You're Such A Girl

Via late notice, I found out that today is the last day of Jon's stay. I was a little heartbroken because we haven't even been able to hang out much during his stay. With a failed trip to the mall and a few let down suggestions, I ended up going to the Nutley Diner with him around 4PM. With only a hour to kill. I am very grateful to have that quick 45 minutes with him just to really say goodbye. I finally used my polaroid camera for the first time and he keeps the first picture. I tried to take one for my keeping, but I used a light picture setting and out faces and too bright to make out out features.

How is it that only about a half hour into the new year, I found myself lonely and depressed? I found myself literally crying as I laid in bed. I thought about how everyone was spending their New Year's with someone he cared about or just having genuine fun. Now, I'm not sure if it was the Sangria extracting my emotions, but they were definitely all over the place. I felt alone for the fact that my siblings were going out tonight. Then, when the ball finally dropped, I called each of my friends, who were with other friends or on their way to see someone, to welcome the new year. Jon was in NYC, Jae was going to see Teejay, Ana had people over. Me? My parents would never let me go to the city and spend the New Years away from home. Depressed in bed, the guy who has shown me new and greater forms of happiness this past year did not fail to cheer me up. He called up and we had a real, strong, directed conversation. He laughed at me for crying and being such a girl. Boy, he sure does mean the world to me. After our phone call had to end bitterly short, I faced something else. I got a text from Kim asking for dire help. I was more than happy to talk to her because I have not talked to her at all lately! I helped her with boy problems and it was really great to re-bond with one of my best friends. This New Years Eve has turned out a lot brighter that it had begun. I have everything to thank him for. Photo is of my sister after I helped get her read tonight. Also, my burnt hands from the straightener -_-.

We Went There To Stand In Line To Stand In Line and Go Home

I currently hate Mountain Creek. I currently hate Mountain Creek. I currently hate Mountain Creek. After today, I can't help but associate such disappointment with that place. Maybe it was partially our fault for leaving the house later than planned, but still! Our trip was basically a drive up there in order to stand in line for 3 whole hours! The line for snowboarding rentals was ridiculously long, yet our ambition to be on that hill was too strong to just leave the line behind. Half way through, we we informed that there were no more 10 or 11 ski shoe sizes--okay whatever, that doesn't affect us. 10 minutes later, we are informed that THERE ARE NO MORE ADULT SNOWBOARDS--I am so upset. 5 minutes later, another few sizes are announec to be out of stock. Even though we could not go snowboarding, we settled for skiing. I was still pretty upset. Then, a second later we hear that ALL ADULT SKIIS ARE SOLD OUT. At this point, I am just feel like WHAT THE FUUUUU. We ended up getting a refund, but even THAT had a line had to endure because getting to the actual refund meant walking to another section of the facility. Today has been a day wasted on disappointment, but hopefully I can fulfill my urge to go snowboarding some other time this winter. Anyways, on the way back, we stopped by the mall and got some Chipotle. Waiting in line for hours is very tiring, ya know! Then, we spent some time at the mall where my sister and I bought dresses for my parents' upcoming 25th Silver Anniversary! :D We're supposed to all be getting dressed up, lookin' pretty snazzy! Photo is of the drive up to the mountain: a time when I was once excited about today.

Ah-HOOO..! $20.75 Metrocard

Today revolves around a trip to New York that at first was a hesitated decision. This morning, I woke up to a text from Jon suggesting I go with Ana to the NYC Tumblr Meet up. From the first time reading those words over to the second and third, I knew that I wanted to go to the city, yes, but not for the meet up. I'm not deep into the Tumblr community like all the hype asians in the Tri-State area, so I know social was something I would not succeed in being today. More so, I just wanted to hang out with Ana and Jon. I lied my way out of the house and met up with Stephen and Ana at the Branch Brook Park Station. We made our way to NYC and took the appropriate trains to meet with everyone at Columbus Circle. It was great to see Jon in that crowd of hype beast asians and thats the only great thing about the meet up, in my opinion. I'm not part of that group, the friends I make are just all around different people. The group didn't do much and this made me realize that..the city is the most fun with a select number of people. After a while of just standing around in the snow and having mini snow fights, which I may have gotten too aggressive with [sorry Jon!], the group migrated into the shopping mall. Jon, Ana, and I broke off onto our own and when downstairs to Whole Foods. Experiencing the really cool food court, we bought food, sat down and ate. In my eyes, this is much preferred over walking with a heard and infesting the local Wendy's or McDonalds. We actually got to talk and laugh about things that probably would not be mentioned with the Tumblr group. For the rest of the day, we "dipped" , as Jon would say, and walked around NYC on our own. We found that we went in a circular route, ending up where we started. We hit the underground Applestore, FAO Shwarz, and a few other places. Around 5, we met back up with Stephen and got lost in Port Authority to get home. On the bus ride back, I sat with Jon and we just reminisced on Middle School and how much we hate it. Looking back now, it is really gross thinking about the people in my grade doing so many sexual things and guys sticking their dicks in places where the shouldn't be at the age of 12 or 13. It really was the better choice to take the bus instead of trains because we just relaxed ,in our comfy seats and in the dark. We got picked up by Lawrence and headed back to Ana's. We had to live up to the lie that Ana told her mom also and from there, we had an extended dinner. You know.. because "eating Cinnabon at Willowbrook Mall" isn't good enough. Photos are the cute little snowman I made, and the MySpace piczs I took in the amazing bathrooms. THE HAD TVS IN THE MIRRORS. TVS!

