Fake Smile, Clenched Jaws, And A Happy Anniversary

I never knew we could get this far; I never expected to be saying "Happy Anniversary!" to any guy in my high school years.. Today is our very first anniversary.. the first of many more to come.

When I walked into school this morning, I went to my locker, first thing. That is where the first smiled ripped across my face. [I think that's a little too harsh of word choice, don't you think?]Upon opening it, I got a hug from behind from the one and only. I was shocked to feel his arms wrap from behind, in the fair public eye, something we worry about all the time! Today was too special to care about any of that. He actually hugged me so tight that he squeezed the hair clip on my shirt collar against my skin - that kinda hurt. @_@ Regardless, this day was starting off good. Every now and then, we joked about not believing its been a year, but at other times, we sincerely greeted the other with out hearts out in the open. There were a few points throughout the day where I looked out the window and I looked at the day. I was surprised to see that on a rainy day, we were having an amazing day. I thought it was too good to be true, so I held my tongue.

I hate that I proved myself correct. The day went downhill as soon as school ended. Honestly, I was so excited, too. As soon as the 12th period bell rang, all I could think of was spending today with you. I guess, in the high of all of this, the interpreted let down is a lot stronger than usual. We met up at my locker, remembering that there is an FBLA meeting. Dues were due today and he didn't have the money. I offered to pay for him and he just pays me back. More or less, I just wanted him the be there with me. He refused and began to walk down the hall directing, "just meet me in the band room." The way it happened was so blunt. When we hit the band hallway, he didn't even look back to say bye or anything. With that, it felt like another one of our arguments all over again. I was so upset and infuriated because I will always hate when someone gets mad at me and just walks away, pretending things are fine, but won't bother saying a word. I went to the FBLA meeting and sat down. I felt alone a majority of the time. I sat there and just wanted to lay my head on the chair. I got close to crying in the first few minutes in there and I honestly considered walking out. It wasn't that big of a deal, not having dues, and I was just upset. Finally, when the meeting ended, I met up with him again at the end of the business hall with a bunch of other people. Walking out of the class, he now looked okay, but I still was hurt from earlier. I greeted him and then went to my locker to get my things. I wish he followed. When I came back, we all kinda of just talked, but I couldn't take the excess feeling from earlier. I walked towards the front. I wish he followed. I laid my stuff beside the table and laid on it. Blankly wandering my phone, he finally came by. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was just so stressed, which was true. Guard now has rehearsal an hour early on Saturday for the competition. On top of that was the unmentioned. Had I, I would've attacked the problem on the spot. He accepted my single answer and walked away. I couldn't take it, feeling the tears comply with the laws of gravity, accumulating at the outer corners of my eyes. I threw my jacket over my face, to cover. I wish you stayed. When I pulled the jacket off again, I was alone. It hurt for the fact that when he's angry, I always, always insist until I get the answer out of him. Yet, when I'm angry, he doesn't ask a second time or "insist". I walked away again, around the other corner. I wish he followed. He didn't. I looked at the art school posters, writing down school names, and at the same time hoped for the boy in the gray and black striped sweater to come by.

He peeked over once, but never came up to me. Then, I got a phone call from him saying that he was leaving, that he got a ride from a church friend. My heart sank and seeped out between my toes. I tried to save it, so I asked where he was. I was going to meet back up with him. This whole time, as I was waiting for him, I assumed he was talking to any group. Instead, getting this call flat out made me break down. I stood right outside the hidden hallway. As soon as he told me, I made my way in there, completely choked up on words. I wanted to safe him, but his mind sounded so set and he told me to not come outside because of the church friends. I felt like I was being pushed away. I covered my mouth and ran into the hidden hallway and just began to cry. When I didn't answer "ok", he hung up on me. I couldn't help but think how fucked up the afternoon was turning out. My body fell to the side, leaning again the beige cinder block walls, and then sliding down to the floor, bawling. From there, I tried to recompose myself. I'm not sure if Emily saw, but I didn't really care who saw at this point. Frustration and bitter sadness enveloped my being. Eventually, I tried to compose myself, got my things and walked right out the high school, set on walking home. Slightly storming out, I did my best to not make contact with anyone. When Kim said hi, I had to pull out a big fake smile. Half-way walking, almsot by Joralomen, I told him to call me.

He soon called me. My heart was still beating with sadness, anger, and frustration, that I just went off him. I usually don't yell at people, but in a mixed of my short breaths, my voice was raised and very assertive. I voiced every thought I had and plain and simple, with all these emotions take away, I just wanted to see him. I was upset with the argument because I wanted to fix it and spend today with him, no matter what way it was. I eventually turned around and walked to his house quickly. We finally had our day, this day, and ended it on a softer note. It was a little ironic how at 4:00PM, he was slightly nervous of someone coming home and I was perfectly fime. Usually it's the other way around! Photo is of a nice group of random people on the streets. :D

Excited To Mention An Anniversary

I know that we have a competition coming up, but I just felt so lethargic at practice today. I enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to start until I fixed the staple gun with Joe and fixed up the bed. Just like the many quizzes and tests I had today, I skimmed my way through rehearsal. I really am excited for Saturday and I want us to be at our best, but I don't wanna run another practice on our free day! What has to be done has to be done, though. Like a fortune cookie I opened today stated, "The calm sea does not make a skilled sailor." I need to follow and remember that advice.

Today, we couldn't help but admire the fact that tomorrow we officially make a whole entire year being together. We also got to kind of talk out problems after school. It felt so very nice to be with you, excited for what we have in store for tomorrow. I love you so much :) Photo is of my drawing for the class I got a 60 for today's test.

Change, Coupons, And Well, More Change?

