], and I got donuts. I'm a fatty I knowww! Anyway, due to the cold, we moved to the playground area across the street. We sat on a platform among the monkey bars and slides. He took out his guitar and began to play riffs and songs. I sang along with my crappy voice, his fingers began to get cold. We still kept going! After much experimenting, we began to make up chord progressions and ad-lib some amazing lyrics! I recorded much of it, but I'm pretty upset for not recording the better first-attempts! This little date had my spirits high up and reminded me of why we go so well together. Taking things for granted has been something I've learned better to avoid. It is all the little things in life that have been accumulating and creating the biggest impacts on who I am and the better person I am becoming. Photo is from the park.

Main Goal FIT

It's so cold right now; I wish I had my actual jacket to keep me warm, but I can't seem to find it! D; This morning was weird. Last night, right while I was dead tired, my sister finally came home with my hot coffee. Passing out over my Pre-Cal homework, I chugged down the medium coffee. At the time it didn't help, but this morning I felt the effects of it. When I woke up, my eyes abruptly opened wide and I was fully awake. Usually, my eyelids gradually peel back, savoring every second of sleep. As wide awake I was, I was also very tired. Anyways, the day goes through and everything is just mediocre. I couldn't get my mind off of some things we needed to touch base on at rehearsal later on. In AP Chem, we has a test we could do in pairs. At first, I was a bit discourages because no one wanted to work with me, but I ended up working with Khris. At first, the entire test looked like it was written in Chinese, but with applied smarts, we got a 100! I hope.

Rehearsal tonight wasn't great progress-wise, but it was decent. We spent the most of the time inside for a sectional when we conducted individual run-throughs. Kevin whined at being first because he was scared, upset and nervous. After he was done, the boy was smiling and very happy. I hope there was a mutual effect across the board. The experience of an individual run is to realize that as an individual, each guard member has to be the best they can be.

After practice, I went to the college fair with Ana and it really had me thinking that college is just around the corner. I picked up a couple pamphlets of several colleges, but they are all back ups. My main goal is still FIT, but we have to wait and see where that takes us. Photo is of the mustaches I got from Ana today. We're going to be Mario and Luigi for Halloween. Yeah, I need to pick up a few items for that.

I WANT TO BLOW MY NOSE.

Another night, here I am, barely able to keep my eyes open. When I woke up this morning, the perspectives of today were not looking too great. As I look back on it now, it wasn't too bad at all. School was a little bit of a challenge because I wanted to blow my nose and it was not until period 12 that I took the chance to. Thank you, Xiana! Practice was alright and I honestly think I have to thank the lover for that. Being in the stairwell has grown into something much more meaningful to me than what it was last year. From many mistakes, I know this is one thing I should never take for granted. The bare 30 minutes we get together keeps me together and motivated me through rehearsal. Sitting beside you and chatting was nice, but when you opened your arm, allowing me to lean into your chest, I felt a whole other feeling. I felt complete, and full at the heart. I have come to realize that I'm finally learning from past mistakes. I am cherishing all the little things. I am feeling butterflies in my stomach again and again. When you kiss me and when we hug, I am in my personal Nirvana. Photo is from AP Chem today! Human tetrahedral!

"Please Say A Command"

A day of is what I need before the craze of the next two weeks. I really hope, and I pray to God, that I will make it through. Honestly, I'm happy the season is ending early. At the same time, I was to end it strongly, without regrets. Ever since I was younger, my faith is where I have had great strength. Enough about that, I guess you could say I spent my day relaxed. I will always be grateful for any time we get to spend together, regardless of how short it may be. Today, school dragged a bit, but the sense of relief that I felt as the last bell rang was very comforting. Afterwards, we ended up walking to Taco Bell, thinking that Mama was home. The meal was alright, but we barely had conversation. Your mind was on the fact that la hermana was coming tonight, a visit to see the adorable niece, and just all other events happening later today. I always wish that we can have these amazing days off together that will motivate me to get through the upcoming hardships, but that is not the case. I can not rely on another for such a selfish reason, nor should I complain if our days aren't amazing. I know this is reality; I know not to set high standards. I've been very accepting to that fact and all I can do is love what we have and cherish these little moments. Photo is of a list of songs I want to download thanks to Pandora. My Weezer radio has been super successful!