The Streets Were So Abandoned, Yet So Calm

And still, my backyard is snowed in. No one had enough energy or will to get off their butts to shovel the backyard or excavate the car. Without much option, my family just stayed at home and we enjoyed the day together, snowbound. We watched a few things on demand such as Adventure Time and movies that my brother got from his new subscription to Netflix via Xbox. My siblings and I had a small breakfast of pandesal and hot chocolate together. It was delicioso :) As the day went on, I couldn't help but eat my life away. I was eating everything in the kitchen as if my life depended on it! I took about 2 naps throughout the day to try to regulate my eating, but it didn't work. As soon as I was awake, I was craving food, some kind of snack, preferably. I was also having problems breathing today. I wouldn't be surprised if it had to do with my excessive eating either! The greatest part of my day would have to be tonight. My siblings and I escorted mama to work, as we rode the light rail with her and walked all through the snow with her. My goodness, it was so cold outside that even before we left, I knew the best choice was to wear two jackets. It definitely paid off. We left around 5Pm
in order to get her there by 7PM. As soon as we left the house, we notices how abandoned and quiet the streets were. Cars were still snowed in, so I am sure that many households kicked back today just as mine did. The winds were fairly cold, but we all dressed appropriately. Because we were early, cold, and a bit hungry, we stopped by a Subway located right across the hospital. My sister and I got some well-deserved hot chocolate from the store next door. We dropped her off at work, sharing last minute goodbyes and made our way back. For some reason , my siblings tried to walk faster on the way back and it had me really trying to breath! ugh. The entire way back, I stayed dry and acceptionally warm. But when we finally reached home, my siblings and I went through the wrong, unshoveled, side. I was too lazy to go around so my brother and I braved the 3.5 feet snows. If one was careful enough, he didn't get too covered in snow. BUT, if you go by the name Stefanellie and your brother pushes you back to fall in, THEN you are covered in snow! Photos are from tonight's little journey.

How Stupid She Was

What can you really say about a blizzard the day after Christmas? Though a day late, I am pretty stoked to be having one. I would have enjoyed this more if so much of the day hadn't been related to someone being stuck in the snow. I woke up this morning feeling a bit uncomfortable, but hey, it's not like I get good sleep these days anyway. Twelve noon was day two of church. I be honest. I stopped paying attention after a while because I created a bow from my coat strap. Yeah, my ADD is pretty bad. After church, I am usually home by 11:45AM, eating lunch. At that time today, I was in a disgustingly long line at Stop n Shop, talking to an old woman and waiting to pay for groceries. After about 30 minutes of waiting, we were done. Oh, but that does not necessarily mean i was home within the next 5 minutes. For the next 15 minutes, my mother and I, optionless, walked around to look for our car. By brother, who came with us into the store, left before us in order to find my father, sister, and the car. When my mother and I originally got out, we waiting in the front for about 10 minutes, hoping they would spot us and drive up, as usual. That failed, so we attacked with Plan B. Walking in the snowy parking lot wasn't too bad, but it only reminded me of bad times, when I felt like was going to die, walking home, in the snow. A few extra tries of walking in the snow failed and my mother and I stayed at the front entrance. Finally, my brother came rolling up. I was pissed off and that feeing grew when I found out he went home, dropped my father off at Blockbuster, and my sister off at home--without warning. Finally home, I was able to sit down and eat. Around 2PM, I came along for the ride to dropped off my sister with my brother. Even at 10 mph, we got her to work and got ourselves home safely. My sister's defiant decision to go to work does not pay off in the end. After a day of pigging out, and trying to shovel with my brother, we got a phone call from my sister informing us that she has begun walking. In a way, my heart dropped. I was brought back to that day where I once was walking in the cold, cold snow by myself. I knew how she was feeling although she said she was fine. I felt bad and really did hope she returns home safely tonight. For every time my mom tried to call her and ask of her whereabouts, my father continued to rant about how stupid she was for going to work and how stupid she was for trying to walk home. Honestly, there is a point where on should stop complaining about what a stupid decision his daughter made and begin to care about her safety coming home. I pissed my off that he was getting more annoyed at us constantly passing in front of the TV, obstructing his view of the TV. My brother ended up jogging half way to meet up with her and make sure she was okay. Every time I looked into my father's eyes, all I could see was this look of irritation.

Sometimes I wonder why you have never had a moment here where you were the one to ask me what is wrong- a moment to figure out what is wrong and try to find some kind of resolution, regardless of who's right or wrong. Photo is of my brother and I right after we spent a little while shoveling. [which was pointless!]