-regains consciousness- My hazy eyes tried to find those digital numbers... What did that say? Comcast was telling me it was 8:00AM. Isn't it Friday? . . . HOLY CRAP I'M LATE.

That was exactly how my morning started off. Beginning the school day by walking down the hall to my locker with cotton candy colored papers, pink for my Central and blue for my Tardy, wasn't very enjoyable. My brother had reminded me last night that we would be leaving the house at 7:15AM. Last night, I thought great, he'll be awake, early since he probably has to be somewhere. As reality revealed, he was asleep, just as I was. He didn't have to be somewhere; he just wanted to leave earlier. First central of the year, go team. As the day progressed, things pulled back into place, and I wasn't too lethargic. I got through the school day without any problems.

Another day at Wendy's wasn't so bad. For the past free days we had together, we haven't been able to spend it alone. Although it is by choice, I really would like to have a day with just you and I. Nonetheless, any day with you and anyone else is enjoyable. We went to Wendy's and used our amazing coupon books. I pigged out. -_- I thought I had a ride for you home planned out, so I didn't want you to leave at any given time. Bad luck was on our side, and complications arised. It was almost 5PM and you had to be home. I apologize for making empty promises to you that never get fulfilled. I hate disappointing you. I hate saying sorry. When it got late, I didn't want you to be late and get in trouble with your parents. In my failure, I pushed you away and i wanted to insist on just staying on my own and waiting for a ride. I ended up giving you a ride and thats where much of the day ended.

And now I discover. In the beginning, I promised to always be open. I asked you to do the same. When I'm angry, I tell you everything. When you're angry you tell me nothing. You pretend things are fine. Today at Wendy's I had a hint of something wrong, and I tried to catch you eye with it. You wouldn't look. As your Tumblr says, I have become just like you. Have I really changed so much? Photo is of homework.

My Feet Came To A Halt

Practice was good tonight. I could tell that the guard is very pumped for our first competition and so am I. I feel like we are so far ahead for our first competition and I'm excited with what kind of great thing we can accomplish. As much as I dreaded rehearsal tonight, it really wasn't that bad. This whole season, the guard has barely gotten yelled at and we continue to push forward. It sucks that we only have 7 girls, but as long as we are a strong 7, then by all means bring on the competition. Earlier this afternoon was a little disappointing. The greatest feeling doesn't seem to surface we someone who is angry or frustrated walks away from you. Especially if it's someone you love. All I want to do is help, but my help is denied with bitterness. I didn't feel as much offense and shrugged it off. I didn't do anything wrong, I was only trying to help make him feel better. I tried to walk him down the hall to the front, to tell him to "feel better" or to "be careful", but he simple said
"Don't walk with me." Me feet came to a halt, slightly confused and slightly disgusted. Had I ever been upset, I can never push you away. Photo is of Emily, zieg hail! juust keeding!

3 Consecutive Hours

As I had initially hoped and thought, church went by quickly this morning. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay on track with my thoughts which were irrelevant to the Sabbath Day. I lied to my sister this morning about using her eyeliner. Before church, she was searching for it and when asked, I plainly said "I don't know." I felt guilty the second it came out of my mouth, not for using it, but for lying. For all I care, she uses all my things, breaks it, and then never tells me! That was exactly the case. I confessed after church and she got a little upset. Then, she claimed that we were now fair. I was confused, and then she pulls out the fact that she broke the case to my eyeshadow make-up. I just looked away. She is so ridiculous. I couldn't stand an hour and she didn't tell me for days. She wouldn't have told me if this hadn't happened- I know that for a fact. After church, the whole family spent lunch at UNO's for my brother's birthday. I really haven't been there in a while, but definitely favor it over many other places! I ordered a Deep Dish Pizza for the first time as far as I could remember, and my memory served me right: I couldn't even finish half! That dish is a lot bigger than it looks! Anyways, when we got home I actually did a big chunk of my homework. I read 7 back and front pages of this packet for English. I laid in the bed room for 3 consecutive hours. I fell asleep for short periods of time, but I bounced right back into reading! I really hope tomorrow doesn't pile up with homework. Photo is of the lipstick I got for guard today at Face Values. Nice store, nice store :)

Never Again, Popeyes

Oh, Saturday. This morning's practice honestly wasn't bad at all. We got progress done and the excitement and anticipation for next Saturday is only growing larger! The idea of the Green Monster and Insecurity seemed not-existent today, and I basked in that positive feeling. Practice ended before I knew it and it was time to go home. Later today, I went to the mall with my parents, where I realized that I'm getting a lot close with my Mama. Strolling along, we walked into stores and it wasn't the typical walk-away-and-do-my-own-thang. We actually looked at stuff together such as everything in the Apple Store. Tonight when I got home, I began to test out my hairstyle for next weeks competition. The faux fohawk look I'm going for turned out pretty well, but I just need to be faster about it next weekend. Goodness, I feel like I ripped out half my head of hair when trying to remove everything! Every time I took the evil brush to tease my hair more and more, I felt like I was dying inside. All that damage was terrible! Photo is of bonding with Mama at the Apple store :)

Not According To - Hey, Ice Cream!

So I kinda of forgot that today was my brothers birthday, but not completely! I swear on my life that I looked at today's date today countless times and thought to myself, "Oh, wow its already the 24th! Marc's birthday is tomorrow!" Then, tonight I find out it was actually today. I was kind of ashamed and embarrassed, but I didn't feel to cruel about it. I new his birthday was around, I was just a day off. >_> Unfortunately, we didn't get to spend this Friday as I had personally wanted to, but things can't always go your way right? There was a new meeting for this YouTube talent group which I am now somewhat part of? I was fine with the situation, just of course a little sad; I didn't intentionally sulk in any way, though it may have seemed that way. A lot of the time, I began to grow tired, and spaced out. He got a little upset with me for that, but I really didn't mean to! We couldn't even hang out on this free day, but that is that. Tonight, I hung out a little with my brother, treating him to some Coldstone's for his birthday. I paid for the both of us. It was good, but I should have just stuck to the shake I initially wanted!!!! The ice cream got us both mega full and I felt so gross inside! Photo is from Coldstone's. I haven't been there in quite a while!

