I Will Not Hide The Details

Today has been much more difficult than I still consider it to have been. I went the entire day telling others, along with myself, that today was just one of those days that could have been better, at the most. It first began with a slightly disappointing morning. The day digressed from anything good; it turned down a path that has led me back to bulemic ways. It is a very disappointing experience within myself. I guess we should back-track. This morning, I woke up around 10:30 AM, looking forward to possibly getting my permit. As it turned out, we could not get it because the Wayne DMV was incredibly busy, as always. This wasn't much of a surprise; I was aware that the DMV was closing earlier today. That wasn't the worst part of the event. The worst part of this morning would have to be the tiny panic I had and the search for my wallet. Stories have previously haunted me about persons losing their wallet or important paper work right before they go for their permit. I couldn't believe I was about to be another story. For a decent while, I didn't let my mom know. If she did, the only things that would escape her unfortified lips would be of what I should've ,could've, and didn't do or how irresponsible I was. She would not help me find my wallet. Eventually, I had to tell her [she noticed me hastily looking for something and the typical answer "nothing" would not cut it.] She lived up to my expectations. Her voice immediately raised as did mine. Every time I spoke was not in mindless anger; instead, all I said was how she should listen to her self and how unhelpful she was to be saying the things she was. I eventually found it. We went to the DMV and had the slight disappointment. I easily got over that story. I didn't have much of a breakfast before we left, so when we came home, I had a nice meal of squid and rice. Actually, I lied. I had a bowl of Cheerios in the car. For much of the afternoon, I felt tired, but did not sleep. I tried to clean. I tried to do homework. I tried to relax. The only thing I truly accomplished today was eating my life away. I mindlessly ate anything and large amount of it. For about 78% of the day, I found my self chewing. I had cereal, crackers, bread, Nutella [I finished the jar], squid, suman, more Cheerios, Nerds candy, coffee, etc.I really wanted to nap before heading to the high school, but for some reason I did not. I began to watch movies on my USB. I was pretty happy because I finally found time to enjoy myself. There was an invitation to DJ's house which I had to turn down, but at the same time favored. I wasn't in the mood to interact with others. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to retreat into my happy place. Usually, my happy place is with my boyfriend, but even in that case, I was alone today. It didn't bother me too much that he wasn't replying to my texts. With bad eating habits taking over, I was sad kind of indifferent. Usually, I bitch and moan about him not replying, but I just took it in. I really wish he did reply more, though. That case hit the fan. After the high school parade, I got called out on for not giving a proper goodbye.
Him: We were talking brb babe games with the guys.
Me: Ok
Him: Don't do that to me
Me: ?
Him: I tried to talk to you before
Me: Do what hun?
Him: Just write ok When I'm leaving for a while
Me: You kinda keep leaving so I'm just saying ok
Him: Its not my fault
I wasn't trying to blame him for anything. There were just so many events in the day where he had to go; this time was not any different. I considered asking him to just text me when he was free, but I didn't mind too much. I didn't know he was leaving for a long? while. I was hurt and caught off guard, but that happens so often in my life that I am used to the surprise of my own wrong. When I got home, it kind of killed the mood. I was eve more mindless that I had been the entire day. I ate more. I stared more. I finished watching Scott Pilgrim vs the World and Youth and Revolt; I honestly laughed out loud many times! For those two movies, I was in moments of satisfaction. Aside from the fact that I ate a huge bowl of popcorn and finished a jar of Nutella, I didn't feel too bad.. during the movie of course. As I later watched on Demand MTV shows, I stared at the TV, sometimes not paying attention to what was on. I looked into the mirror today watching my gut expand, watching my neck/chin grow thicker. It bothered me. I couldn't help but eat and eat. I was binging I felt like shit with a whole jar of Nutella in my stomach, along with other baddies in my digestive tract. Finally, I began to grow tired while watching TV. I went to brush my teeth. The gross feeling in my stomach made me want to puke it out and so I did. With the end of my toothbrush, I tested my gag-reflexes. They were working just fine. The nasty taste coming up from my throat honestly felt good. I was getting the shit out of my system. Bulemia is a nasty, nasty disorder, but I won't say that I am or every truly truly was. Every time I have done so was for reasons like this, decisions made on my own. My self-respect and confidence fluctuates, as one can tell from reading this. When a day is just not working out for you, what can you do? Photo is of the DMV