Merry Christmas, I Hope You Had A Beautiful Holiday

Hello and Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this! I really hope you had a great holiday! Mine started off alright, but it ended with an epiphany learned as I laid depressed in bed. The Christmas morning I experienced this year was very much bonding. When I woke up, I learned that there was coffee for each of us waiting in the kitchen. Once I got myself together and awake, I made my way into the kitchen where the rest of my family was. We talked about things. We discussed how grateful were were that my father was okay, asked about the actual accident, make little jokes about it to retain a lighter mood; I even saw my father shed a few tear, thankful to still be breathing. My mother confessed that she is very proud to see what great girls and guy her children have grown up to be. It was a fulfilling comment to hear. I joked, "Ahh, I have grown to be a very great boy. :) " Of course, my cheesiness would not be part of who I am, had it not been for both my parents. Anyways, we later opened up our gifts. My ma lead herself to believe that one of us purchased a Coach branded purse for her, when in fact, we did not. I was excited for her to open up my gifted Bearpaw boots, so her falsified excitement was a little hurtful to the heart. Just kidding, it wasn't that bad. We opened up my gifts and as bad as I wanted an SLR camera, I did rip through any layer of giftwrap which revealed the name Nikon. I was a little upset, but I shrugged it off and told myself to be grateful for what I did receive. My father gave me two skirts. They were both the wrong sizes, but it's the thought that counts! [One was a size 5, the other a 3. I am an 8] I got some descent jewelry from my Godmother. I unwrapped a coat which I actually picked out while shopping for my sister's gifted coat with my mom. There was no need to wrap it, but my mom insisted anyway. Like my other siblings, I received a pair of slippers. They were nice. After church, I took a drive with my brother to exchange gifts with Kim Ho. I haven't talked to her at all lately, and that is my fault. I gave her a preset-frame disposable 36mm camera from UO, an H&M blouse, and a bracelet. In return, I received a $25 general gift card. I was a little heart broken. This is a gift from one of my best friends and it's as if she didn't know me anymore, for she wrote in the card that she did not know what to get me. If that is the case, I would not blame her. I haven't been around in her life consistently enough to maintain that best friend position. As another day of eating progressed, I also digressed into a state of depression. He didn't respond to my text for whatever reason I was not aware of at the time. I eventually isolated myself into the room, with my music and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. At first, I began to only think. I thought about the gifts I received today, past mistakes I have made in my friendships, and relationships. And Dear God, I am a disgusting, terrible, territorial friend. Upon reading that, of course, the greatest and worst comforters will tell me I'm being stupid to even think that. First example that clicked was Kim Ho. The second was Ana Villaruel. Although I have gotten her a gift for the past few years, I have not received one from her in the past two years. Last year, I said it didn't matter because I was in the joy of giving. It was true. That morale still applied this year, but this strike of lonliness just made it hurt. She really liked my gift, but when I first told her I got her something, I received an apology that she didn't get me anything. I'm not sure what it was, but she got Jaelynn something. I'm not looking for reasoning behind these events, but tonight they all connected in a way that made me understand what a bad person I am. I can never forget was a shitty friend I have been to her in the past year. I probably still carry traces of those bad times today and repeat them. Case three is Jaelynn Vizzi. I love this girl to death and understand her money problems. I had no problem with which ever last-minute gift i received, but to open up a pack of Ferrero Roche chocolates induce the feeling that I have been very distance from the people I care about the most for them to even remember what kind of gift I would like. Jaelynn, actually, has been a very good friend, even though we did not spin together this past season. Case four is Jon Cana. God, I didn't even get him a gift. I am so angry at myself each time I remember that I gave him nothing. He said it was okay, but in my personal fulfillment, I should have given him something anyway to show my gratitude of his friendship after all these years. In fact, not doing so probably pushes the away even more! Case five is Jacob Reyes. I fail to keep him happy on a daily basis. I have taken him for granted various times. I have whined about every insecurity to him. I have made his life much more difficult. Sure, I saved him from bad times when we first go together, But after a while, I have only begun to destroy it. I have broken up his relationship with his family. I have ruined his religious chance in him congregation. Not even my boyfriend knows who I am and it has been so difficult to give him that because I am also lost. I really don't deserve any of you. Tonight, I fell asleep reading that book. It was comforting to read again; I fell asleep with my contacts on but I didn't care. I wanted to vent this all out to Jacob Reyes, so I BBM him, " Would you be happier without me around?" I fell asleep without a response. I woke up again for a moment, in sleep paralysis. I could not move my limbs; I was conscious of my way into dreaming. I began to hear the beeping of a heart rate monitor, as if I was in a hospital. This faint sound scared me and I found my way back into some kind of consciousness where I could move my limbs. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I woke up again at 5AM to his long-awaited replies from midnight. They were comforting and I tried to reply back all at once, but I fell asleep again. This Christmas was just not out of a book of idealism. Photo is of

Humbly In Pain

This day has been quite a long one. It was the first day I had free from school and it was the first my father had going back to work. Unfortunately, between the both us us, one could not fulfill their day. My father never mad it to work because got into a car accident. At an intersection in Newark, my father was on his way to work. When the traffic light gave him the green to go, he went on and at 35mph, he rand into a drunk driver who ran a red light on the right side. As this was all going on, I was fast asleep, slightly gaining some kind of consciousness, but not enough. Inly found out about this when I woke up around 8:30 and he was already coming home from the hospital. I am very grateful that my father didn't break anything and I can only pray for his quick recovery. It sucks not having a car, and it occurring right after you brother's accident. It had been hectic for us. There is a good chance that the van is totaled; they had to cut parts off the car because my dad couldn't move due too all of the pain he was enduring. Back pains on top of existing back pains could not not be good. Anyways, after hearing him talk again and again, repeating the same story to all who asked led up to Marc's asking why we did not sue. My father said he saw a woman with a baby and god forbid, that is the mans . The man will already be going to jail for DUI. My father has no intensions of sewing. My sister's birthday was also today. We had a little winter dinner at home, which was nice am. I also came along with the couple to a holiday party . I will admit, it was interesting to listen too. Theey curse a lot more thatI had ever expected, but the amount of pets he has and has had is remarkable and amusing. Photo is from the boxed i wrapped today

Makes You Believe

I might as well admit that yes, I am having trouble breathing lately. My parents are right for the fact that I should be taking my asthma and medications more seriously. After a fun half-day, I find myself coughing and feeling sick. Today was a very good day.. we finally got to hang out with Jon, and Christmas Break is finally here! The half day went by pretty smoothly. First period, I was in a bit of a depression. At one point, I hid away in the middle room even though others were calling my name. Then, things began to brighten up and the day went by. Second period, we had a breakfast in Zoology. I was so grateful for the coffee because I really needed it. In pre-cal and for the rest of the day, I had to finish a bracelet gift for our Secret Santa event after school. When school finally let out, we all met in the band room and were about to go to Wendy's. Unfortunately, Jacob couldn't go because he had so much to carry. I wanted to do anything I could to safe this last while with him before break. It wasn't guaranteed that I would see him during it, but I do plan on it. After much stubbornness, my plan to walk him home and help him carry his things failed. He pushed me to just leave with them and so I did. We arrived later at a packed Wendy's which was where we would later meet with Jon again. Ah, it is nice to have a best friend still around in your life even though there is a large distance separating you. It makes you believe anything is possible, really. If a friendship can stay genuine just as it was three years ago, you know there is something good there. It was so great talking to him again; instantly, I was laughing my ass off at his comments or stories. I really wished Jacob was there. I really want him to meet Jon for real this time. He had a bad impression from last time, but I'm sure Jacob would love Jon. Anyways, back at Ana's house, we did the Secret Stanta gift exchange and it was pretty cute. The first I got were very cute while Emily was happy with her gift (phew!) For the rest of the afternoon we just chilled, laughed, and had an all-around chill time. Photo is of Jon playing Dance Central for the first time haha.

ONE MORE DAY!