Keep Your Chin Up, Kid

Today was one of those days I'd rather not talk about, but we can't ignore these days can we? For the most part, school was fine, everything was fine, up until sectionals started. The ugly green monster inside me, hand in hand with insecurity, stomped over my day. I would so much rather hold together and be mature about something that is over and done with, but it keeps coming back to me. It's too out of line for me to be jealous when I have responsibilities to attend to. When this happens, a practice I'm trying to run fails and I get lost myself! That's where the green monster and Insecurity tag team switch. Insecurity begins to beat me up because I can't hold a practice together and I begin to stutter, like I did months ago, as I try to instruct. I kept forgetting work Shannon was trying to teach me to teach to the girls. After practice, I just felt so down, so lonely. There are days where my confidence is so immense that I can walk down the school hallways with my chin up high, feeling proud of who I am. But then, there are days like this were I can't even manage to lift my eyes up because I am too deep in thought, too worried. I just gotta keep trying. I'm not a quitter.

Outside waiting for my ride, I sulked into Rey's arms, just wanting some comfort. I know that this feeling will go away. I know that it is unfair to the other person for me to feel this way. I'll get better, I just know it. Walking along the high school's front ledges like a balance beam and pretending to be a ballerina doing nice leg lifts and flat backs, I felt better. In a way, I was alone in my mind, concentrating on myself. Photo is of that gorgeous view Insecurity leaves me with as I walk down the halls.

Finally Seeing

I can't believe I got through today's practice. It was pretty intense - well the run- through, that is. Apparently it was pretty good and hey, I'm excited for our first competition! ;D I'm crossing my fingers on top of the hard work that we're going to put in, that we do really well next Saturday. I was just so tired today; I was so unwilling to go to practice. When I think about 4PM-7PM, I just want to die right then and there, because it will safe me time anyways. Then again, I also think about how I went through 2 full weeks of 9AM-6PM, so why should anything bother me now? What made today less tolerable was the fact that it's like mating season for the gnats and they were absolutely everywhere. I didn't want to count out loud for the fact that I would eat a few.

I finally seeing some improvements in the mistakes I've made all of last year. I'm finally making the right choices. Naive little me, I didn't think it was easy to hang out with people and your boyfriend. The trick to it is that you can't think of the two any differently. If he and I can hang out with a guitar and just chill, then it can't be so bad when we're with other friends also! I'm really really happy with where this is taking me. Photo is of a cute post I was beat to. Diiiisss beeeetcchhh!

"Wanna Come To 7-11 With Us?"

Oh sweet Tuesday, I love you so much! I woke up today excited for the fact that I didn't have to report for practice after school. It's such a great feeling. Though it is just one day, it is a day I am very grateful for. As a result from yesterday, I felt a little gloomy also because I wasn't starting off with the Art class I thought I could get into Period 2. Anyways, I took advantage of this afternoon. I couldn't wait for 12th period to end so I could hang out with him. When we finally we just about on our way, leaving the high school for 7-11, Ana and Emily said hi. A sudden decision came into play, with options weighed. I've made this decision countless times last year, always choosing the wrong answer. I can't do that anymore, and I'm actually rebuilding a friendship again. With the grass between us [well we were on the grass and they were by the front doors, but that sounds cooler], I threw out the offer, "Wanna come to 7-11 with us?" I was hesitant, just because I had never asked before, but I finally did it. It took them a while to decide and I didn't know whether we should just leave or not, but he told me that they were still deciding. As it turned out, they came along and we had [I personally think] a good time. I didn't want them to think we were gonna be lovers and all over each other sitting at 7-11 because we don't even do that in the first place. Everything was kept casual and we even hit the park swings. We all just chilled out with our slushees, taquitos, and Emily's cookies. Even thought I had originally set this day for me and him, I was more than happy with how things turned out. Photo is of Emily and le slushee machine! We taught them how to make our slushee with every flavor! :D

Indulge In The Dread

Who knew a terrible start to a Monday morning could result in a happy, satisfied Monday evening? I didn't see it happening at all, 8:00AM this morning. I felt so hopeless. I walked into the high school this morning, so tired and just so stressed. Staying up for some English homework, having to take my equipment on the bus since my brother couldn't take me, homework to finish. I just didn't know. OH, the thought of rehearsal after this crazy day was on top of that.. on top of the fact that Caitline quit. Now stand back, take that all in. With so much on your mind, what can you do? I tried to lie down before 1st period in the band room, but the chairs weren't too comfy. Doesn't this all sound like a beautiful day? When he came in, he sat next to me, and I just leaned into him. I just closed my eyes and let everything go. I didn't know that letting go would mean tears, but those did come slightly after. I know it upsets him when I sleep late for stupid reasons, and so when he asked what time I slept, I didn't answer. I dug myself deeper into his chest because if he knew, he would push me away. That was the thing I wanted the least to happen at that point in time. Not too long after, he farted. It smelled horrible. At this point in time, I was the one who wanted to get away. I laughed and covered my mouth- he laughed. As I struggled to get away he didn't let me go, telling me to just take it all in. So there I was, flailing with slight tears in my eye, but finally smiling. Good god, did it smell like rotten eggs! When ever I'm down, that's all I need. As the day went on, I couldn't help but indulge in the dread. I was done for. As the day went on and as practice came around things weren't too bad. Practice went well, as we finally started getting used to putting key work to the drill. I'm finally enjoying these practices, just enjoying all of the little things. If we march with 7 guards, then like hell, let's go! Photo is of stupid homework.