Baby Boomin'

Here I am again, finding myself ridiculously tired. Practice today was pretty simple, considering the note Shannon made for me. He baby was born today. Vanessa is such a lucky, adorable thangg! I felt bad that I was not participating with the run-throughs and all. I stood around as a tech working on performance and perfection. I did my best not to slack off any I really didn't. I still felt bad that I wasn't dying with them. Well hey, I couldn't breath anyways! I believe that the girls have gotten used to holding up their chins which made me very happy. Today, Jacob's brother's girlfriend had her girl friend. So many babies everywhere!. Photo is of a spontaneous drawing I did today.

Omega 3, Why?!

Hi world, I don't feel too good right now. My stomach is not responding well to dinner. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that fish. UGH, it was so ridiculously oily [natural oil] and I did not like it. I continued to eat because my parents got mad last time I complained about the fish. Never again, man. Anyways, this Sunday was not the best, starting out. I was forced to get out of bed to get ready for church. Church wasn't too bad. We ate Viet for lunch. I actually practiced flute. I think I'm going to end this post now and possibly go be sick. Photo is of cam-whoring.

BCG At Mt. Olive

Oh, goodness. I have the itis! Tonight was the very first time, in all four years of my marching band experience, that I went out to eat after a competition. It was very nice, despite the fact that Deejay couldn't make it. Back from the competition, we were chilling back. We headed to Applebee's to enjoy some food. Emily, Ana, nor myself had been there in a while so it was definitely good opportunity. At first, I only wanted dessert, but we all ended up sharing two entrees and two appetizers. It was tasty, but before we knew it, keeping our eyes fully opened was a great challenge.

Back-tracking to the beginning of the day, I really wasn't looking forward to starting the day early and cold. Rehearsal began at 8AM and I really wasn't in a motivational mood. Thankfully, the rehearsal was short [due to the fb game]. Unfortunately, i twas so cold that during the final run-through, I felt like I was already having an asthma attack with a side of deaaath. It was hard but we got through.

When the competition strolled around, a fear or discomfort regarding the wind rose. When we first got there, I had to pee very band, on top of the fact that I went right before leaving. We tried to advise the guard not to fear the wind and to make up with great performance. Though our show was not perfect because of the ridiculous wind, we were still commended for our efforts. Hrm, perhaps that be why we received the Best Colorguard Caption with our first place! woot. Photo is from the competition. I put the swirl on the wrong side.

8..9..10..DING!

You know those muscle-y men sledge hammer bell things at carnivals? I hit the bell tonight! This, of course, is because I actually went to Homecoming tonight. I wasn't planning on going, but because he had to help the Sophomore Class. I went along and actually stayed with them the entire time. I really enjoyed tonight, but I also feel like a loser. I feel negatively for the fact that I did not even pass by my Junior Class's stand to say,"Hi"or anything. Even people I knew would greet me and I can't keep eye contact with them for more than 2 seconds. I'm so pathetic. I think how I should be more involved with my Junior class because they are the class I'm graduating with. Theeeennn, I figure that no matter what you do in high school, the most important thing is that you are happy. High school becomes the best 4 years of your life when you allow it to be, accepting everything with a positive mind. There was something fun about freezing in the cold. Maybe it was that I was with you. When we had to make signs, and I asked you to hold down the paper, we couldn't help but laugh at how cold we were and how windy it was. When we left, it was nice to hold your hand in the car and share a kiss goodnight. Though we can't publicly display what we have, these little things are everything I would ask for. Photo is of Emily trying to figure out the art of throwing a pie.. she did not succeed.