Today we had band room clean up after school, which got stressful on just a few levels. A few sections nor the drum majors felt like putting in an extra helping hand. Instead, they just sat in the chorus room playing Yu-Gi-Oh. If you are done with your job and don't want to be of extra help, leave. Your staying here is only a distraction from cleaning. Luckily, the colorguard started early and was done about half way through the entire cleanup. Flutes left a long time ago, and then colorguard. My girls and took care of our responsibility, having fun all the while. Today was the last full day of school, which leaves every bit of excitement for tomorrow's half day. I had a few things to do for tomorrow, but I was so lazy that I ended up sleeping late and failing to reach any type of progress. Photo is of the pretty, clean guard closet! :D

1830

Tonight's concert was a huuuggee success, minus the chorus. :D The last song we played, which was the most difficult of them all, sounded so good! I messed up a few times, but it wasn't anything drastic! Tonight has been a really good night for our heart as well. We hung together all throughout the concert, wandering off on our own a few times just to share a few kisses :) We've been having so many problems lately, but tonight was one of those nights that prove a point. I am in love with you for a reason that doesn't necessarily have words that can describe it. We have something special and this can't go to waste; all the efforts and hard times are truly worth it. The earlier portion of my day involved receiving my PSAT scores. At firs,t I had no clue of how to read the paper, but apparently I did very well! I scored an 1830/2400 :D woot. Photo is of the awkward fake baby LOL.

Lunar Eclipse

Not too long ago, I was standing outside with my siblings, observing the lunar eclipse. As soon as our eyes spotted the moon, we were in awe. The stars around it also did not fail to shine the brightest I have ever seen them! My neck hurt after a while of standing in the backyard, looking up. At the hours of 1AM, we were the only ones outside, talking aloud. It was pretty cool to be talking to each other while the rest of the world slept because our voices echoed out. Apparently, lunar eclipses only happen once every four years and I'm pretty happy I got to take this opportunity. Neither my sister nor I could see the moon for our windows, so we agreed to go outside. Long behold, we had the perfect, open view of the sky. It really pays off to take on opportunities like this.

This morning started of iffy. When you wake up and your phone is dead, you know the day's going to be incomplete. Since last night, I have had no idea where my charger was [I would later find out my father took it]. I went to school, hoping the love brought his charger, but as it turns out, he didn't show up at the first bell. I remember waiting for the second bell- still no sign. Every time I looked back at the band room doors open, it revealed the face of any but the one I was looking for. I asked Jae if I could text him from her phone, asking where he was. For the several times I asked her if there was a reply, I got a "no". I assumed you were sleeping or were busy. We had full band periods 1-3 and god, I felt empty without you. Just like the first day you were every absent, I can't bare to get through the day alone. I was so early to lunch..it was very weird. The emptiness I felt today was a little more than the usual. If it wasn't for the fact that we are having some pretty bad arguments lately that don't seem to be letting off any time soon...If it wasn't for the fact that an old heartbreak haunted me today, this day wouldn't have been as bad. Unable to contact you, I went without a phone all day and unaware of how you were. After school, I had play practice. I took out my iPod, trying to get signal for my free texting app, but I had trouble connecting to the band room wifi. Before I could try again, rehearsal began. I might as well have waited until I got home where I can charge my phone and BBM you for the first time today. I think only God can under stand how eager I was to charge my phone and greet you for the first time today. My mistake. Bad vibes radiated from your texts for the entire conversation. I hate this feeling of always having done something wrong in your eyes. All I wanted to do was greet you and talk to you. Instead, I received simple, idgaf texts. The feeling ain't too great so I just told you to message me when you were free. I will always hate doing that, but I hate the feelings attributed with your bitter responses, so why not let you have a good time, right? The fact that you didn't message me back until around 8:30PM proved that to me. It alway reinforced my amazement in the fact that you can literally go days without talking to me and be completely okay with it. I will never understand.. Photo is of a flyer I had to make for Aberrations.

Broken Front Passenger Window

It is never a please to wake up with your hood on, after sleeping a certain way. Every time I sleep with my hood on, I wake up with some neck pain. It was a little surprising that when we haft for church, Marc wasn't with us. After coming back from the military, one would've assumed that he has improved as a person, being more responsible. We went out last night and didn't come back yet. How typical of the old March that never changed! After church, we went to Bing Duong where my mom, for some crazy reason, bought about 7 dishes. We couldn't even keep everything on the table! Every time a new dish came out, we has to make room for it. We fattened up, without a doubt! Anyways, later on today, we found out that my brothers window had been shattered and his date's purse was stolen. Sucks for her. Photo is of the shattered glass.

Good Feelings? Haha

Well, it looks as if the "good feelings" I had for tonight were completely a lie. The day ends with a huge argument, but let's not get too far on that yet. This morning, I woke up very early and dressed up. At first, we were going to try to get the Christmas tree out of storage, but our time was short. Instead, we skipped the small pit stop and went straight to the mall. I really want to get that tree up too! My sister, her boyfriend, ma, and I eventually arrived at GSP. Due to the craze of parking, we parked on the roof of the garage. When we got inside, I broke off from our group in order to get my shopping done. I got the majority of my gift shopping done today, after two trips to the mall. I'm content :) Tonight, I aspired to have a nice convo with my boyfriend on the phone. What it turned into was tears and arguing. No one is perfect; I will continue to work into being someone who you can Love more freely. Photo is from today. I bought Ma boots today!