Relief In Vulgarity

So please, please, please.. Just let me know if you plan on quitting now so I can save the tears for all at once. The guard is down to 7, and I was a bit bitter about it today. I hate the idea of having such a small guard, but I've learned over the past year to stop and tell myself, "Fuck it. Keep moving on." If we go out on there with a guard of 4, then like hell, we are going to perform the best show ever. I would personally feel more motivated if this guard was actually bigger, but I can't hold my expectations too high, right? It's a shame to see someone good go, but whatever. Tag Day this morning wasn't too fun. It went by quick than I thought though. After, I asked my brother if we could go to the mall. I had this day planned out. I would relax at the mall for part of the afternoon. Then, I would get down to work. Little did I know, the one poem I thought we only had to answer questions for was actually 8 poems. My whole idea of sleep was pushed back and here I am, begging to sleep now. Fuck it, Fuck this. It actually felt really good to yell out, "Fuck my life" earlier, when no one was in the living room. Photo is of yummy Pop-tarts :)

Start Off The Day With A Nice Cup Off Coffee

Practice ended with shaky hands. I simply couldn't believe that I got through today's rehearsal from 10AM - 6PM. I honestly woke up this morning in the mood where motivation to push through today didn't exist. Luckily, I started my day off with a nice cup of coffee! :D It was probably not very healthy to be drinking something so sweet right before intense physical activity, but it woke up in a way and got me through the day. As captain, just getting through practice doesn't cut it. I basically have to pull through for the whole guard- set the bar, y'know? As today progressed, it wasn't that I "realized" it, but I felt like I was a good captain. I was helping people here are there with work, giving little pep talks to the rookies, and being kind and assertive just as good leadership requires. The show is finally coming together and I'm pretty excited for October 2nd. I want to build these girls' confidence. I want to make them see what I see. I want to make them to feel what I feel when they stand in front of a crowd of hundreds. Rehearsal actually went by a lot quicker than I had dreaded. It was 5:30PM and doing our last run-through before I new it. Nonetheless, I was SO grateful when practice ended. I have come to realize that there's a part of marching band that will never leave me, even if others decide to leave. I still feel a sense of confidence and I still hold to the pride I have in this. I have big success planned for this guard and as eager as I am for the season to end, I'm not going to half-ass my way through this season. Photo is the huge heart-shaped cloud I saw on the way to the turf field! :D

Full Responsibility

One mistake, two mistakes. The tiniest errors become my biggest responsibilities. As I tried to warm the guard up tonight, it wasn't clicking for some of them. I take blame for maybe not starting with some drop spins, but then again, they need to learn how to perform on time crunches. Aside from a rough football game performance, all I am sure about right now is my tired body begging for sleep, dreading practice tomorrow, all day. Hopefully, tomorrow we can clean all the work better. Earlier today, we all spent time together for once, and this progress did make me happy. We all went to Wendy's which turned out not too bad- we all talked together other that being separated. Then, back at the high school before the game, we sat in the hall with guitars, just BSing. A little thing like that makes me happy. It makes me believe that things are truly getting better. Uhh.. I'm so tired. Good night. Photo is of Bob, Rey's birthmark.

Prove Myself Wrong

I think...tonight was the first night where I didn't mind staying in the high school after practice. Practice went so well without stress. I expected to hear the girls getting yelled at for not retaining work, but by the end of our full run-through at 6:10PM, a cheer from "Mama" and no bad comments from Shannon followed. This was amazing to me. Were we really that good? Talked to Shannon afterwards, she told me that the work looks very clean for where it is so early in the season. "Mama" asked me, "Are you excited?? Your should be!" Her best beliefs are in the guard placing very, very well this year. It didn't hit me as hard until she asked, my I'm so excited, also. I'm excited to walk my guard down the 50 yd. line when 4 years ago, I was the one following behind. It feels so great to feel accomplishment- to feel like your finally somewhere better. I'm excited to accept what ever place we get for all the hard work we put into this. I always told myself that I suck at teaching, and I do, but I'm beginning to prove myself wrong. I'm really curious to see where this will take me. Photo is from today, I was testing out our make-up.

Everything Comes With It's Stresses

At this point, I am already falling asleep. It's only 10:30PM, but I either getting used to this bed time or practice was just killer today. My best bet would be on practice. We didn't do anything hardcore nor did we get yelled at, but practice just drains you nonetheless. We got out uniforms today, which was pretty exciting, along with the flag I designed. Though I am not the soloist anymore, I still love the fact that I've been taking part in designing this show. I can get jealous from time to time, but my tiny solo in the beginning makes up of so. Alll the responsibility can get pretty tiring that I found myself asking today, "Is the season over yet?" I feel like that is definitely an automatic thing to think about as a marching band member in general. Everything come with it's stresses, including sports. School today was good, too. The entire fact that I've been sleeping earlier for the past two days has been having a positive effect on me. I start off the morning good and it carries throughout the day. Unfortunately, I started falling asleep in US History, but I blame the itis! I have lunch right before, and we sat in a dark room watching a movie - no windows.

When I got home earlier, I was reminded today of what makes me happy, what get's me through rehearsal. Whenever practice ends, an initial thought is to BBM him. In a way, I come home to him and I love it. It brings me back to a mental state where I'm happy and content. Simple BBMing relaxes me from the world. What do you expect of going to happy! Photo is of Gaby's awesome arm drawing of "the country". hahaha.

