I Wasn't Fishing For Sympathy

I've tried to convince myself to look at today in the best light as possible, but god, I only feel right in guilt. I woke up this morning, ready to put my strongest heart on the line and accept everything or anything that happens today. When I got out of the car, things weren't too bad. Initial talk was fresh and plentiful. When we started to get closer to Walgreens, I began to fall back, recede, into my subconscious worry. The decision that I don't want to go through with it anymore. The worry that I want to still pull through for you. I told myself, over and over again, that even though I didn't want to, I still had to pull through for you. This was your day and I didn't want to ruin it. Well, as it turned out, I ruined your day and I didn't pull through. You were able to read right through my quiet contemplating and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't help but feel selfish for not being able to hide it all for you. I wasn't fishing for sympathy, I just wanted for you to have a day you were looking forward to. Instead, a majority of my behaviors resulted in upsetting you, breaking promises, and you walking away. God only knows how I've already ruined your day. Then, I find out that the headache you got earlier only got worse. After a day of all this, I can only believe it was my fault. It was my fault, my fault, my fault. I sparked the headache and if not, I only fed the flame with my constant apologies and annoying self trying to cheer you up. It's so stupid of me: this pattern I have. When I'm down, I end up bringing you down with me. But at that point, I don't like that you're down, so I try to cheer you up. I found out that tonight, while you were at the salon, it got so bad that you began to throw up. Had I just pulled through, this would have never happened. I'm so so sorry. Photo is of Kevin on top of the hs sign after practice.. sideways.