My Miniature Bidding War

In my eyes, this Friday has gone well. Even though last night didn't end so well and this morning didn't start off on the right foot, the day did progress into something better and enjoyable. After a morning of last millisecond studying and finishing due homework, the day finally got easier. We had a party for Mr. Doldi's birthday, so that period was chill and relaxing for the most part. All day, I have been checking up on my miniature bidding war on eBay for a vintage Polaroid camera, which I REALLY want! After school, Jacob came over and we watched a movie. I felt really nice to sit in his arms and enjoy a poorly made, "thrilling", scary movie. The warmth in the nook of your neck was very nostalgic. It didn't bring me back too far in time, but it definitely reminded me of why I love you so much and all the reason to fight for this relationship no matter what. Later this evening, after dropping him off at home, we had the holiday party for marching band. It was actually one of the funnest Christmas parties out of the past 4 years. Having the party in the band room made everything seem a lot more "homier" because that is where we always are, not in the cafeteria. Tonight, on the other hand was interesting. I got jealous again, and reasons for such feelings broke up into tiny discussions of their own. I'm grateful that no serious arguments really began and we kept it civil. Call us crazy, but we like to talk about our future kids. When we think about names that would fit and how we would even live, it gives me hope and reassurance that we are the "real deal" and want the same things. I know we can get there. Photo is from AP Chem! :D Partayy, partayy.

If You Were Gone

The trick to killing yourself slowly is depriving your body of so many hours of sleep. I love how I can lead as this example, falling asleep as I write this. I'm far too tired to do my Pre-Cal homework, so I have reverted to copying off of Gaby tomorrow morning. Team work, yeah! Tonight, I brought Ana along with me to the mall. We have a Marching Band Holiday Party tomorrow, along with a Secret Santa. Neither I nor Ana had our gifts prepared, so we went to the mall to fix that. It was overall, a fun night, but it sucked that I had to cut my conversation short with the love. I knew that if I walked around talking to Ana, it would easily result in late replies and then an even larger argument. It's not fair to him and only asking for trouble between us. Today, we had a Creative Writing Club Meeting and I presented a written sonnet. I actually put effort into it-weird.

If You Were Gone

How am I supposed to wake up tomorrow;
And convince myself that you are gone?
Every second would thrive in sorrow;

Every second would feel like a year.

If you were buried 6 ft. under,

My heart woiuld carry such weight.

For every argument, I would wonder

How many "sorry"s I was too late.

I'm glad you're still alive and well;

I hope you see me go to drop.

I'm sorry for giving you unnecessary Hell;

I love you, my one and only mom.

Photo is of the parents.

You Were Outta My Leaaagggguuee

The holidays have lost their significant urgency in my life, as I am sure it has with many others. My family doesn't even have the tree up and I still have to go Christmas shopping for a bunch of people. On top of that, I don't know what to get them! Today I redeemed myself in AP Chemistry, the last percent of hope I thought would go to waste actually boosted up into something more. I got through today's test, probably with the wrong answers, but with a drive to actually succeed. I haven't had that for a while. After a day that seemed to drag on, I had play practice. Man, oh man, that was a very boring hour or two. A lot of people were not able to make it to practice today and I was stuck with a bunch of underclassmen for a while. Singing gets a little annoying after a while because I can't even find a comfortable range to sing in. When the music is high pitched, I try to follow it, but that's not the directions. I have been eating a lot lately. Boo. Photo is of the clothing drop-off box.

Trade A Fraction of Your Happiness For Their's

The thought, as well as the actual statement, when my mother confessed to winning the lottery today is still so surreal. She has peen playing the lottery for as long as I can remember and if it serves me right, winning was not something common for her. If she did win, the prize was a meager amount. I didn't think it was possible, but she hit the single jackpot of 82k. When I found out, I couldn't feel anything else other than thanks to God and happiness for my ma. Not too many great things have happened in my ma's life recently. It has been very difficult for her because she basically supports two families. My aunt in the Philippines is unemployed and with the passing of their parents within a 9 year span, a lot of money had been put into those needs. It is difficult for her enough let alone the fact that she still has this family to account for. We are without a doubt spoiled, not just my siblings and I, and love spending money. Anyways, the idea of her hitting the jackpot really had me excited for her. She, of all people, deserved it. Debt was only getting worse because my sister's tuition fees were piling up. I was told that when she found out, she almost cried and remained in disbelief. I asked my ma what we were going to use the money for, but she said she already had plans for it. She reserves it for Rutgers and for whichever college I plan on attending when I graduate. I was shocked to hear this, but I didn't complain too much. Thank you, Lord :)

Anyway, let us move backwards for a little description of this Tuesday. This Tuesday made me hate school. I have been doing so incredibly poor in AP Chemistry and my lack of care for it had not brought any progress. We were taking a test to day and I was actually feeling good because I was actually doing work. I thought I knew what I was doing, but that feeling easily susbsided when we got the answer key back. I did incredibly bad and could only hope for 20 points and a 50 on the test. My teachers don't like me as much as they used to and you know what, ef youuu. Photo is of the new bari uke Jacob got today! :D So many others seem to be having a good day :)

Great Day For An Afternoon Visit

Today was a very good day. Despite having to make up a Central this morning, everythign else had been great. Jacob came over after school, taking on the opportunity to get along better with my family. He already clicks with my brother; they have decent conversations about video games or other things. My mother loves him; my sister is chill. My father is the greatest obstacle for the fact that doesn't exactly like to smile when we have a guest around. I know my father to be very jocular and corny, but when Jacob comes over, he keeps a type of sternness around. They'll get along, I just know it. Phot is from today. Tumblr loving :)

Weighed Down By The Delayed Sadness

I was a little confused this morning as to why our dilemma wasn't bothering me as much as it typically would. Worry only crossed my mind so many times, as I got ready for church. I didn't get it. Then, I pieced together the facts that we have a problem that I wasn't fully informed on. When I was informed yesterday of it, you left the conversation right after. When you returned, we barely discussed it before you grew tired and headed in for the night. Basically, I never had enough time for it to register in my mind; it finally did while we were at church though. Throughout the mass, I was eager and nervous to BBm you when I got home. I wanted to know how you morning went. Apparently, you were to meet privately with the Elders of your congregations to determine whether or not privileges should be removed. I remember kneeling, with my hand folded neatly as I allowed the bread to dissolve in my mouth. My cheek suddenly pressed into my intertwined fingers, weighed down by the delayed sadness. Mass was almost over and I wasn't to sure I wanted to go home and talk to you anymore. I was afraid to come hope to a BBM reading that we have to break up. We got home, had lunch, and I finally BBMed you. You were happy and things apparently went smoothly? I wanted to ask more about it, but you said you didn't want to talk about it. I still am very eager to know, but for argument's sake, I held back.