Lash Out And Take Away 5% Of My Day

95% Of my entire day was absolutely amazing. I went to sleep by midnight last night, and I woke up feeling good. I went to school feeling good. I wasn't falling asleep too badly in any specific class, although I was cramming on some homework due 3rd period. The day went so smoothly, a smile kept my face in line all day. After school, we went to 7-11, where we picked up an XL slurpee [they got a new orange flavor ♥] and 3 taquitos. I love that we have had so many little hangouts that we have created out own "usuals" at certain places. Food and drink at hand, we made our way to the side of the store: our usual spot to sit and eat. There, we sat, ate, laughed, and talked. I will always love this about our relationship. I enjoy having interesting conversations with you about random topics, or laughing as far as my smile could stretch. You really truly make me smile and even almost a year in, you still give me butterflies. Recently, I have been feeling something reminiscent of when we first started dating. Laughing, kisses, talking: it all felt so fresh.

When we had to walk back to Dunkin Donuts, thats where my day came crashing down. At first, it was the struggle of trying to get a ride home. No one was answering their phones and I knew he had to be home by this time, already. He didn't want a ride home, yet the request slipped past my lips as I called my father. I kept calling people like crazy and by the time I had a ride settled with papa, my sister called back. I tried to cancel with my dad because of the opportunity to walk Jacob home on the way to my ride, but that didn't work out. My dad insisted on the ride, even though I said I would meet up with my sister. Thing is, my dad wasn't supposed to ever know she would be at her boyfriend's house. While on the phone with my father, it didn't seem to phase him. Yet, when my sister called back, she flamed with repeating comments such as "ARE YOU RETARDED? HOW RETARDED CAN YOU BE, STEFANELLIE?! OH MY GOD." She made me feel like fucking shit. Like, okay I'm sorry some info was blurted out, but holy crap, there's no need to pull down my self-esteem. I would never ever lash out on anyone like that, no matter how bad the situation. It just had me pissed off, more that emotionally hurt. I felt so much disrespect. As it turned out everything was fine. She tried to apologize, but I didn't even look at her when she did. Ridiculous shit, man. Photo is of the lover creating our amazing slushee! :D

Quitters Quit Over Contraversy

You can not imagine how tired I am right now. On top of having a 4PM-7PM, I have just worked my ass past it's limits. By 8:30PM, I started reading out of the books and taking notes, as assigned. It's only 11:26PM, but I feel like it has been countless hours since 8:30PM. Finally, here I am finished, some how awake and typing. Today went by with the early urge to sleep. By second period Zoology, my eyes were crossing in every direction, begging to shut. I eventually got through the day, occasionally feeling an uneasiness in my stomach. Cramps, perhaps? Sure thing. The fact that I was so tired also had me dreading the 3-hour practice laying ahead. That, on the other hand was okay. Controversies were discussed during the leadership meeting, and we found out that Gaby quit. The idea of another friend quitting, kind of broke my heart. When someone quits the band, it is understandable if hey, they just don't want to do it anymore. It hits me more on a personal level when that person is a friend. There are only so many that I am close with during marching band- the ones I personally stay for. If one person leaves, then a chain reactions occurs. It gets to a point, like now, where I'm afraid to ask Ana that if DJ quit next year, will she. If she does, I don't know what to do in that situation. I have responsibilities, but at the same time, it won't be the same without people I'm truly close with. I don't want to think too much into it all; I just need sleep. Photo is of the lover trying to cover his book this morning. I helped him. :D

Indulge, Sleep, and Repeat

Ah, good old Sunday. I was falling asleep this morning during mass, but I did manage to practice the show mentally as they prayed. Yeah, pretty horrible, huh? Today was the first time in a long while that my brother came to church with us, and it was nice. I guess there's a family oriented characteristic that sticks with him, in all of us actually, that I'm grateful for. We went to the Viet restaurant once again, enjoying some noodles, beef, Thai iced tea, and rice. The lunch was excellent, but once I got home, a day of binging repeated itself. I indulged in countless Costco pastries, landing me with an almost empty box on the kitchen table. I tried to practice flute for tomorrow's seating tests, but my flute was just failing on me. Broken since last year, it was just the same. I tried to fix it on my own, but that only got me so far. Unfortunately, school starts again tomorrow and unfortunately, I haven't caught up to my sleep as well as I wanted. I think I'm going to do that right about now. Photo is of our tasty lunch.

Paid To My Responsibilities

It's the weekend and I'm still begging for sleep. As pessimistic as that may lead you to assume how my day was, it really wasn't. I got up for practice pretty early, but still grateful for knocking out last night [even without brushing my teeth - gross, I know]. Practice was alright, considering how we practiced with all of our equipment today and began messing with the key props. I got right into spinning that big old chunk of wood along with tossing. I really, really like weapon, since I first started saber for last season. Overall, practice went well, even the 3 laps we got for being late to block last night. I mentally felt like quitting the 2nd lap in, but I pulled through the last one and ran 3 laps straight. As much as I rather would've not, I paid to my responsibilities and held a practice afterwards for one of the girls, supposed to be two. As Anna had to leave and Jackie too, it was just a one-on-one rehearsal now. We were literally out there for a good hour and a half working on work she didn't know. I kept up my positive reinforcements, trying to keep the mood light. By the time that was over, I got a ride home from Wendy's. A little while after, did I leave to the mall with my parents. I must admit, my relationship with them, especially my mother, lately had be mature and so much better. I finally enjoyed being at the mall tonight, without any new stresses. What did bother me, though, was how I found navy blue cardigans at XXI right away, in a place that I checked a million times during our last visit! Photo is of my dinner! I ordered Chinese for the first time, woop woop!!