In The Rain

Goodness, I need to stop watching Law & Order right now! I have been watching ever since I got home from rehearsal. Today's practice was bearable and actually a bit enjoyable because of the rain. I'm pretty upset that I caught my 5 in the rain and have dropped it all other times! Dis be ridiculous! Anyways, practice was very bearable and the day ended fairly quick. Now that All-States has been pushed back, I'm excited and sad at the same time. I love that we will have time for our own lives now, but sad that all the hard work is gone to waste. With my brother in Oklahoma now, I really do miss him. I'm still in the mindset that he is just out and will be back soon, but in reality, we're looking at a months time. As captain, I have realized a better relationship between Anna and the girls. They are all closer in grade and age; I can't help it. Photo is from the Flame Test Lab today! So cool!

A Transition of Feelings

The replaying thought in my head today was that I wasn't going to get through practice. The PSAT's alone were annoying because I was sick. My motivation to do anything was non-existent and I couldn't help but not care. Finishing all the way through with testing was not going to happen. After testing, I kept my hoodie on to deal with the cold. I was falling asleep in Chemistry, but I got it together. I actually knew what I was doing in the last problems we did. A transition of feelings happened 12th period. I honestly love that class because it isn't too bad and it marks the end of the day, as soon as the bell rings. That excitement was soon pushed aside when dread came over. Being sick and unable to breathe did not help me at all. Therefore, I was not looking forward to practice. For all the time leading up to then, I wanted to spend it with him. With him I have comfort in times of fear or distress. It is very heartwarming to have that. When I got home, it finally hit me that my brother is gone. Even now, I am alone because my mother is also at work. My mind had kind of processed this only to be another night where he parties and comes home late. This time, it'll be a month late. As long as I got to give him my good-bye hug this morning, we were all good. Photo is actually from yesterday. Shh.

The Night Before

Tonight was a little bit of bonding with my brother and sister. Bonding in this context, has meaning to the point of.. going to B&N together, and separating. My sister and I stuck together while my brother met up with a friend and introduce him to a girl. Tonight, I spent the majority of my time studying or practicing for the PSATs. I honestly do not have much concern for this testing as I probably should. Half of my mind wants to do amazingly, but the other half doesn't. At BN, I bumped into George and Stephanie. It was nice talking to George, and every time I talk about college with anyone like I did with him, I get excited. We're growing up, its crazy. The idea of my brother leaving in the morning is a crazy thought. I really don't want him to go. Photo is from Barnes & Noble. I wish I was the happiest toddler!

Sleep Here And There

I need to find a new word to describe the last day of my weekends other than lethargic. I pretty much slept all day, after finding out practice was canceled. I'm grateful for the fact that I had not even moved a muscle out of bed when I got that heavenly text. I was so tired that when the birds were obnoxiously chirping by the window, I sat up and looked for the closest reasonable object to through. I wound up tossing a nasal spray bottle at the LG air conditioner and the annoyance stopped. I woke up later on to eat and fall asleep again, hours later. This entire day has been made up of many naps and here I am, ready to add one final session. I really needed this day. But thankfully, I have gotten through a hectic weekend I did not think was possible. I still have this gross, dehydrated taste in my mouth. Bleh. Photo is of my Tumblr crushes!

A Dirty Dancing Partner After Parades

Wow, I had an unbelievably fun time tonight. The way this past year, or rather the current year, is playing out now is much better than I had feared. I thought losing people in my life would pull me down, but at that same time, I realized that life moves on, regardless. I am very grateful for the people in my life - I truly am. They say, "You don't realize what you have until it's gone", and that ideal has hit me. I also realized that I can really be an outgoing person, but I need to break through all of the awkwardness first. I'm learning to stop hesitating with the decisions that I make. When a song came on, I thought about picking up Rey to have a dance. I let my mind process the thought and forward it into a decision. I rose from my seat, made eye contact like a creeper, and began to strut my way over there. We danced and had so much fun, just laughing our heads off. It's truly a nice feeling to be in individual who is comfortable in her social surroundings. Tonight,that feeling overwhelmed me, as I danced all out, like nobody's business!