The greatest highlight of my day has to be my driving, for the first time ever, from Montclair back to Belleville. After my father and I dropped off my sister at work, I asked him if I could drive home. I was only about 66% serious, expecting him to say no. My god, he said yes! I was a little nervous, but the experience itself was not as bad as I expected. My dad commented on how tense I was and how I was tapping the gas/brake pedals too hard. He was giving me advice as I drove and hey, I made it home! I can't help but feel excited for the next opportunity to drive again! :) Photo is of two out of four packets I must read for tomorrow. Boo -_-

When You Aren't Losing Everything

Today was a very long day to say the least. I woke up around 7AM because I went to the DMV with my parents to receive my driver's permit. We left the house at around 8:15AM and I was pretty confident to say I should be out by 9:30AM or so. Reality added another hour onto that estimate and I began to hate the waiting game more than ever. The problem wasn't so much about a lot of people being there; it was more so the fact that a subtle amount of people was there, but the workers were moving at their own pace like time doesn't mean a thing. I spent the majority of my time waiting and waiting and waiting. My continuous excitement was dumbed down and overpowered by the unwelcoming atmosphere of the DMV. The receptionist answered questions like the person asking is an idiot; strict policies were understood. After 3 hours of waiting, I was able to walk out with my permit :D I didn't show to well, but I was excited. My road test has been scheduled for June 14, 2011 and I couldn't be more eager to drive. When I got home, Papa let me park the car by myself. I felt accomplished :D Before Roland's party, two things happened: 1. A note was found 2. I cleaned up. Point 1 has more to offer, though. I wasn't able to learn about the situation until after Roland's and boy, has this been a difficult night. I don't want to lose you; your papa found the note I wrote you a few days ago, during times of trouble. in our relationship. I seems as if, this moment in time could've used its own note as well. I keep saying we can get through this together, but you are right. "It's easy to say when you aren't losing everything." I confessed that I feel that although you are the best thing to have happened in my life. Photo is of Roland's card.

Mi Hermano Is Hooome

I don't think there is any better of a way to spend a Friday morning, the end of the week, than waking up late for school.. and being dedicated enough to still go. I would have loved to skip school, but I just hate the idea of missing work, having to make it up, and feeling behind. It was a little irritating to wake up and not exactly have a ride. I tried to make a few calls but either the person didn't pick up or the couldn't drive me. I initially grew upset because my sister wasn't home; she is the one who usually wakes me up in the morning. I couldn't blame it on her, though. Vaguely go I remember her waking me up around 6:59AM. I brushed it off and fell back asleep, only to wake up at 7:50AM. I ended up calling a cab and while I waited, my mom came home. It bugged me because I could've taken her cab to the high school, but she didn't pick up her phone. When the taxi finally came, I also saw my sister pulling up in her boyfriend's car. I gave her this dirty "I'm not having a good day" kind of look because she could've taken me, too! On the ride to the high school, the taxi driver made small talk with me. I wasn't really looking forward to any talking, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. He asked me about school and why I was late and whatnot. We shared stories about high school days, mine from the present and his of the past. It wasn't creepy at at, for those of you who may assume so. Soo.. I got a central and went off to 1st period. I had to get right down to studying for a few quizzes and tests I had today.After school, I hung out with the lover, marching our way through the cold day. It always m

akes my day, being able to spend my afternoons with him, no matter what we do. We chilled at his house, where I devoured his cereal :D Any

ways, Later this evening, my family

and I drove to the airport to pick up my brother. As I said before, it makes me happy to finally have him a round again. He will be gone again in about a month, but until then, I have my brother. It was a little weird when he first got in the car. He was very soft spoken and I could barely hear him. As it turns out, he was simply tired and hungry. He had been at the Oklahoma City Airport since 8AM this morning, traveling all day. Photo is of our little cereal date and of my bro. :D

Struck

I was able to notice, by the way our conversation played out, that something, some realization, struck you. It is something we have already discussed and planned, but never really acted upon. Bleh, I would really like to spend the majority of my Friday afternoon with you tomorrow, but I will get what I can. I am grateful for any type of time that I can spend with you, in any shape or form. Today was a little hectic, but bearable. After spending the rest of yesterday afternoon and not bother to wake up for homework, I had to deal with everything today. I can honestly say that all the sleep was worth it. My body was in much need for such rest and I'm glad I took it. The only downside was that I took it on the wrong day. I have enough homework to deal with; it wasn't the kind one could really shrug off. Luckily, I got most of my work done. I had to bring my laptop because of stupid AP Chem. By some miracle, I found all of the problems quickly on Yahoo! Answers and was done before the first bell. Among other homework, the only prominent feeling that I had was the urge to be done with school already. Nothing too great happened after school. Oh, what an exciting life we live. Photo is of the hand I drew for Ana's Art class, which I take vicariously through her :D

Sleeping Beauty K.O.

I can't tell you how great my afternoon was or how sucky it was because I basically went to sleep after I ate...excessively. Okay, I guess there is more to the day than than. When I got home from school, it was like an eating fest. I am beginning to hate Nutella because we have grown this magnetic bond to eachother, where as I have to pick up that jar when I get home. Eh, scratch that. I have a magnetic force that binds my to the metal fork which I use for my Jar of Nutella. When you are directly attracted to something that you can't get enough of, you just know things will not turn out your way! Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk to him much today, but I'm glad I gave him the fair warning that I was going t nap after I ate. Even though I didn't exactly wake up to talk to him again, I still told him! Photo is a filler. My apologies; I can't take pictures in my sleep. :'D But hey, I actually did do this yesterday. Twix definitely hates me know.