A Reality In This

"High five for a bad night," I suggested to Jonathan. I sat there tonight on the front steps, just so tired and down, and not because we lost the game! I felt like I did something wrong, but the worst part is that I don't know what. When I got home, I laid on the floor, asking my mother to massage my back. I pretty much fell asleep on the floor. Anyways, earlier today, things were pretty decent. As far as school goes, that went pretty well, too. I'm getting used to my schedule and actually liking it I kind of got lost through AP Chem, but after a while I just thought to myself, fuck it. Before I knew it, school was finished and I was so happy. I was looking so forward to the fact that he was coming to join us tonight, but slowly as the afternoon went on, did my happiness decrease. We had practice on the field at 4PM for the game, he didn't come out because there was no point. When I came back inside, he wasn't around, so I found him in the gym watching the volleyball game. I asked if he was going to come back up to change. He didn't have to, and just stayed down there. I had hoped he would come back with me, but he stayed. I went to change. In the midst of band season, I hoped that being together like this would make us closer. Because I'll be with my section and we can't really spend time like that, my hopes are not up to par with reality. I really really wanted to enjoy tonight, and I did, but I felt like I did something wrong. A reality in this is that it honestly sucks to be in the same place as him and not be able to be with him. I can't say that I regret tonight in any way, though.

When Half time rolled around, I had my mind on the very first performance for the color guard of 2010. I was very excited and very determined to make this one a good one. As I warmed them up, it became a little difficult to count with all the noise, but they honestly pulled through. I was so happy, so reassured in myself, that I'm doing a decent job. Sure, the performance wasn't PERFECT, but it wasn't bad. In terms of progress, that is everything I could ask for. We're going to get there, I know it! Photo is of the homework for Pre-Cal I think I have to do ahah.

Sleep Walking To Starvation

Part of me regrets asking Shannon that single question at the end of practice today. "How am I doing?" I feel like if I just kept my mouth shut and improved on my own, I would answer the only doubt that was in my head. She told me I was doing good and at that moment, it clicked in my head that the only thing doubting my was myself.

Last night, I pulled another all-nighter, finishing McLean's paper. By the very last paragraph, I was dozing off every other minute and had the hardest time trying to type without falling asleep. I'm so glad that I may be able to get some decent sleep tonight, but that can only last so long. With schedule changes done, I'm finally starting to like my classes. I'm so excited to get started in Zoology, dissecting and whatnot.

Practice was really, really good tonight. I've finally learned to have it in my voice than when I express a compliment to the guard, it had meaning in the way you speak. Maybe it wasn't so much learning how to, but this time I really meant it. BHS guard is improving very nicely and our first competition is coming up soon! I hope we can pull the show together by that time, but it's definitely going to be hard. :)) Photo is just of me.. yeah, cam-whoring can be fun, and here's the raunchy photo of the uniform. GHA IM SO TIRED GOOD NIGHT.

The Stresses Begin

I'm really not starting off the school year well. Everything is alright, but the whole aspect of pulling ALL-NIGHTERS and sleeping late on the first days of school does not work for me. I guess, in a way, it shows how well I'm willing to push myself, in the most unfavored circumstances and times. I finally got my schedule fixed, thank god! Last year, I waited about a week and then sat in Mrs. Ciccone's office for a good 2 hours! -_- oh, the stress. Honestly, I'm more lenient when it comes to dropping honors classes. Don't get me wrong, I want to go to a really good school for college, but I want to get into an art institute, not a nursing school. Anyways, I may have regretted so, but I forgot to switch into Wind Ensemble H. It sucks to go back, but this will definitely make up for lost honors credits from the past few years. It sucked, having to drop French 3H, because I love her class so much. Well, French, that is. I really enjoyed learning a new language. Next year, I definitely plan to pick it back up, ending up sharing the class with some current sophomores. Ahem.

Anyways, my starving self was so hungry by the time school ended and I wanted to go to Wendy's so badly. I needed food, and it was starting to get to me. He had to charge his phone since it was dead, so that took time away from us leaving. Then, he began to chat with the student teacher, who was helping him out with guitar. I respected and enjoyed the fact that he was getting into a deep convo about something he wants to pursue after high school: music. I had practice at 4PM and I just couldn't wait much longer. Finally, we left to Dunkin, and my stomach hurt on the way. Finally there, we had to do a "grab and go" type of thing. It didn't make my stomach feel as good as it would have wanted because of the walking and eating aspect. Regardless, I finally had food in my system. Practice actually was stressful at first. When the guard gets yelled at for something, I take full responsibility, and so it pushes me to get more done and be more of a bitch. Tosses were removed from the show, no talking was tolerated, and we were to practice in between sets. Towards the end of rehearsal, things lightened up and smiles began to crack. It wasn't too bad after all. More or less, the intensity of the season is creeping onto us. Photo is of 7-11. I got a medium slushee along the way to Target to purchase some supplies. Unfortunately, I had to revert to Staples, spending a hell of a lot more than i was content with.

First Day Of Junior Year

First day of junior year started today. I'm not sure if it really hit me yet, but the idea is still a little shocking. To think, a year from now begins my senior year, and then college.. I know it sounds stupid and cliche, but I can honestly remember just starting freshman year like it was yesterday. It's scary how close it all seem to have been, how fast time has flown. Homeroom this morning wasn't much of a surprise: effed up schedule and no Wind Ensemble. First period, in the wrong class, I felt out of place because everyone that I do talk to was in Wind Ensemble. arg. As the day went on, I found myself, almost dozing off here and there because of the lack of sleep. I'm currently liking only a few of my classes so far, considering how this isn't how my schedule should be. If I could keep it, I would consider keeping per. 2 Zoology. The idea of dissecting animals gross me out, yet intrigues me at the same time. Hopefully I get my schedule fixed tomorrow! After school, I hung out with zee love. I had hoped to go to Wendy's really badly for some reason. We didn't get to go, but instead, we chilled at his house with Shalier. Jacob secretly gave me a cup of his mama's favorite drink, passion fruit. OMAGAH IT WUZ SO GOOOOD :) Ah, it was way to hot today for pants. Nigga, I'm wearing a skirt tomorrow. >_> Photo is of a little list I needed to make to remind me of what I need for school.