When it comes to friendships, I realize that Ana really has been a close, best friend to me. She probably doesn't know it, but becoming friends with her in 7th grade was probably one of the best decisions of my life. Being friends with a person like her helped me feel comfortable with who I am because she was someone I could relate to and had much in common with. It told me that it was okay to be me. I'm not a girly girl, but it doesn't mean I'm a butch tomboy.

Tonight was kind of weird. I started to cry when her brother started performing a dedication to her. At first it was a joke as I mentioned, "I'm about to cry." Before I knew it, there were tears freely passing through my tear ducts! The year I have been with a full heart has also taught me to truly feel and express emotions. The tears came so easily. I think the crying was conceived in the feelings of pride and the fact that Ive been around to see another person change so greatly as I have. I think it may have been that I felt for her. In her shoes, I could see that all of this good was happening in life.

Because of poor time crunches, I gave her a BS gift tonight. At UO, I bought her an LOL Camera and the reason why was that in the mean time while waiting for the real thing, she should begin capturing moments in her 16th year. From personal experience, a lot can happen when you hit that age. I didn't see half of it coming either! I'm working on her gift soon! Photo is of Bryan right before he played :'3

Unorganized Second

Second competition tonight was an awkward competition, based on organization.

Kicking back a few notches, we all felt that it was a decent show. It can always be better, but it it was acceptable. Unfortunately, coming off the field Diana saw Shannon and excitedly asked how she did. Shannon put her excitement down quickly, saying that she messed up, writing her own show. As a captain, I don't want to make these girls into robots. I want to teach them self pride and self accomplishments, as I have been learning for the past few years. PJ was there tonight and I know it may sound crazy, but I was really excited to see him. Despite last year's great ending, it was still fun to be acquainted with him. We have come to realize that we just highly disliked Milenz. Yuck. Photo is of the guard getting ready.

Pep Rally And Pork Cubes?

Today's pep rally was a failure. I'm more upset for the fact that I know I'm better than that and this year, we had full potential in being good for the first time. The band , especially colorguard, is known to always mess up at the pep rallies and just have a bad show, but this was bad for different reasons. We have our whole show written; we have all of our drill. We know the work. What ruined the entire performance today was that we stood at the ready for about 20 minutes straight minutes. We didn't move too much and it was cool to relax and all, but the body reacts otherwise. All of the blood rushed to my feet and I lost all circulation in my hands. By the time we were on the field, counting off the show, I couldn't feel in my hands. First toss - drop. Its not even a real toss! It was a friggin flip. End of first- can't breathe. End of second- cant breathe. The third is coming up -crap- screw up the flag work along with dropping your 5. Great performance!

After school, I went along with him, Ana, and others back to Adrian's house for a little group for covers and what not. No progress whatsoever was made, other than ordering Portuguease food. I felt bad because Adrian really wanted to get things done along with Jacob, but no one listened. Ana and I had to leave at around 3:50 PM to report for a bbq for the band, cheer, and fb parents.. not the kids. How messed up is that? Our performance for half-time was also apparently bad, I didn't forget to leave room for improvement and redemption. Photo is everyone in Adrian's basement.

MOOOOOOODDDD...swings

This is by far the worst period I have ever experienced. The reason is not extreme pain; the reason is not overeating. I have actually been having the craziest mood swings today and the greatest part about this is that I have noticed all of it. When I was in first period, I was the crankiest, most depressed person in the world and was on the verge of tears, even! Then, from 2nd period to the middle of my 7-10 block, I was a happy go lucky person. I began to feel fatigue and slight cramping. I wasn't as bad as first period, but it still was not up to par. This entire day, he teased me about the mood swings and all I could do was laugh along with him because he was right.

I thank God for getting me through practice. In the midst of all my hopelessness in the past few days, I found myself praying to him for guidance and strength. With my faith and the form of love that stands by me every day, the lover, I have been able to get through. Also, I don't see the rest of this weekend as harshly as I have been. I feel so very grateful to the both of them. Photo is of my bruised up leg [worse] . There are four consecutive bruises in the vicinity of my right knee, but this only displays three. I have many more on my wrists.