Not Your Boyfriend, Like A Stranger

I didn't know today would bring tears, but I also didn't expect everything to make-up as fast as it did. Lose-Win situation? I think so. As of earlier in the day, we were recovering from yesterday's fiasco. I was glad to be starting off the morning well, eating my bag of Cheerios in first period like a fat ass. Things were good between us as it was all throughout the day. Chemistry has been suuuuuuuuucking lately. I come to the class so happy and within the first 5 minutes I've given up. Aside from that, the day was good. We had a Tri-M meeting after school; there is never anything special about those. As we wind down to the after hours, I didn't expect this day to go bad at all! As the saying goes, don't take that for granted. On the way to Wendy's, we jokingly argued. Each of our opinions were strong, and we did our best to win over the other. Within seconds, smiles turned into frowns and the most genuine looks at the others' eyes weren't even looks. I will never be perfect. It will suck every time, but I know that these experiences will help me in the long-run. You told me to breathe and forget about it. I did. Then, we fell into another pit. I was upset and just wanted to get down into the core of this problem. My methods are not exactly fitting, which leads to my attitude shining through. I wasn't surprised when you told me I was giving you an attitude. There have so many times at home when I was called out for it, that to have you pick it out just confirmed it. It confirmed that I really do have a problem with an attitude and something needs to change. You didn't talk to me until I responded like a human being-not like your parent. The idea of me not mentioning certain things that have had opportunities to be said bothers you extremely. It hurt to know that you were hurting badly, holding back tears of your own. You confessed,"Sometimes I don't feel like.. your boyfriend. I feel like a stranger." I cherish the fact that I have you in my life a lot more than other things that have been around for longer. In such a short period of time, you have taught me so much and helped me become a better person. We finally got to talk it out, even starting to fill in a few moments with chuckles and smiles. This reassured me that although we were in the midst of a problem, we were going to be okay. And we did; we got better. After talking it out, our day ended short. You walked me to the bus stop and with your magical powers, the bus actually arrived right when we did. On top of getting over the arguments, I had a social 1up on the ride home. A girl recognized me from school and asked to confirm it. From there., we continued to have conversation and I was not nervous at all. Go team. I'm still being lazy. bleh. Photo is of a photo of my cousins; I was making a point: we don't look related..at all.

AutoPilot Day

And here I sit in front of the computer, eager to shut my eyes. I would like to make up for the lack of hours from last night. Working of the shield all day left me in a daze where I don't care anymore. Anyways, today in school was a materialization of the unsettled feeling from this past weekend. I wrote a spontaneous not to you period 11 A note had actually been on my mind for a while, but I never had the time to do it. I apologized for my behavior and the excessive amounts of awkwardness. After school was no better. I tried to be cheery at first, but all you wanted to do was go home. I teared up; I wanted to work things out, but you just wanted to go home. I did nothing but go with the flow. I insisted on walking him back home and the fact that I had to really pee brought me upstairs. I tried to stay cool and collected, which I accomplished. I initially stopped by to only pee and continue on my way. But, that the lord, you stopped me from leaving and we finally talked it out. Morears brought better unstenadingd. Photo is from tonights dinneerr. Massive King Crab ftw.

Large Coffee Up Late

I have pulled another all nighter. I started this stupid project at midnight because I really didn't care. Tomorrow I will be in no place to complain about how tired I am because it technically is my fault. Even though I started late, I could've potentially finished in a few hours. As lazy as I am, I took the whole night. Bleh. Today ends an interesting weekend. You continue to say that you had an amazing weekend and I am jealous of you. My amazing weekends consist of BBMing you all weekend, but that didn't even happen. After church, I went to the mall with my parents. I thought we were going to be there for a short time, but we stayed until 6PM. I didn't argue it because I love the mall. It is my escape from anything and everything. I started to grow tired on the way home, but with a large coffee, I pulled through the night. Photo is of the pretty colors of apples at Stop n Shop :D

I Will Not Hide The Details

Today has been much more difficult than I still consider it to have been. I went the entire day telling others, along with myself, that today was just one of those days that could have been better, at the most. It first began with a slightly disappointing morning. The day digressed from anything good; it turned down a path that has led me back to bulemic ways. It is a very disappointing experience within myself. I guess we should back-track. This morning, I woke up around 10:30 AM, looking forward to possibly getting my permit. As it turned out, we could not get it because the Wayne DMV was incredibly busy, as always. This wasn't much of a surprise; I was aware that the DMV was closing earlier today. That wasn't the worst part of the event. The worst part of this morning would have to be the tiny panic I had and the search for my wallet. Stories have previously haunted me about persons losing their wallet or important paper work right before they go for their permit. I couldn't believe I was about to be another story. For a decent while, I didn't let my mom know. If she did, the only things that would escape her unfortified lips would be of what I should've ,could've, and didn't do or how irresponsible I was. She would not help me find my wallet. Eventually, I had to tell her [she noticed me hastily looking for something and the typical answer "nothing" would not cut it.] She lived up to my expectations. Her voice immediately raised as did mine. Every time I spoke was not in mindless anger; instead, all I said was how she should listen to her self and how unhelpful she was to be saying the things she was. I eventually found it. We went to the DMV and had the slight disappointment. I easily got over that story. I didn't have much of a breakfast before we left, so when we came home, I had a nice meal of squid and rice. Actually, I lied. I had a bowl of Cheerios in the car. For much of the afternoon, I felt tired, but did not sleep. I tried to clean. I tried to do homework. I tried to relax. The only thing I truly accomplished today was eating my life away. I mindlessly ate anything and large amount of it. For about 78% of the day, I found my self chewing. I had cereal, crackers, bread, Nutella [I finished the jar], squid, suman, more Cheerios, Nerds candy, coffee, etc.I really wanted to nap before heading to the high school, but for some reason I did not. I began to watch movies on my USB. I was pretty happy because I finally found time to enjoy myself. There was an invitation to DJ's house which I had to turn down, but at the same time favored. I wasn't in the mood to interact with others. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to retreat into my happy place. Usually, my happy place is with my boyfriend, but even in that case, I was alone today. It didn't bother me too much that he wasn't replying to my texts. With bad eating habits taking over, I was sad kind of indifferent. Usually, I bitch and moan about him not replying, but I just took it in. I really wish he did reply more, though. That case hit the fan. After the high school parade, I got called out on for not giving a proper goodbye.
Him: We were talking brb babe games with the guys.
Me: Ok
Him: Don't do that to me
Me: ?
Him: I tried to talk to you before
Me: Do what hun?
Him: Just write ok When I'm leaving for a while
Me: You kinda keep leaving so I'm just saying ok
Him: Its not my fault
I wasn't trying to blame him for anything. There were just so many events in the day where he had to go; this time was not any different. I considered asking him to just text me when he was free, but I didn't mind too much. I didn't know he was leaving for a long? while. I was hurt and caught off guard, but that happens so often in my life that I am used to the surprise of my own wrong. When I got home, it kind of killed the mood. I was eve more mindless that I had been the entire day. I ate more. I stared more. I finished watching Scott Pilgrim vs the World and Youth and Revolt; I honestly laughed out loud many times! For those two movies, I was in moments of satisfaction. Aside from the fact that I ate a huge bowl of popcorn and finished a jar of Nutella, I didn't feel too bad.. during the movie of course. As I later watched on Demand MTV shows, I stared at the TV, sometimes not paying attention to what was on. I looked into the mirror today watching my gut expand, watching my neck/chin grow thicker. It bothered me. I couldn't help but eat and eat. I was binging I felt like shit with a whole jar of Nutella in my stomach, along with other baddies in my digestive tract. Finally, I began to grow tired while watching TV. I went to brush my teeth. The gross feeling in my stomach made me want to puke it out and so I did. With the end of my toothbrush, I tested my gag-reflexes. They were working just fine. The nasty taste coming up from my throat honestly felt good. I was getting the shit out of my system. Bulemia is a nasty, nasty disorder, but I won't say that I am or every truly truly was. Every time I have done so was for reasons like this, decisions made on my own. My self-respect and confidence fluctuates, as one can tell from reading this. When a day is just not working out for you, what can you do? Photo is of the DMV