Good Old Labor Day

The whole strategy for today failed. On good old Labor Day, I had this whole plan set up in my mind. The idea was to basically spend this whole day working on summer reading and AP Chemistry. As it turned out, I went out for lunch around 2:30PM and got home around 5PM. We went to the Viet restaurant again and the good was good, nonetheless. When I got home, I got working on my summer reading project again, but around 6:30PM, we left for the mall. How could I say no to the mall?? I knew it was a bad decision to go, but I needed the mental break. We stayed far longer than I had expected. At 9:05PM, we were standing in line at SEARS, ready to pay and leave, but an older woman at the register was taking her sweet, sweet time, asking the cashier to "just check the price on this one" and "on this one too". The whole line got aggravated, even the cashier. It was ridiculous. Anyways, I got home around 10PM, freaking out. I ended up pulling an all-nighter, for the first day of school. Go team. Photo is of my Thai Iced Tea. Yumm.

Reinforced My Good Feelings

Oh, Sunday. I was woken up at 10AM this morning, to get ready and attend the 10:30AM mass. It didn't hit me immediately, but I then thought, what the hell? thats 30 minutes from now! Even with the time scrunch, I got dressed at my own, slow pace. Hey, I made it in time and that's all that matters! After church, we [minus mi hermano] ate lunch at the Vietnamese restaurant by East West. There's this really cool thing between my family and weekends. It's seems like on Saturday and Sunday mornings, we get along so well and converse like normal people. During the week, we're all cranky from work and whatnot. This morning, we jokes and laughed at the table. I even told my parents about what I have in mind for the future as a commercial designer/artist and they approved! They even went as far as suggesting what schools could provide me with the best classes. Later on, I began to clean my closet. I know that school starts in two days and I need to finish my summer work, but I got sidetracked to fixing up my clothes! Then, I went to AC Moore to finally get the supplies I need for my summer reading project. I saw Ana there. Woop. lol Ah, and the best accomplishment of today has to be finished Deejay's book bag I'm pretty proud of the result, considering the doubt I had at first. Posting it on Tumblr and Facebook reinforced my good feelings as others loved it too. Photo is from the bag :)

Variety Of Progress

Again with another day of binging. Though I start my day late at around 11AM, I still manage to eat my life away. To lift up my shirt and see that gut disgusts me. Even at that point, I continued to eat. When it comes to binging, I fall into this mental state where I can't even listen to myself when I know I should stop eating. Aside from eating all day, I got a variety of progress done today! For example, I finally began watching Degrassi: The Boiling Point, which I'm sure just ended. I'm on episode 5 and have a whole summer's worth to catch up on! I slightly worked on Deejay's book bag. ..I just outlined Max, and hey, I'm proud of it! Also, I finished one page of my AP Chemistry work! I'm pretty confident that I can finish it by tomorrow. Agh, of course there is still summer reading to work on, but I'll figure that out tomorrow. I saw The Last Exorcism tonight with my brother. The majority of the time, I covered my face, but that's just because I have such a faint heart. The movie itself wasn't really scary. Nothing popped up too abruptly, but it was weird nonetheless. More than scary, did I find it to be messed up. The idea of so-called pastors and preachers pretending to believe and stage their exorcisms is so disrespectful to all religions in general. You don't play around like that! Photo is of me and my feet ears! :D

A Nice Way To End The Summer

Wow, today was an adventure in it's own and well worth every second. Considering everything that occurred last night, I couldn't imagine today every playing out as it really did.

I woke up around 11AM to take a shower. As much as I hate sleeping with the gross feeling on my skin, I've been doing it for the past few days. Then, I began to clean. Moving at my own slow pace, I ate breakfast, a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, in between. I cleaned for the sake of having people visit my place for the first time. Deejay and Ana came over for a last minute-planned trip to the Urban Outfitters in Montclair. With them over and the house cleaned, I was a little proud. The first time Ana came over, it was at it's worst and disgusting. We didn't leave as soon as the got here, but we waited about an hour to see if he could come. As it turned out, he was able to and even his mother knew! Unfortunately, when asked who he was hanging out with, I was only referred to as "that girl". Damn. Finally, when he arrived we I left. Did I mention that he came right in and up the stairs? Apparently, the door was unlocked. Yeah, totally unsafe. We walked our way all the way down Belmont Ave. to wait for the #11 bus. It wa

s Deejay's first time taking a bus. We were making history already! Just kidding. He was so excited to press the button for our stop, and even missed it the first try! Upon arrival in Montclair, I still had the mindset of not liking Montclair, more for it's people. As the day went on, I learned that I could care less for it's people. I love the environment and this is a place I would like to be in more often. After much indecision, we ended up going to Urban Outfitters, spending a good, enjoyable, fun while there. I helped Ana pick out shoes, look through "Would You Rather..." and "Female Body Language Decoded"books, broke three hangers, and even shared a single, refreshing kiss between two Men's Clearance racks! As much as I love it there, I left the store empty hande

d. Then, we went into a vintage store that I've been dying to go in for quite some tim

e now. Upon walking in, the store amazed me more than Deejay, Ana, or Jacob. I was already in love with the store, noticing little Buddha figures on shelves, graphic tees on the wall, bags, and shoes galore. What caught my attention, and my wallet, the most was jewelry. I didn't particularly love