Bound For Tears, But None Came

Bruises. I have 4 on my right leg, no more than 3 inches apart from each other. I also have a few on each of my wrists. I jammed both of my thumbs tonight. I couldn't breathe. Needless to say, I died tonight. I feel like every year of band gets a lot more hardcore than the last, and it's harder to keep up. I can remember standing on the 50 yd. line tonight, in the crouch I start the show, praying to God I make it through this run. We made it through, but not forgetting the breathless counting or rolling back of tired eyes. I came home, so dead, and with the urge to just break down and cry. The little things were getting to me. I finally couldn't take the fact that the carpet bunched up under furniture. I kept tripping over it, so I asked my brother to help me fix it. In the bathroom, OCD kicked in and I wasn't satisfied unless I cleaned off the vanity area. At one point [many actually], I began the sobs of complete hopelessness, but tears were not produced. I truly did feel hopeless. I am probably making the issues bigger than they are, but that is just the way my mind functions. I am very grateful to have him around because he brought me back to a state where I was able to calm myself. At one point, I was ready to fall into full-on cardiac arrest. My mind was that stressed. It isn't as bad anymore. I had a large coffee and I really think that pushed me to actually work! Photo is of about 3 of the mentioned bruises. Wow, my leg looks really awkward!

Calm Before The Tsunami

A day to relax before the hurricane tsunami [also known as the rest of this week] hits, is what today was supposed to be. For what it was, that goal was mostly achieved. After school, the feeling of no practice is so heavenly! After rehearsal, he and I went our own way to 7-11. He wanted a "Save the Ta-ta's" bracelet, so that was our main reason of going. We went on our way there and really did enjoy myself. When it's days, just you and I, I love it. As much as I love hanging out with a group, the idea of just us is very warming to the heart and something I really need for this week, before I get lost in the craze of marching band. I bought a hot chocolate which burnt my tongue. Note: never use a straw, for it concentrates the heat to one spot. Trying to find somewhere else to go to avoid the possible rain, we made our way to Dunkin Donuts. The rest of the group was there, so we sat by them. We shared a coupon to buy a dozen donuts at the price of 1/2 a dozen. In some confusion with the coupon, we got 2 donuts free. LOL. I love my boyfriend! When I got home, there was no type of motivation left to do anything remotely academic. I did my history questions and in the midst of those, I passed out. I didn't bother to try to stay awake and edit my paper. A bed felt really nice for once. Photo is of us at Dunkin. I am all up in his grill :D He doesn't like this picture cus he looks big, but I look weird. too! >_>

Nostalgic Sounds

It is absolutely too cold for the beginning of October. Gahh. In the bathroom before practice, I prayed to God that I may make it through this afternoon. Going outside until 7PM would be a total bitch and I would not make it through. For the time that we were outside, we took 3 laps. I personally deserved those because I had pigged out yesterday. I felt a little better, even though I was dying at the end of it. As the night turned out, we ended up having a BS practice! God, how I love these! It began to rain about an hour into practice, so we had to move everything to the gym. With everything in the gym and everyone playing their instruments, I was hit with a feeling of nostalgia. When a full band or drum corps plays in a gym, the acoustics are crazy. Everything echoes and the entire sound just sounds 20x bigger. This sound pulled me away from reality for a little while, like a little band nerd. It got me excited because I envisioned myself performing alongside a drum corps as amazing as the Cadets. Tonight definitely inspired me to march somewhere big, but I can't forget all the hard word that goes into it. Anyway, the guard did not stay with the band, but we had a sectional in the auditorium. It was fun, considering the laid back rehearsal of the third number. Photo is of everyone in the gym.