Hurry, Run, Bernardo!

Oh, lovely half days. After school, DJ, Emily, Jacob, and I went out to eat at Burger King. I wonder why Ana didn't come D: Being busy with the play will definitely cut out a lot of time would could be hanging out, so I really need to step it up and make plans. Anyways, we walked to Nutley for some lunch before the first play practice. It is always nice to walk with a group of people and just talk about anything, which is what we did on the way. Walking through the hidden shortcut, I had the privilege of holding your hand in the cold weather. I felt very nice to have something warm to intertwine fingers with. When we arrived at Burger King, there was seating conflicts and he and I sat at our own table, on our own mini-date. We talked about the "problem of the week" and whatever else came to mind. At first, we had only planned to hang out with each other, but as the day played out, we were with a little group. On the way back to the high school, Ali caught up with us. It was the finniest walk back, as Emily was running ahead of us for a majority of the time. New the high school, she ran so far ahead that we decided to run in the opposite direction. She was alone and that is what the photo is of. Today's first rehearsal was pretty interesting. It was the first time I was ever singing with a group of people out loud and with effort. Tomorrow I might be getting my permit!

Cupcakes Ready To Go, Francisca!

The cupcakes have been iced and jimmied, Capt'n! there's a color guard bake-sale tomorrow and I believe I put in some hard, dedicated work into these! This is the first time I have made cupcakes for a bake sale because I had already perfected my brownie-baking skills. These cupcakes look pretty good, if I do say so myself. Uhh.. hold on, I'm gonna take a shower.

So only I would know that I did not come back to this computer for a few hours. I am brushing my teeth now with these cupcakes ready to go, with one specially reserved one :) Anyways, time to rant about today. It was.. much more satisfying than I thought it would be. As selfish as I have been, the thought of you joining track and having less free time for us made me sad. It was such a selfish feeling, I know, considering how it is what I put you through during band season and you don't hold me back. I have no right to hold you back and I should have all the more reason to feel proud that you're joining something. Also, I have made the play, which takes up time on my side as well. After creative writing, you went out to run with the track team; I will admit that I was a little sad, but I know I am better than that. I had marching band practice as well. Through practice we went, preparing for the Santa Parade on Saturday. Afterwards, I waited around with a few friends, checking the cast list downstairs and then chilling upstairs. I waited purposely for you; I was going to walk you home or we would walk somewhere together. That little time input was something I knew to cherish. As our seasons get a little busier, these little

moments may be what keeps us together, who knows. The guys track team came back, but I didn't see you. Adrian said you were far behind and I immediately felt worried and sad. About 10 minutes later, you appeared from down the hall, with a two others. I had the biggest smile on my face. You were okay and as it turns out, one other person had a cramp so you stuck around. Finally when your practice was done, we gathered our things and went back into band room to retrieve your jacket. I told you how happy was for you on your first day and you congratulated me for making the play cast. We both had our accomplishments, and in a sense, this feeling gave me hope. Even though were were away from each other for so long, we still found the good in today. I think this can work out. Photo is of the cupcakes!

Spontaneous Auditioning

I have got to admit...this has been an extensive, random Hump Day. The afternoon began with my never leaving Mrs. McLean's room. There has been this little determination to be on her good side, but considering the previous events, I was slightly on the edge of that. I tried to pass it off as something I didn't care about and that was true for the most part. I finished the test after school, of course being the last one to finish. Naturally, I work very so slow and poorly. I skimmed through the test and din't worry looking back without hesitation. Afterwards, I went to my locker with Jacob, where we go our stuff to go. We had to be at the MS by 7PM tonight. Unpon almost leaving, I saw DJ and Ali working on the scripts and lines for today's auditions. Guess what. I tried out -spontaneously- and actually did pretty okay. I learned the dance in th 20 minutes and I did my own. Singing wise was a little annoying? I was already having trouble with the it was in. Bleh. Dance audition's was bad, but better. The ushering progam at the middle school faired. It was caanceled for all three o wjem t.