Hello and Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this! I really hope you had a great holiday! Mine started off alright, but it ended with an epiphany learned as I laid depressed in bed. The Christmas morning I experienced this year was very much bonding. When I woke up, I learned that there was coffee for each of us waiting in the kitchen. Once I got myself together and awake, I made my way into the kitchen where the rest of my family was. We talked about things. We discussed how grateful were were that my father was okay, asked about the actual accident, make little jokes about it to retain a lighter mood; I even saw my father shed a few tear, thankful to still be breathing. My mother confessed that she is very proud to see what great girls and guy her children have grown up to be. It was a fulfilling comment to hear. I joked, "Ahh, I have grown to be a very great boy. :) " Of course, my cheesiness would not be part of who I am, had it not been for both my parents. Anyways, we later opened up our gifts. My ma lead herself to believe that one of us purchased a Coach branded purse for her, when in fact, we did not. I was excited for her to open up my gifted Bearpaw boots, so her falsified excitement was a little hurtful to the heart. Just kidding, it wasn't that bad. We opened up my gifts and as bad as I wanted an SLR camera, I did rip through any layer of giftwrap which revealed the name Nikon. I was a little upset, but I shrugged it off and told myself to be grateful for what I did receive. My father gave me two skirts. They were both the wrong sizes, but it's the thought that counts! [One was a size 5, the other a 3. I am an 8] I got some descent jewelry from my Godmother. I unwrapped a coat which I actually picked out while shopping for my sister's gifted coat with my mom. There was no need to wrap it, but my mom insisted anyway. Like my other siblings, I received a pair of slippers. They were nice. After church, I took a drive with my brother to exchange gifts with Kim Ho. I haven't talked to her at all lately, and that is my fault. I gave her a preset-frame disposable 36mm camera from UO, an H&M blouse, and a bracelet. In return, I received a $25 general gift card. I was a little heart broken. This is a gift from one of my best friends and it's as if she didn't know me anymore, for she wrote in the card that she did not know what to get me. If that is the case, I would not blame her. I haven't been around in her life consistently enough to maintain that best friend position. As another day of eating progressed, I also digressed into a state of depression. He didn't respond to my text for whatever reason I was not aware of at the time. I eventually isolated myself into the room, with my music and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. At first, I began to only think. I thought about the gifts I received today, past mistakes I have made in my friendships, and relationships. And Dear God, I am a disgusting, terrible, territorial friend. Upon reading that, of course, the greatest and worst comforters will tell me I'm being stupid to even think that. First example that clicked was Kim Ho. The second was Ana Villaruel. Although I have gotten her a gift for the past few years, I have not received one from her in the past two years. Last year, I said it didn't matter because I was in the joy of giving. It was true. That morale still applied this year, but this strike of lonliness just made it hurt. She really liked my gift, but when I first told her I got her something, I received an apology that she didn't get me anything. I'm not sure what it was, but she got Jaelynn something. I'm not looking for reasoning behind these events, but tonight they all connected in a way that made me understand what a bad person I am. I can never forget was a shitty friend I have been to her in the past year. I probably still carry traces of those bad times today and repeat them. Case three is Jaelynn Vizzi. I love this girl to death and understand her money problems. I had no problem with which ever last-minute gift i received, but to open up a pack of Ferrero Roche chocolates induce the feeling that I have been very distance from the people I care about the most for them to even remember what kind of gift I would like. Jaelynn, actually, has been a very good friend, even though we did not spin together this past season. Case four is Jon Cana. God, I didn't even get him a gift. I am so angry at myself each time I remember that I gave him nothing. He said it was okay, but in my personal fulfillment, I should have given him something anyway to show my gratitude of his friendship after all these years. In fact, not doing so probably pushes the away even more! Case five is Jacob Reyes. I fail to keep him happy on a daily basis. I have taken him for granted various times. I have whined about every insecurity to him. I have made his life much more difficult. Sure, I saved him from bad times when we first go together, But after a while, I have only begun to destroy it. I have broken up his relationship with his family. I have ruined his religious chance in him congregation. Not even my boyfriend knows who I am and it has been so difficult to give him that because I am also lost. I really don't deserve any of you. Tonight, I fell asleep reading that book. It was comforting to read again; I fell asleep with my contacts on but I didn't care. I wanted to vent this all out to Jacob Reyes, so I BBM him, " Would you be happier without me around?" I fell asleep without a response. I woke up again for a moment, in sleep paralysis. I could not move my limbs; I was conscious of my way into dreaming. I began to hear the beeping of a heart rate monitor, as if I was in a hospital. This faint sound scared me and I found my way back into some kind of consciousness where I could move my limbs. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I woke up again at 5AM to his long-awaited replies from midnight. They were comforting and I tried to reply back all at once, but I fell asleep again. This Christmas was just not out of a book of idealism. Photo is of
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas, I Hope You Had A Beautiful Holiday