everything there, but two Koi fish necklaces caught my eye. I had it set in my mind that I was getting one or the other. At $20.99, the price didn't bother me because I wanted it so badly. I didn't buy anything at UO, so here was my chance to buy something I actually wanted! With my shopping finished, we headed out for food for some starving stomachs.We ended up eating at the Golden River. GOOD GOD, IT WAS HOT AS BALLS IN THERE. Behind us, sat a girl and a guy who looked like a girl. Throughout the day, we realized, more and more, how many gay people were in Montclair! It was perfect for Deejay! :D Next, we hit up Red Mango. It wasn't amazing, but I was definitely glad we visited it. The frozen yogurt was pretty good: Jacob and my regular Madagascar Vanilla topped with graham crackers crumbs and Captain Crunch. I was actually pretty sad whe

n we realized there was no more left. We sat there, chilled out, glad to be in the nice air-conditioned store instead of the hot-as-balls restaurant. Satisfied with our first dessert, we we're laid back, but Deejay's sugar rush showed so prominently! He was ready to do cartwheels on the floor! We then went over to the next store, where they sold pretty cool cupcakes. I bought a "Chocolate Gigi", which he claimed to have a dirty ring to it. We sat outside the place, enjoyed the cupcake which only Jacob and I ate, and began to talk about futures.

Conversation like that always intrigues me because of how mature a topic it is and how close college is getting. We discussed living together, the four of us, possibly Jaelynn, too. The idea is to find a nice apart

ment or house to rent together because in reality, that is the only way we can stay close after high school. I really like the idea for the fact that it is in a way, the first step we can take into learning how to fend for ourselves in this world. Just leaving home after high school is a big step. Also, to be with people I love after high school is definitely a blessing. When all your friends go off to college, it's so hard to keep in touch and so easily to drift away. We sat there for a good while, conversation carrying on. At one point, I broke privacy. I can never grant us a good, clean day from troubles, can I? Right before leaving, we went back in to Red Mango for smoothies. I kept my distance, understanding, regretting. Just walk ahead so they don't see the expression on your face, I thought. We walked back to Deejay's car, and the ride back was actually a nice one. I sat next to him: his arm wrapped around my side and my other hand came over to meet his. Our fingers intertwined on the way home. He even kissed me on the cheek! That felt so sweet, so nice. When I got dropped off, I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't. Ah, my mind has become so used to strict PDA that I don't feel comfortable kissing in front of others, even when it's okay.

Overall, today was a really chill day. Though I hate to thing that school starts in 4 days, this was a great way to end the summer. I can't wait to do this again! Photos are all from today: frozen yogurt, a photo from Urban, and Deejay's first bus ride! :D

I Wasn't Fishing For Sympathy

I've tried to convince myself to look at today in the best light as possible, but god, I only feel right in guilt. I woke up this morning, ready to put my strongest heart on the line and accept everything or anything that happens today. When I got out of the car, things weren't too bad. Initial talk was fresh and plentiful. When we started to get closer to Walgreens, I began to fall back, recede, into my subconscious worry. The decision that I don't want to go through with it anymore. The worry that I want to still pull through for you. I told myself, over and over again, that even though I didn't want to, I still had to pull through for you. This was your day and I didn't want to ruin it. Well, as it turned out, I ruined your day and I didn't pull through. You were able to read right through my quiet contemplating and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't help but feel selfish for not being able to hide it all for you. I wasn't fishing for sympathy, I just wanted for you to have a day you were looking forward to. Instead, a majority of my behaviors resulted in upsetting you, breaking promises, and you walking away. God only knows how I've already ruined your day. Then, I find out that the headache you got earlier only got worse. After a day of all this, I can only believe it was my fault. It was my fault, my fault, my fault. I sparked the headache and if not, I only fed the flame with my constant apologies and annoying self trying to cheer you up. It's so stupid of me: this pattern I have. When I'm down, I end up bringing you down with me. But at that point, I don't like that you're down, so I try to cheer you up. I found out that tonight, while you were at the salon, it got so bad that you began to throw up. Had I just pulled through, this would have never happened. I'm so so sorry. Photo is of Kevin on top of the hs sign after practice.. sideways.

These Are The Moments We're Going To Regret Not Having Enough Of

"Take a second to just take it all in," he said. We sat in the grass, in front of the high school, an hour early for my rehearsal. He asked me to take in the adequate simplicity of today. I am with you and you are with me. Though it is hot, that is the simple miracle of today. "These are the moments we're going to regret not having enough of, later in life." I responded with confusion because I knew for sure we are going to have many more.

Anyways, today was a very good day, especially when I lower my expectations and love what I have. I left the house right about noon to meet up with him and spend a little time together at 7-11. We got an XL slurpee of Coke, Cherry, Orange, and Root Beer, cookies, and 3 taquitos. We sat out back so that we could sit in the shade on this hot, hot day. We just talked about anything, laughed, he wouldn't put his arm around me, jerk and just had a nice, relaxed time. Though I curved my eating because I ate cereal before leaving the house, I still managed to get a stomach ache. Walking on the way back, my stomach disagreed with me more and more. As we sat in front of the high school, a shift in conversation topics changed the mood in the atmosphere. I personally like talking about serious topics, or even arguments, in person. Texting just leaves a big opportunity for more arguing and misunderstandings. There, under a tree, we slowly pushed the discussion forward, at our own pace. I really wish we could argue verbally more, actually. They wouldn't be as bad. I've let it come down to the fact that it's your life, you're decisions. I'll be around, regardless.

Practice was something I just wanted to end. The stomach ache was not getting better, I just wanted to lie down. I'm done worrying about my lieutenant using more power than I do, I'm more at a "Fuck It." ideal right now. My insecurities are stupid. I'm captain, and I'm doing my job just fine. Photo is of the silly guy I'm in love with. :)