Binge Binge Binge Since A Bing Duong Lunch

I think my periods coming soon. Or at least I really hope it is. As much as I hat emy period, it would be a great excuse for my massive binge/pig out I had today. Eating everything in sight, I had room for more. I think I lost my appetite, though, at dinner when we had tuna steak. I took an observing look into my cut, and there were these thread-like strand going again the meaty grain. Worms? -shivers- I examines them the whole time and my parents got mad, probably in disrespect. I got really grossed out and ate squid instead. Today, I have been feeling the after effect of yesterday, My legs are sore in random places, proving how much I put into yesterday. I didn't wear heels to church because I wanted to actually rest my poor feet for a day! Photo is of the amazing new flooring at Stop & Shop. LOL. Hi, my name is Stefanellie and I'm easily amused.

In The Fairness Of Verona... We Got 1st With An 80

And then I remember... this is what I live for, work for, die for. Unlike dying for chemistry, dying at the hands of hard work is much more rewarding. Guard demands so much more of me as I literally die for it. I physically push my body past it's limits, dying through the run-through that we do after a run-through which I thought was the last. That's what I experienced today, doing many runs for our upcoming competition tonight. The guard had a longer day than most of the band. Our day started off at 8AM for an hour-long sectional to work on the third number. It was out of my favor to do so, but it had to be done. As the morning progressed, it felt like lunch was so much farther away! After dying through run after run, The colorguard laid onto the turf in complete exhaustion, in our own radial circle. I made the needed announcements, with eyes closed and just so out of it. At this point, I felt like we were finally bonding as a guard, no matter how small we may be. I really liked this. The idea hit methat..nothing really clicks until you get into the competitive portion to the marching band season. Whether you are a rookie or an old 4th year like myself, the feeling is all the same. The only difference between the two would have to be the proportioned balance of excitement and nervousness. After relaxing for about 5 minutes and half the field cleared off, we began to gather our things and roll the bed off the field. With lunch finally here, we had to pack the equipment and start working on make-up. This was definitely starting to get exciting. Finally putting on the uniform and seeing the guard how we were going to look in a few hours was very thrilling. It was nerve-wracking, though, trying to get everyone's make-up done before block. Our rookie came late and so she had to sit with me on the bus ride to Verona. I honestly enjoyed it though! In that 20 minutes, I redid her hair, make-up and all. I felt proud because her hair looked ahmaazing! ;D Not just for that reason, but I did feel proud to be sticking through with her. She has gotten far and can only go farther.

Oh sweet, sweet competition time. With only 10 minutes to warm-up, there was definitely a time crunch! Learning from past mistakes, Shannon knew how to treat a warm-up. stress-free, full concentration, determination. Before we kne

w it, we had to get into competition line! As soon as the mark-time was commanded, I turned back to my guard and reminded them to hold their heads up high, starting right then and there. The excitement was building up within me. We marched out way up the convenient hill and waited at the gate. As a traditional band superstition, we didn't face the band that was perfo

rming. At this time, I brought the guard into a nice little huddle. Wow, I was giving my very first minuscule pre-show speech! I reminded them of things I always kept in mind. "Your

are said to be the pride of Belleville. Now prove it. This is your chance." After a few other notes, we shared our customary Starbursts. Open it together, eat it together, place it in yo

ur left boob - together. Time was flying very fast because not too much longer, the ending claps of Rutherfor

d's show was fading off. Throwing out some last good-luck's on the way, we were on. Chins up, feet in time, here we go. The fact that I was walking down my guard down the 50 yd. line didn't hit me as hard as I expected , but I'm sure it will at our bigger competitions - especially when I have a better idea of what this guard is capable of.

From my perspective, I had a decent show. For the fact that I BS'd the beginning of the show and didn't toss in the ballad, everything else was good! No matter what, as long as you keep your head up high, it's a good show. It's all about the performance! Unfortunately, on the band's part, there was a musical tear in the ballad, which caused a l

ot of pooping of bricks. Somehow, we all got back into it, guard and band, and pulled through strongly in the third. Understandably, the third number work was sloppy because we didn't have time to go over it, but we got through! ANNNDDDDD I CAUGHT MY 5! Right before I tossed, the thought process that went through my mind was a little hesitant. I really just hoped for the best, didn't think to much into it, and chucked the hunk o' wood in the air. Watching..watching..watching..solid catch. I looked at the key solid between my hands for half a second, in disbelief, and began to move again.