Hello and Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this! I really hope you had a great holiday! Mine started off alright, but it ended with an epiphany learned as I laid depressed in bed. The Christmas morning I experienced this year was very much bonding. When I woke up, I learned that there was coffee for each of us waiting in the kitchen. Once I got myself together and awake, I made my way into the kitchen where the rest of my family was. We talked about things. We discussed how grateful were were that my father was okay, asked about the actual accident, make little jokes about it to retain a lighter mood; I even saw my father shed a few tear, thankful to still be breathing. My mother confessed that she is very proud to see what great girls and guy her children have grown up to be. It was a fulfilling comment to hear. I joked, "Ahh, I have grown to be a very great boy. :) " Of course, my cheesiness would not be part of who I am, had it not been for both my parents. Anyways, we later opened up our gifts. My ma lead herself to believe that one of us purchased a Coach branded purse for her, when in fact, we did not. I was excited for her to open up my gifted Bearpaw boots, so her falsified excitement was a little hurtful to the heart. Just kidding, it wasn't that bad. We opened up my gifts and as bad as I wanted an SLR camera, I did rip through any layer of giftwrap which revealed the name Nikon. I was a little upset, but I shrugged it off and told myself to be grateful for what I did receive. My father gave me two skirts. They were both the wrong sizes, but it's the thought that counts! [One was a size 5, the other a 3. I am an 8] I got some descent jewelry from my Godmother. I unwrapped a coat which I actually picked out while shopping for my sister's gifted coat with my mom. There was no need to wrap it, but my mom insisted anyway. Like my other siblings, I received a pair of slippers. They were nice. After church, I took a drive with my brother to exchange gifts with Kim Ho. I haven't talked to her at all lately, and that is my fault. I gave her a preset-frame disposable 36mm camera from UO, an H&M blouse, and a bracelet. In return, I received a $25 general gift card. I was a little heart broken. This is a gift from one of my best friends and it's as if she didn't know me anymore, for she wrote in the card that she did not know what to get me. If that is the case, I would not blame her. I haven't been around in her life consistently enough to maintain that best friend position. As another day of eating progressed, I also digressed into a state of depression. He didn't respond to my text for whatever reason I was not aware of at the time. I eventually isolated myself into the room, with my music and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. At first, I began to only think. I thought about the gifts I received today, past mistakes I have made in my friendships, and relationships. And Dear God, I am a disgusting, terrible, territorial friend. Upon reading that, of course, the greatest and worst comforters will tell me I'm being stupid to even think that. First example that clicked was Kim Ho. The second was Ana Villaruel. Although I have gotten her a gift for the past few years, I have not received one from her in the past two years. Last year, I said it didn't matter because I was in the joy of giving. It was true. That morale still applied this year, but this strike of lonliness just made it hurt. She really liked my gift, but when I first told her I got her something, I received an apology that she didn't get me anything. I'm not sure what it was, but she got Jaelynn something. I'm not looking for reasoning behind these events, but tonight they all connected in a way that made me understand what a bad person I am. I can never forget was a shitty friend I have been to her in the past year. I probably still carry traces of those bad times today and repeat them. Case three is Jaelynn Vizzi. I love this girl to death and understand her money problems. I had no problem with which ever last-minute gift i received, but to open up a pack of Ferrero Roche chocolates induce the feeling that I have been very distance from the people I care about the most for them to even remember what kind of gift I would like. Jaelynn, actually, has been a very good friend, even though we did not spin together this past season. Case four is Jon Cana. God, I didn't even get him a gift. I am so angry at myself each time I remember that I gave him nothing. He said it was okay, but in my personal fulfillment, I should have given him something anyway to show my gratitude of his friendship after all these years. In fact, not doing so probably pushes the away even more! Case five is Jacob Reyes. I fail to keep him happy on a daily basis. I have taken him for granted various times. I have whined about every insecurity to him. I have made his life much more difficult. Sure, I saved him from bad times when we first go together, But after a while, I have only begun to destroy it. I have broken up his relationship with his family. I have ruined his religious chance in him congregation. Not even my boyfriend knows who I am and it has been so difficult to give him that because I am also lost. I really don't deserve any of you. Tonight, I fell asleep reading that book. It was comforting to read again; I fell asleep with my contacts on but I didn't care. I wanted to vent this all out to Jacob Reyes, so I BBM him, " Would you be happier without me around?" I fell asleep without a response. I woke up again for a moment, in sleep paralysis. I could not move my limbs; I was conscious of my way into dreaming. I began to hear the beeping of a heart rate monitor, as if I was in a hospital. This faint sound scared me and I found my way back into some kind of consciousness where I could move my limbs. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I woke up again at 5AM to his long-awaited replies from midnight. They were comforting and I tried to reply back all at once, but I fell asleep again. This Christmas was just not out of a book of idealism. Photo is of
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