We all walked off the field, proud for what it was: mistakes and all. Back at the truck, we all shared the excitement and success of marching our very first show. Full band, in a circle around Mrs. B, we acknowledged mistakes and accomplishments. I felt so proud, I couldn't wait for the next show to do even better. In our own separate circle, the guard shared mutual feelings. Some felt upset for dropping, but it was silly because the got back into it. Shannon said

the show was really good and how much better it was than all of this morning. WOOOOT. WE JUST GOTTA KEEP PUSHING!

I love the relaxing portion after performing. As captain this year, the only thing that su

cked was not being able to change or remove my make-up. I had to go out for awards, but I didn't mind too much. I learned the hard way that spandex does not help in the cold. :P Award time just around the corner, I went out to the side with the drum majors, Shakeera, Javi, and Sison. We figured out our present arms and went out for awards. It feels really, really good standing out there, representing Belleville, especially when you feel like you just had the best show of your life. The thing with me during awards would have to be that I lower my standards completely for every placement, so that I won't get as upset. And in 3rd place in Group 2A... [under my breat

h I say "Belleville"] PASSAIC VALLEY. Repeated for 2nd place, and we still didn't place. Wait, this means we just WON FIRST?! Yep. The fact that we won first doesn't compensate enough... for the facts that we won best visual [cg], best music, and a few others, and that our first competition score hit off at an 80.45! The other 2 bands were at 72 and 74. THAT IS UNHEARD OF! Waiting for the rest of the awards to be given I couldn't help but smile to myself, tightening my grip of my own hands. Awards over, we were marching back to where our band was sitting. They were cheering like crazy, as I was inside. This truly was a great night.

The way back home I finally got my make-up off and put on real clothes. I chatted with Ana and constantly dropped my phone. I talked to Bethany and she told me how much fun she had today. That is what I'm talkin bouuut! That is the feeling I wanted these rookies to feel from the beginning! Too bad they all quit. Thats honestly their loss! Back at the high school, we unloaded everything and got dismissed. I kinda of enjoy this part of the night too.. being tired as hell with 45 other people how share the same feeling. Like I said, this is what I live for; this is what I love so much. I'm a band nerd, if you will. A third party view lacking the dedication we have [without crossing the line over to geeky obsession] could never understand. Photo is of

Acceptance On The West Side.

It sucks that everything that I look forward to in a day or a week's time, being with you, is no stranger to let-downs and cancellations. I went the whole day tired, but looking forward to hanging out with him after school. We were going to have a movie night at DJ's to watch West Side Story. [I had never seen it.] I had already envisioned us on the couch just cuddling up, me feeling save in your arms. I hadn't been able to feel that for a long time, since the last time we were at DJ's house. I had already called my brother after school to pick up my equipment because we were going to head to his house. His sister was coming home today, Jon needed to be picked up, and Josh wanted him to come to downtown Newark with him. As hard as I fought for him to stay, for this day to work out, it wasn't happening. I was of course sad, but over the past year, I have learned to control my emotions [slightly]. I thought to myself, If we can't hang out today, we always have many other days ahead of us. It just just gets very frustrating to not be able to relax with the guy I love with all of my heart, especially at the end of a long, crazy week. As I have also come to accept, life keeps moving on. We will keep moving on. There may be sacrifices that need to be made and this is one of many. I can only hope for the next opportunity to be successful.

The movie was good for the most part. it inspired me to actually try out for the play, mostly for all the dancing I saw. As I watched, I realized that I've become much more emotionally effected by the conflicts because I can actually substitute us in their situations and see how much it would suck. Even though he wasn't here, there night was still fun. I pigged out on about 5 slices of pizza and a bread stick. YUM. Photo is of Emily and DJ as we waited outside.